Anyone who has thought about starting a family and having a baby have inevitably thought about the beautiful, Instagram-worthy moments.
But there is not enough information out there about how hard those first few days home actually are, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor desperatelyTTC was excited to have her baby and to go home with her new little family, but then she had an emergency Caesarean section, then complicating the birth.
Because she was struggling to heal, the Original Poster (OP) was hesitant to have family come over to meet the baby, unsure if she’d be able to handle hosting them yet.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for asking my husband to get my in-laws a hotel while they stay here one week postpartum?”
The OP was struggling to heal after a complicated birth.
“I (29 Female) am one week postpartum today. I had a traumatic birth with an emergency Caesarean section (or c-section).”
“I’m in so much pain, I’m bleeding, and I’m crying every other hour due to hormones and sleep deprivation.”
She wasn’t sure she could take anything else on at the moment.
“My husband (34 Male) and I invited his parents to come and visit to meet the baby. I extended the invitation to them and they will be arriving tomorrow.”
“But they will be staying with us and I’m absolutely not ready for people to stay in my home.”
“Initially, I thought was okay with it but I’ve changed my mind. I’m really not ready.”
The OP wanted to change her original plans.
“I’m so happy for them to visit and soak in their new grandchild, but I’m not ready to have people sleeping in my house while I’m trying to get to know my newborn.”
“I’ve asked my husband if we can book a hotel for his parents, but he’s insisting that they stay with us.”
“I’ve told him I’m really uncomfortable with it and that I have changed my mind about hosting visitors, and that I’m willing to book the hotel for them.”
“He thinks I’m being unreasonable and that I’m not being fair.”
“Am I the a**hole for changing my mind and wanting my in-laws to stay in a hotel instead of staying with us one week postpartum?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP’s husband and told the OP to keep her promise.
“YTA. Unless they are a high-maintenance s**t show. I don’t know what village some of these people come from, but in my village, the relatives who show up for the new baby cook and clean and deliver the baby to mom in bed if she wants or bottle feeds them for her through the night.”
“Basically, they become servants. Basically, they host you in your house. If they show up and just want to be entertained, then kick them out.” – Serious_Pause_2529
“YTA. You have invited your in-laws to stay to meet the baby, not some random people or distant relatives.”
“This could just be the help you need. Do you think your Mother-in-Law (MIL) is coming, expecting you to wait on them? I’m sure she will be a great help during your recovery.”
“Relax and enjoy their help and don’t hesitate to ask when you need something.” – GypsyGhost6
“YTA but gently. It’s kind of too late to have people switch their plans so last minute because you’ve changed your mind. I think you could shift your focus to allowing them to take on some of the responsibilities while you sleep and heal, yourself.” – Mandiezie1
“YTA. Five nights in any decent hotel are going to be a minimum of $1000 ($200 a night, after tax, and that’s with a $175-a-night base price.”
“So unless you are shelling it out, to even ask is unreasonable. You can’t ask your husband to give up his savings for this when you are the one that invited them.” – CassiArianaBlack
“YTA. The home and child belong to both of you. Making unilateral decisions and getting upset when your PARTNER disagrees on changing already established plans is entitled and narcissistic.” – TensionIll2289
But others understood the OP’s need to heal and encouraged her to book the hotel stay.
“NTA. It honestly blows my mind when families think it’s appropriate to stay immediately after their kids have given birth. Unless they have any intention of putting themselves to work whilst they visit, they really should stay away.”
“Your husband needs to start listening to you and if you’re unable to persuade him then he needs to understand that there will be expectations made of them. They’re not guests. They will be pitching in with the housework whilst they’re staying.”
“It is true that OP extended the invitation and not necessarily that the in-laws are overstepping. Regardless, the invitation was extended prior to the circumstances changing and, in light of OP’s difficulties, I still think it’s fair to expect the in-laws to help out if they do wind up staying.”
“With the husband taking on any and all ‘hosting’ duties. To be honest, I’d expect this of anyone staying overnight immediately after their family had just had a baby.” – Neat-Cardiologist442
“Absolutely NTA.”
“You are recovering from birth and trying to take care of a newborn. This is not the time to have to host visitors of any kind. And as much as they can pretend that they won’t be a problem, the possibility of you having them expect you to cater to them in some way is too great.”
“They stay at a hotel or no visit.” – wanderingstorm
“NTA. He’d be singing a different tune if he was the one who just gave birth. You’re at a critical time in your life where you’re both healing and trying to care for a newborn. You can’t pile anything else on there.”
“It wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to ask the in-laws to wait, especially since it’s not like they’ll lose out on hotel fees.”
“I hope you heal quickly and thrive in the future. It’s hard now, but it’ll get better. The future for you is really bright.” – Laiko_Kairen
“NTA. Call them yourself and let them know you are in NO CONDITION to host. Let them know upfront that your home is not going to be ready for guests. Also tell them your husband will be responsible for all meals, transportation, and entertainment.”
“You have extremely limited mobility and will not be out of bed long enough to be a good hostess. Make sure you are firm with your tone and none of what you’re saying is negotiable. Then follow through with this plan.”
“DO NOT COOK, CLEAN OR ATTEMPT TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND WITH ANYTHING EXCEPT YOUR BABY.” – Ok_Day_8559
“It doesn’t sound like the family members are insisting on staying, it seems like it’s more the husband’s insisting they do because the in-laws were initially invited by them.”
“I think it’s perfectly understandable for OP to have changed her mind on them staying over though considering all the pain and stress she’s under, and I’d hope her husband’s parents are understanding and cool with that too. If not, then it’s the husband’s job to host his parents, in my opinion.”
“That said, he’s not the one who just gave birth (traumatically, at that). I feel he’s not the one who should be calling anyone unreasonable here. OP is NTA.” – Potato_Lyn
“This was going to be my suggestion as a good compromise. Seeing as OP’s hubby doesn’t seem to get his wife HAD OPEN ABDOMINAL SURGERY.”
“It’s unfortunately up to OP to explain to in-laws, I ended up needing an emergency c-section, which is again open abdominal surgery. I just can’t host right now but we are totally happy to pay for a local hotel as I did invite you to stay with us. I’m sooo sorry I have to change the plans but I really cannot host while healing. THANK YOU sooo much for understanding, you are wonderful people, and I’m so glad to have you in my life (like really lay it on thick).”
“This is a rare case where the in-laws ARENT overstepping and OP had to find a good compromise. Paying for the hotel for the in-laws is the best compromise.”
“NTA. I would say NAH, but hubby is being a jerk.”
“I too have had a c-section and it takes a while to heal. I would make a point of ripping off my shirt, showing hubby the c-section scar, and yell, ‘FOR F**K’S SAKE, I WAS GUTTED LIKE A PIG. I CANNOT HOST YOUR D**N PARENTS WHILE THIS HEALS.” The guy seriously needs some sense knocked into him.” – jedisilk015
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“Thank you for your responses. I ended up booking a hotel for them and let them know when they arrived, and they were okay with it.”
“My husband was hesitant but ultimately respected that I was not ready.”
“I feel guilty for changing my mind about having them stay overnight, but I know it was the best thing for me.”
The subReddit completely understood what the OP was going through and encouraged her to do what she needed to do to take care of herself, heal, and take care of her baby. Hosting anyone, even in-laws, did not fall under any of those three goals, so it was clear to them that plans needed to change.
But there were a few who, while they appreciated the OP’s need to rest and heal, felt that she needed to honor her commitments, even if she was offering to foot the bill of their hotel herself.