For many finding the perfect wedding dress or ensemble is an important part of the whole wedding experience.
Does a person design their own?
Do they spend time shopping with loved ones?
Or is the perfect outfit already part of their family history?
Wedding dresses being passed down has been a tradition for generations.
However, some guardians of the dress may not be as willing to share as others.
Case in point...
Redditor Comfortable_Love8350 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not allowing my daughter to significantly alter my wedding dress?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (44 F[emale]) daughter (25 F) is getting married later this year to her girlfriend (27 F)."
"I have always dreamed of walking her down the aisle (my husband passed when she was a child) and she enjoyed talking about a future wedding and playing bride when she was a child, picking flowers and colors and venues."
"She loved watching the videos of my wedding and seeing me and her father get married and it was important in our bonding."
"When she was thirteen I promised her my wedding dress."
"However her clothing style is more manly."
"She began refusing to wear dresses or skirts when she was in her late teens, even trying to demand her school allow her to wear trousers."
"And it was difficult convincing her to wear dresses to formal events."
"She has gone through phases of wanting short hair, wanting to be a boy, and getting tattoos."
"I have always been very supportive of all of this, even when she met her girlfriend and proposed to her."
"I have encouraged her as much as I can."
"I am contributing significantly to the wedding."
"I recently called and asked her when she wanted me to bring over the dress as it would likely need slight alterations."
"That is when she dropped the bombshell on me that she wanted to wear a SUIT and have my wedding dress altered to remove the skirt portion so that the bodice could be worn with trousers."
"At first I agreed but dragged my feet bringing the dress over."
"After a few weeks, I changed my mind and told her that the dress was important to me and I didn't want her to ruin it."
"When I promised her the dress it was because I thought she would wear it as a dress, and she will only get to wear it if it is a dress."
"I offered that her girlfriend could wear it as a dress instead but my daughter said that would still be ruining it (her girlfriend is a much larger woman than me so it would need more altering)."
"Now she has not been answering my messages except by saying that the dress would be a connection to her dad so she is disappointed not to have it."
"I offered to go dress shopping with her for a replacement but apparently some of our family think I am stopping her from having the dress because I disagree with her being masculine."
"I may be the a**hole because I promised it to her, but that was when she was very young, and before I knew she wanted to change it."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for telling her she can have it as a dress or not have it at all?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You offered to 'lend' or let her 'use' your dress - not tear it apart in a way that destroys it forever."
"This dress is yours, with living, breathing memories attached to it."
"If it cannot be returned to you in its original state, then NO, you are not the AH for changing your mind about this."
"You might need to ask a professional seamstress about what is possible."
"I'm sure you have other possessions that actually belonged to her dad, and she may be able to incorporate one of them or re-create your bouquet; cake, or something similar - if that connection is what she's seeking." ~ TrainingDearest
"Since the daughter likes to dress more masculine, why not wear something of her dad's?"
"That would be an even more direct connection than the dress." ~ AhabMustDie
"Good idea. Especially because it confused me to read that Daughter thinks using the dress gives her a connection to her dad. What?"
"Dad didn't wear the dress, he stood next to it for a couple of hours - so what does that even mean?"
"The bottom line, though, is that temporarily borrowing a wedding dress that carries a lot of sentimental value is not the same thing as butchering it to meet someone else's vision."
"OP has every right not to want to let go of her property and her memories."
"Yikes to the daughter for the disrespect for people and property, and marshaling the troops for a propaganda campaign instead of just getting on with plan B." ~ Organized_Khaos
"Agreed - NTA. She lost her father, but you also lost your husband, and it makes complete sense that you are sentimental about this dress and don't want it seen altered beyond recognition."
"Parents don't need to give every part of themselves to their children - you are allowed your own feelings and needs - and wanting to preserve the dress you married your late husband in is totally valid."
