Society has rules.
Some can be bent.
Others are strictly enforced.
We teach our children these rules - and more importantly how to follow them - by making similar rules in our homes.
No shouting, no fighting.
What happens, though, when someone feels that their child is above the rules?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) midnight_storm_ when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my sister her son is only special to her"
Greetings and backstory.
"I (f26) have 3 older siblings."
"This is about my oldest sister 'Abby' (f37)."
"Abby has a son (5) and I have a daughter (1)."
"Abby dealt with years of fertility issues and had probably 10+ miscarriages."
The good news.
"Then she had her son and of course, he was Abby's miracle rainbow baby, we were so happy for her."
"But then it leads to Abby spoiling her son and letting him get away with everything because he's a 'miracle' and he's 'special'. Everyone has always bit their tongue when it comes to her son because of that."
"On Saturday I had my daughter's first birthday party."
"It was mostly family and a few of my close friends were invited I invited Abby and her son because everyone else in our family was invited so I felt bad excluding her."
"We had different activities for the kids to do."
The...problem.
"Abby's son didn't like any of them. He was upset none of the presents were for him. He didn't want to eat any of the food we had."
"He then decided to try and push the cake off the table because apparently, he was mad the cake wasn't his."
"I got super upset at Abby for allowing her son to act that way."
"She went on to say her son is special."
"I said her son is only special to her which is understandable. But to everyone else, he's a spoiled brat which shouldn't be overlooked because he was your special miracle baby."
"Abby called me a b*tch and left crying."
"A few family members have since called me an AH because I've never dealt with a miscarriage so I don't understand how painful it was for Abby to deal with years of that before her son."
"It's not that I don't realize her son is special to her but it doesn't give the excuse for Abby to allow him to act like a spoiled brat."
OP was left to wonder,
AITA?
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Actions had consequences.
"NTA, and you are 100% correct."
"While he is her miracle baby, no one else in the world is going to coddle him except her, and she is raising him to be a spoiled entitled brat which will only bring him issues later in life."
"He needs some manners and discipline and your sister needs a wake up call."
"What is she going to say to the police when he gets arrested for his bad behavior?"
"But officer, he's my miracle baby, he didn't mean to steal/assault someone/whatever stupid thing he did because he thinks he can get away with it."
"It's better she realize this now than when he's older and there are real life consequences to his actions" ~ theworldisonfire8377
"Seems wild that parents who, after tragedy, get blessed with the chance of having a normal child just like everyone else which is what they desperately wanted more than anything..."
"Then they proceed to raise them in a completely bizarre way to ensure they grow up mentally damaged from such a sheltered and spoiled upbringing."
"I mean if my kid couldn't handle a recess detention I'd be absolutely terrified that something was seriously wrong with her if she was so maladjusted from the way I raised her that a single time-out required therapy."
"It's like they want to raise the kid for 18 years completely free of any consequences for their actions without any thought to the devastating impact that kind of upbringing will have when the kid reaches the real world and the intense difficulties they will face for the rest of their life as a result of that." ~ cheapdrinks
"There have been so many stories about 'miracle babies' and parents letting them get away with anything and wanting everyone else's world to revolve around them."
"Do they really think that their special child is untouchable???"
"It'll definitely be a wake up call when the child goes too far and actually has to face consequences. Then the parent(s) will lash out at the fam and blame them" ~ MoonMelodicStation
"Yup."
"As a parent, I can say it is SOOOOO hard to do things that disappoint your kid, like enforcing consequences for bad behavior or setting boundaries for their health and safety."
"Watching them cry over something like not getting presents on someone else's birthday is HARD. But you do the hard thing, because it's the right thing, and because you love your child more than you love your own comfort." ~ DinosaurDogTiger
Boundaries!
"Agreed. I've suffered several miscarriages and would never tolerate any of my kids acting like that. Kids need boundaries to help them feel safe and to teach them social norms."
"Letting him run riot is setting him up for failure now and in the future. OP is NTA, and her sister is making her own life harder." ~ Exotic-Broccoli-1761
"It should be illegal to struggle so hard to make a baby and then totally neglect actually raising them to be wonderful adults."
"I'm childless and don't understand the feeling of losing a baby but I can't imagine going through so much to get them just to fail them again and again."
"A friend of mine is pretty unstructured and undisciplined so I was pretty surprised when she was a somewhat strict parent."
"Loving, yes, setting boundaries, also yes."
"I mentioned my surprise at a point, and she said, 'I love my kids so much I want them to meet a world that loves them at least half as much as I do - and the only way to give them that is to raise them well and to have good manners when going out.'"
"'I couldn't bear being the one that failed them and have them be seen as brats and a nuisance".
"It makes SO much sense to me, and her kids are awesome and met with tons of love everywhere because they aren't selfish brats. THAT'S love!"
"NTA, OP, someone needs to speak up for that kid." ~ Thedonkeyforcer
Our Community.
"My sister is this way. She had a really hard time carrying to term, but with a lot of very painful IVF, she was able to get a child here."
"I love my nephew, but he's a brat for the same reason OP's nephew is."
"There's zero discipline at home."
"The kid gets whatever he wants and does whatever he wants. He's destroyed their home."
"The carpet is ruined in every room."
"The kid painted all over the walls. My sister barely has any furniture, as the kid kept jumping off things, and rather than simply putting the kid in time out or taking away privileges, his parents just removed the furniture."
"The kid once decided he didn't want the milk he'd just asked for, and when I wouldn't give him soda instead, he dumped the milk on the sofa."
"His parents yelled at him but did absolutely nothing about it and cleaned it up themselves. The kid knows there aren't any consequences."
"The worst part about all of this is that it's clearly not the kid's fault."
"When he's with me, he doesn't act like this, because he knows I won't put up with it."
"I have never even raised my voice to this child, but he knows the toys get put away, or he goes in time out if he misbehaves."
"He hardly ever causes problems anymore, and frankly, the kid adores me. A lot of this is probably just because I interact with him when his parents hardly ever do, but kids like boundaries."
"It makes them feel secure."
"It's...just not that hard." ~ StatementPast
"My son was nervous about new situations, so before any birthday party or event, I would sit down with him and go over what was going to happen and who was going to be there, etc."
"All your sister needed to do was sit him down and have a firm talk to him about the fact it was his cousin's birthday and that she would have cake and be given birthday presents etc. and that he was guest and if he misbehaved he would go straight home."
"Yep not that hard."
"Does she want him to grow up and be a good dad and husband one day? Because that starts with teaching them, it's not all about them!!"~ Ok_Fudge9204
The idea that someone can live in a consequence-free environment and then easily adjust to a consequence-rich environment is the worst kind of dishonesty.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp