Weddings are meant to be occasions of celebration, a time to honor a couple's love and commitment to one another.
Sometimes people forget that it's not just about putting on an Instagram-worthy show, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Educational-Tour-438 was shocked when she found out her future sister-in-law (SIL) had been "trash-talking" her disabled son behind her back, apparently concerned that he and his wheelchair would steal focus from her, the bride.
When even her brother confirmed that she had been saying these things, the Original Poster (OP) no longer felt welcome to attend.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to attend my brother's wedding after finding out my future sister-in-law is trash-talking my disabled son?"
The OP loved her son and was also close to her brother.
"My (32 Female) older brother (35 Male) is getting married in a few months. We've always been close, and I was genuinely happy for him when he announced his engagement."
"His fiancée, Sarah (30 Female), seemed nice enough at first, though we've never been super close."
"I have a six-year-old son, Ethan, who has cerebral palsy. He's the light of my life, and while he has his challenges, he's a happy, sweet kid who loves being around family."
"My brother has always been great with Ethan, so I assumed Sarah was on the same page."
The OP soon found out her future SIL did not share the same feelings.
"A few weeks ago, my mom let something slip during a family dinner. Apparently, Sarah had been complaining about Ethan being at the wedding because she's worried he'll 'steal the spotlight' from her."
"She even said things like, 'I don't want people focusing on the kid in the wheelchair instead of me,' and 'It's my day, and I don't want any distractions.'"
"When I confronted my mom, she admitted that Sarah had been making these comments for a while but didn't want to cause any drama by telling me."
"I was furious. The idea that someone could be so cruel and shallow about my child, who already has to deal with so much, made my blood boil."
"I called my brother and asked him if he knew what Sarah had been saying. He was hesitant at first but eventually admitted that Sarah had expressed concerns about 'attention being diverted' from her on the big day."
"He tried to downplay it, saying she's just stressed out and not thinking clearly, and that of course, Ethan would be welcome at the wedding."
Despite her love for her brother, the OP was no longer in a celebratory mood.
"But here's the thing: I don't feel welcome anymore. How could I, knowing that the bride-to-be sees my son as some sort of burden?"
"I told my brother that if Sarah really feels that way, then Ethan and I won't be attending."
"My brother freaked out and said I was being unfair, that Sarah didn't mean any harm, and that I'm blowing things out of proportion. He begged me to reconsider, saying that if I don't go, it'll cause a huge rift in the family."
"Now my parents are involved, saying they understand why I'm upset but think I should just let it go for the sake of family unity."
"They've suggested that Ethan stay with a babysitter during the ceremony, and we can all go to the reception."
"But that feels like giving in to Sarah's awful behavior, and I can't stomach the idea of pretending everything is fine."
"AITAH for refusing to attend my brother's wedding because of what Sarah said about my son?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was as far from being the AH as possible.
"NTA. Ffffff**k that! YOU are not causing a rift in your family, Sarah is! How dare they single out your baby boy! I'm quite frankly disgusted by your parents and brother's reaction, as well."
"A wedding is not a pass for being cruel. Tell your brother that he needs to understand that you are a mom and that his partner basically singled out your son and made it so you don't feel comfortable going to the event."
"Either he tells Sarah to change her tune and get a grip or you will be mailing him the wedding gift and leave it at that. And don't get him anything more than a book on manners."
"Be careful, too. If she's this way now, wait till they have kids to compare with your son. She might even poison your parents' mind with the new grandbabies."
"You should also tell your parents how hurt you are, as well, and tell them that you are astonished that they don't have the decency to talk to their son about how rude his bride is. I am so sorry for this bulls**t." - Plastic_Prompt_1104
"I'm disabled and I always think it's funny when people freak out (brides, usually) about a human being that is disabled existing in their sphere because it will 'pull focus.'"
"They're telling on themselves."
"There are some people who gawk and freak out at the sight of a disabled person, but most normal human beings don't think much of it. Yes, there will always be people who are weird and rude, but for the most part, human beings aren't into gawking at each other like freaks in public spaces because they know it's poor etiquette."
"So not only are you revealing that you're a vapid, empty, insecure person, willing to spite a disabled child because you're so worried that someone might notice anyone but the bride for 15 seconds, but you're also revealing that you view disabled people as freaks and have little self-control around them or experience with them. We are just people."
"It's all very, veeery telling."
"NTA, OP." - BojackTrashMan
"Fellow disabled person here: I don't think they're worried about us pulling focus. They find us distasteful and their 'perfect vision' doesn't include having to look at imperfect people."
"She thinks Ethan is gross and doesn't want to look at him. She's disgusting." - Feycat
"I will never, never get the 'stealing the spotlight' thing when it comes to people existing. You are supposed to be celebrating your love with the people you love. What does it matter if said people have to use a wheelchair or have a speech problem or need a service animal?"
"Like, really? I get not wanting someone to propose at your wedding or to announce a pregnancy because yes, it's not the time; it can at least wait until the next day. But saying a kid is going to steal the spotlight just because he is breathing air in the same room as you and you think his disability attracts attention is just a huge red flag."
"I couldn't marry someone like that." - Good-Groundbreaking
"With someone this self-absorbed and petty, I'm sure Sarah will spend a LOT of energy convincing people that OP was being unreasonable about imaginary 'Special Treatment' that she wanted for Ethan."
"OP was DEMANDING all of these unrealistic things for her son that Sarah went out of her way to accommodate, but OP wasn't satisfied . . . and on and on about how she's really the victim."
"OP should let the rest of the family know the truth now, before the poisoning spreads. I'm certain that her parent's suggestion that Ethan skip the ceremony was Sarah's idea, calling it a compromise, and she's already using it to show them how reasonable she's being and OP is not."
"People like her are insidious, using lies and rumors to get their way, and can usually only be seen for what they are by their victims or outsiders. OP needs to be careful and proactive or everyone else will start to wonder." - Drustan1
Others agreed and questioned how the OP's brother was still marrying Sarah.
"A boy in a wheelchair doesn't blend into Sarah's vision of her perfect wedding pictures and videos. OP should tell Sarah what a big piece of s**t she is on the morning of the wedding just to mess her up."
"I can't believe the OP's brother is still marrying her..." - isabellarson
"I cannot believe the OP's brother. That's his nephew Sarah's bad-mouthing. How the h**l isn't he slapping her down for being a horrible cunt to his family member?"
"I hope the children that she does invite cause absolute mayhem." - paupaupaupaup
"Personally, I would not want someone like her around my kid, let alone in my family. This is who she is! So believe her!"
"Anyone with a shred of decency wouldn't be marrying someone like her, yet OP's brother is still marrying her and hiding the fact that his fiancée is a horrible person. Now the OP's son can't spend time at his uncle's home, because his evil wife might treat him badly or make ableist comments about him, when she thinks he is out of earshot! Family gatherings will be awkward, too."
"Nope, NTA! Let the chips fail where they fall. This is completely the fiancée's fault. I wouldn't attend the wedding, either." - Apart_Foundation1702
"OP, if I were in your brother's shoes, his fiancée's attitude would be a deal breaker for me. She is, to put it bluntly, a horrible person."
"The fact that your brother doesn't seem to see that, speaks volumes. HE and Sarah are the ones 'causing a rift in the family,' not you, and not Ethan."
"I wouldn't go to the wedding, either. And I would certainly keep Ethan as far away from that woman as possible. NTA." - ShowerEven1875
"The grandma knows about this and hasn't defended Ethan?"
"Sorry, OP, but your mom, brother, and the rest of your family can't complain about your decision."
"They are not willing to defend their grandchild/nephew/cousin over such horrible comments, so they can't complain you're defending him."
"They are not behaving like your child's family. They are acting like Sarah's loving in-laws." - Lazy_Lingonberry5977
The subReddit was appalled that the OP seemed to be the only person thinking clearly, with no family or friends there to back her decision to stand by her child's side.
The thought of prioritizing such an ableist aesthetic for a wedding day, over the people who are supposed to be your loved ones, is such an ugly, disappointing look.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.