"You made that promise in good faith, and I'm sure would honor it if it didn't mean completely changing this memento." ~ psherman82954
"I don't disagree, but at the same time, there are compromises OP doesn't seem to have considered, like giving her daughter her veil to incorporate into her suit."
"And it very much does seem like a large part of OP's objection is due to her daughter's masculine style since she doesn't have the same objection to sizing it up for the daughter's fiancé, which would require equally drastic alterations." ~ L1ttleFr0g
"You could in no way separate my dress into a 'bodice' and 'skirt.'"
"It's not a matter of how fantastic a seamstress is."
"Totally depends on the dress."
"And it's irrelevant:"
O"P doesn't want her dress altered to that extent. Period."
"It doesn't matter how easy of a process that is."
"It is HER dress, and she can say no."
"Also, the whole, 'connection to her dad' thing makes no sense."
"Wearing her mother's wedding dress or PART of her mother's wedding dress would be a connection to her MOTHER."
"Unless her father is a rare guy that actually picked out or created OP's wedding dress, he doesn't have much connection to the dress other than seeing OP in it." ~ SolarPerfume
"While I am not a 'professional' seamstress, I do a lot of sewing projects."
"Many dresses are not pieced in a way that the top and bottom can be separated and then reattached."
"In order to have a decent-looking 'separate' bodice, there would be a loss of fabric to the skirt."
"And then not enough surviving fabric to bring them back together properly."
"You cannot simply 'add' more fabric to an older wedding dress - trying to color match old to new would be unlikely, not to mention that any embroidery would be unable to be matched."
"For most ornate wedding dresses - you cannot enlarge them, only shrink them which is permanent."
"My mother was a talented seamstress, and the one 'enlargement' she did on a wedding dress required TWO dresses for there to be enough of the right fabric and embellishments to make it properly."
"For many people, their wedding dress is very special."
"A lot of heart and soul went into that 'perfect dress' for that 'perfect day.'"
"Despite all the suspicion about ulterior motives on OP's part - I believe she genuinely does not want her dress destroyed, and only 'promised' it because she thought it would be used as a wedding dress."
"Not dismantled and turned into something else."
"People who hold onto their dresses for decades, do not do so because they want to make vests, scarves or doilies out of them someday." ~ TrainingDearest
"Basically, you want your wedding dress to remain a dress."
"And your daughter would like to incorporate it into her wedding outfit, but she doesn't want it to be a dress anymore."
"If you allow her to alter it, it will still be a family heirloom -- but it won't be a vintage dress."
"I think you're within your rights to simply tell her that the dress has terrific sentimental value to you and you'd like it to remain intact."
"Make sure her suit looks awesome though. NTA." ~ wonderfulkneecap
"I'm really torn on stuff like this, because a dress sitting in a closet for years, although a lovely memory, is just a waste (and I currently have mine hanging in my closet because I can't bring myself to get rid of it either)."
"If OP's daughter doesn't use the dress, it's not likely that any grandchildren will use the dress either, it isn't an heirloom."
"I fully get OP and I think it's their dress and their right to keep it intact, especially since they lost their husband and it's a memory to a happy day."
"But she needs to explain that to the daughter."
"Personally, my dress had a belt and I wore a headband and I keep them separate so if my daughter or son want to use either in their weddings down the road they have some options for their something old/borrowed."
"Maybe OP has an element from the dress that can be utilized without hurting the integrity of the dress."
"She was married in the late 90s so dresses were still pretty fabric-heavy back then." ~ accioqueso
"NAH, but what are you saving it for?"
"To be donated after you are gone for a stranger to alter into something else?"
"Your daughter wants to honor you by making your wedding gown into her own." ~ dncrmom
Well, OP, Reddit understands your concerns.
It's your dress, you can do what you want with it.
You're allowed to have certain feelings about such an important piece of your history.
Hopefully, you and your daughter can have a serious and intimate talk.
Maybe find some other way to honor her father's memory.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp