One of the top concerns a parent will experience time and time again is how they will provide care for their child when there’s an event going on, whether it’s going to work or attending a funeral.
Sometimes sacrifices have to be made that don’t totally make either parent happy, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor 3465throw_away was shocked when her husband demanded he attend her brother’s wedding, because he was also her husband’s best friend.
When they couldn’t agree, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to do.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to stay home with the kids while my husband attends my brother’s wedding?”
The OP was a stay-at-home mom and rarely left her home.
“I’m a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), and my husband works full-time. We have 3 kids and one of them is 2 years old.”
“My husband helps a lot with the kids. He’s a committed dad.”
“But he is absolutely against babysitters due to an awful incident with a babysitter that was the reason his younger male cousin James got disabled years ago.”
“I don’t go out much since I have to take the kids with me and not every place is suitable for kids.”
The OP wanted to go out when it was time for her brother’s wedding.
“We received an invitation for my brother’s (who has been my husband’s friend since college) wedding, which we later discovered was childfree.”
“My brother lives states away, so the entire trip will take 4 days, as well as my brother’s in-laws’ weekend dinner party (their tradition).”
“I told my husband I want to go, since it’s been a while since I’d been to a wedding, and this one is special and suggested we get a trusted friend as a babysitter.”
“He asked if I was serious to consider leaving our 2-year-old with a babysitter and suggested that I do what I normally do and stay home with the kids while he goes to the wedding.”
“I refused and said I have as much right to attend as him since we both were invited.”
The OP’s husband did not agree with her plan.
“He said it wasn’t his fault my brother wants a child-free wedding and I should do this for the kids and sacrifice for their sake.”
“I still refused and said this was unfair, and since he’s a parent too, then he should also stay for the kids.”
“He looked at me and said, ‘That’s my best friend’s wedding you’re asking me to skip for Christ’s sake, are you kidding me?'”
“Then he said I was being petty for suggesting this and that I was basically choosing to go and party over keeping our kids safe.”
“He asked me to consider this a business trip, what would I do? Go with him and leave the kids?”
“I said I understand his paranoia of babysitters, but really, all my friends have sitters, and at times they’re really needed.”
Her husband tried to shut the discussion down.
“He said I ought to know better than what my friends tell me, and this wasn’t even up for discussion.”
“When I kept arguing, he called me selfish and said he won’t let me ruin his relationship with his friend, because I was being spiteful for not being able to attend and that my brother will understand my situation.”
“He keeps asking who’s more important – a wedding party or my kids – and said I was unreasonable for making my attendance the hill to die on.”
“Am I being selfish for wanting to attend this wedding, my brother’s wedding, after 4 years of not attending anything?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said that brother trumps best friend every time.
“Why should OP miss her BROTHER’S wedding?
“Call me old-fashioned, but I think brother outranks best friend. When was the last time the OP’S husband stayed behind?” – jess1804
“But you see, friendships between men are so much deeper than that between a brother and sister. She would understand this if she was a male. /s (ends sarcastic comment)” – HRH_Puckington
“Sister outranks friend, even BFF. If someone has to stay, it’s going to be him. I can’t imagine he’s even suggesting otherwise.”
“If brother will ‘understand’ about his sister, he’ll ‘understand’ about his friend, as well.” – Pale_Cranberry1502
“Plus it sounds like it’s a multi-day event. Even if they’re all child-free events, it would make more sense to travel as a family and trade-off on events/kid watching with OP getting first dibs on events, since it’s her brother.”
“The fact that OP’s husband didn’t suggest that proves what a selfish f**kwit he is.” – exscapegoat
“I feel like he thinks his friend would somehow be happier that the friend from college came but his SISTER didn’t… like… how far of a stretch did his brain need to do to avoid that thought process?” – AtlasFalls91
“If I were in OP’s brother’s situation I would be livid. Especially given the gross manipulation the husband is using.”
“OP, tell your brother about this so he can have your back. You’re going to need support.” – TotallyWonderWoman
Others pointed out the “best friend” should be in the wedding party.
“Not really applicable in every case, but I have a hard time believing they’re best friends, since he wasn’t made Best Man or even asked to be a groomsman.”
“I think if he was, OP would have included it.” – kinghammer1
“They aren’t as close as hubby thinks and it’s highly doubtful his not attending would ruin anything he has with his brother-in-law.” – Myrmele
“Him insisting to go instead of her would probably ruin his relationship with BIL anyway, since he would see just how badly the man is treating his sister.” – desgoestoparis
“If it was his best friend, he’d be in the wedding party. Sounds to me like they aren’t even that close.”
“If it was his best friend, he’d more than likely be the Best Man.” – Pierre-LucDubois
Some questioned the husband’s qualities as a husband and as a “committed dad.”
“I have a hard time believing your husband is a good dad. Every single sentence from him smells like entitlement and selfishness.”
“If you can’t go to your brother’s wedding, so can’t he.”
“Why doesn’t he stay at home and you attend? Since this never came to his mind he thinks less of you and your needs. You are the servant for the children. Not his wife who is on the same level.”
“This wedding shows you what kind of person your husband is and what he thinks of you.”
“NTA” – MasterpieceOk4688
“LITERALLY every single accusation he’s trying to throw at OP is equally applicable to him! The hypocrisy and obtuseness is truly astounding!” – whymiheretho
“He wants her to stay in his home, raise his kids, and be a housemaid… But he doesn’t want to give her time to herself…”
“She might realize he’s being a total jerk, and it’s not something she wants to be with.” – ParsnipBusy
“‘He suggested I do what I normally do and stay home with the kids while he goes to the wedding.’ Somehow OP has been gaslighted into thinking her husband is a great dad and partner.” – welch_like_the_juice
Though the husband was certain he was right, and his wife was being selfish for wanting to attend her own brother’s wedding over him attending his best friend’s, the subReddit didn’t think so.
Rather, it seemed the relationship was imbalanced in regards to child-care and the husband’s insistence his wife was selfish was like a wedding-dress-sized red flag.