It's a huge deal for a parent to trust anyone to watch their kids.
Parents tend to be extra cautious even if it's a family member.
That's why it's so great to have people you trust.
To know your kid is being looked after and safe is a huge weight lifted.
But that weight can fall back down unexpectedly at any time.
However, once that trust is broken it's hard to repair.
Case in point...
Redditor Hopeful_Storm_3208 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my sisters that they are not allowed to see my child again?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 F[emale]) have 2 siblings, Kara (26 F) and Lois (23 F)."
"I also have a daughter (8 F) who we will call V."
"Me and my sisters have all been pretty close."
"We had done everything together when we were younger."
"As for my daughter, she hates being alone, ever since her father passed, she clung to my side for a long time before she started to become more independent."
"Yesterday, I took V to see her grandparents for lunch."
"My sisters live with our parents since they both don't have a stable job."
"When I arrived at my parent's house, Lois greeted us at the door."
"I asked her where our parents were, and she said that they had gone to the grocery store."
"She said that she could take care of V until they came back."
"I agreed since Lois and Kara had both babysat V many times for some easy cash."
"I left and called my parents to let them know what I had done."
"I left to go do some errands."
"When I finished with everything, and as I was heading back to my parent's house, Kara called me."
"She said that V is being 'a brat' and I need to come get her now."
"I rushed over there and saw my parents yelling at my sisters and my daughter on the porch crying."
"I went over to them and asked them what happened."
"My mom started explaining that my sisters left the house while I was gone and left V alone in the house."
"Thankfully, she was only in there for about 45 minutes before my parents came home."
"I was livid."
"I picked up my daughter and yelled at my sisters that they were not allowed to see me or my kid again."
"Kara had started saying that it was unfair and that V was old enough to be by herself."
"Lois was trying to say something, but I wasn't listening."
"I left to my car while they were arguing and went home."
"When I got home, I talked with my daughter about what had happened and asked her if they had done this before."
"She said that they hadn't done this before except for this one time, but they were only gone for 2 minutes."
"I hugged my daughter and told her that we would never see her aunts again."
"My daughter started sobbing, screaming that it was only a mistake and that she loved her aunties."
"I didn't know how to explain anymore, so I told her to have a little nap."
"When I checked my phone, I received 12 missed calls from my sisters and many texts."
"I didn't read any nor call them back."
"After V sobbing, I feel guilty, but I think I'm doing the right thing."
"My parents believe that what they did was horrible, but we are family, so we shouldn't cut contact."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"I don't think this was helpful."
"NTA for telling your sisters that, but YTA for repeating it to your daughter when she was already upset."
"Being so drastic when she comes to you with things could lead to her being afraid to tell you important things in the future." ~ lihzee
"Yup, but sadly this kid is going to figure it out one way or another."
"OP lives near the grandparents with the aunts at the house. It sounds like she visits often, and the aunts have often babysat."
"Daughter's eight, not three."
"If OP cuts the aunts off from her kid, she's going to notice, and she's going to realize that it's because of all the adult yelling/upset that already happened about her being left alone."
"u/Hopeful_Storm_3208 aren't you worried your daughter is going to learn to lie to you?"
"That if she tells you the truth about anyone she likes doing something you don't like, she'll never see them again?"
"This from a kid who already lost her dad and is now losing more family at your hands."
"Don't you think she'll resent you?"
"I honestly don't understand why you have to never see them again, and I'm an adult."
"I get not having them babysit again, but that's completely different."
"I don't know or like your sisters and it seems oddly unnecessary even to me."
"How is your daughter going to feel who actually loves them and has abandonment issues?" ~ TheHatOnTheCat
"Looks like V somehow accepted what happened after all."
"She had a shock, cried but she doesn't have regrets and wants to see her aunts."
"It's just a matter of resolving things between adults and letting V have a family."
"OP is acting like mad pushing V to be more dramatic about it and not listening to her." ~ Polish_girl44
"What they did was reckless and irresponsible and dangerous."
"They shouldn't be trusted with watching your child in the future."
"However, cutting contact is extreme."
"You can all still have a relationship - just one where you don't rely on them for childcare. YTA." ~ Revolutionary_Let_39
"YTA. Great, your good intentions just retraumatized your own child."
"What your sisters did was wrong and you had every right to blow up at them."
"But why on Earth would you rob a child that already lost a father of two other loving (imperfect) adults?"
"Do you really think mourning three people rather than one is an improvement???" ~ Beginning_Ad_1371
"ESH - So you tell a child with a fear of abandonment she can't see important people in her life anymore?"
"how is she supposed to see the difference between this and losing her dad?"
"Obviously, your sister Kara is in the wrong but she wasn't the one who signed up to look after her niece so responsibility does ultimately fall on Lois who could have called you, your parents, or taken V with her."
"Sounds like a conversation on how serious V's abandonment issues are with your family and if not already some therapy is in order for her." ~ MiserablyLiterate
"YTA. What they did was wrong and irresponsible, but your response was way over the top."
"They made a mistake, and you decided to sever ties with them forever."
"I don't think I need to explain the issue here." ~ J4T6
"I think you need to have a conversation with your daughter."
"Explain you were upset and you are sorry you reacted like you did."
"Perhaps say that your sisters won't babysit for the foreseeable future but you can see them together, so your child doesn't feel punished for telling the truth."
"You don't want your child to fear telling you things because you will punish her or that she'll feel she got loved ones into trouble." ~ Existing-Tax7068
"This is an 8-year-old who went through the trauma of losing her father and doesn't handle being left alone well."
"There is NO reason Kara could possibly have unless it was another emergency situation, and even then she should've called her parents to ask them to come home faster."
"Kara isn't fit to be around this little girl at all." ~ Significant_Rule_855
"Well, this seems like the worst possible way to handle a situation where your child has abandonment issues. YTA." ~ NandoDeColonoscopy
OP came back with an Update...
"I know I had just posted this but I had just got off the phone with Lois."
"Right after the post was made, my mom had called me and told me that Lois was not at fault, that Kara was to blame."
"She told me to call Lois for her to explain what happened."
"When I called Lois she explained that almost an hour after I left, she had gotten an emergency call from her boyfriend since he ended up in the hospital."
"She told me that she asked Kara to watch V while she was gone, but Kara refused."
"Lois begged Kara and Kara agreed."
"Kara ended up leaving shortly after Lois left."
"When my parents arrived, my mom called Kara and Lois because they found V crying on the floor, scared, and alone."
"Kara came home first and started getting mad and saying that V is just overreacting."
"Lois came home a little bit after Kara came."
"That's when Kara called me saying that V was being a brat."
"I'm not mad at Lois now, and I feel bad."
"Kara, on the other hand, I'm so disappointed."
"Also people in the comments telling me that the way I told V that she won't be able to her aunts again was uncalled for, I apologized to V."
"I told her that it was her decision if she wanted to see Aunt Lois and she said yes."
"I explained to her that when she gets older, she will be able to decide if she wants Aunt Kara to be in her life as well."
"I don't trust Kara at all now."
"So I want to wait for V to get a little bit older until she's able to see Aunt Kara."
"If Kara apologizes and gains my trust again, I will allow V to see her."
Well, OP, it sounds like you're finding a way to make it all work.
And it's great that you explained it to V in a way she can understand calmly.
Hopefully, Kara will realize her mistakes and earn back your trust one day.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp