People will frequently say two major things in life can be difficult to discuss.
Politics and money.
Money is a particularly personal topic.
Especially when it's owed.
Having heated talks about money can bring about a bunch of drama.
Many relationships have been left in tatters after money discussions.
Redditor Glad-Advantage-2870 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA For laughing at my ex's mother and telling her how much child support I've been receiving?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My ex and I parted ways back in 2023."
"Ever since it happened, the communication with him and his family has been rocky."
"He was not interested in providing for our child (6), and I had to apply for child maintenance."
"He's in debt with them (circa £1.3k) and has only paid about £120 in total."
"I've not been on good terms with his parents."
"Amongst other things, they asked me not to apply for child maintenance, etc.- as their boy cannot afford it, and so on."
"So you could say we're not the best of friends."
"Here's where the problem started."
"They recently found out about quite a few concerts I'm planning to go to."
"Yes I'd posted about it on S[ocial] M[edia], but they have no access to my accounts."
"I don't know how exactly they found that info."
"Recently, during child drop off, my ex's mother got very upset about the concert mumbo-jumbo and started telling me off for making my ex pay child support I just waste on myself and so on."
"I couldn't hold it in and just started laughing, which aggravated her even more."
"When she stopped ranting, and I stopped giggling, I told her that her son's child support wouldn't even cover the travel cost of the trip, and they could rest assured that I don't live off of his child support given."
"That I wouldn't be able to raise my child on that amount, let alone the both of us."
"I should've stopped there, but I also added that so far, we've received approximately £10/month [note: I said that without doing the math, truthfully it's £11.09 LOL), which doesn't even cover the cost of fruit my child eats."
"Neither of them has any say in how I spend MY money."
"Note: I'm not sure if it matters, but yes, I work full time, so I spend my earned money."
"She called me a liar and stormed off."
"Now their whole family is upset with me, saying that I was rude, and they expect apologies."
"I was also told that I was an a**hole for telling them how much I actually receive as it's put my ex in a bad light."
"My friends are divided too- some found the situation hilarious, and others say that while it was fair to stand up for myself, I shouldn't have told her how much I get in Ch[ild] M[aintenance]."
"In my defense- I had no idea it was such a big secret. I genuinely assumed she just didn't care about the amount and just focused on the idea of me getting any money from them."
"Also, it's worth noting: My child didn't witness this interaction. She was already indoors."
"I'm sure it would've gone differently (I would've stopped the rant sooner) with the kid present."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA for laughing and telling her how much I've been receiving?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Nope, I told everyone about the £10 per month my kids were expected to live off to anyone who told me I was living off of my ex's hard-earned dosh."
"If he's a deadbeat, make sure everyone knows about it because I am not going to work my a** off to maintain my children in a good lifestyle while he takes the credit."
"Ex was similarly upset because I set the record straight."
"Apparently, I cause his manliness, hurty feels, or something I couldn't give a crap about."
"OP NTAH!!" ~ Frankifile
"Yeah… at one point my ex owed about $50,000."
"That amount doesn't happen overnight when you're supposed to be paying ~$500/month."
"I was accused many times by whoever he ran his mouth to of being a gold digger (LOL) to trying to ruin him financially out of spite (lolol)."
"I would have laughed too, sister. F**k that."
"Let them know the truth about their baby boy. NTA." ~ blue_suavitel
"No, I think it was perfectly reasonable that you discussed the amount of child support you were receiving."
"She brought it up."
"She accused you of blowing the money her son was supposedly giving you for your child on fun stuff for yourself."
"The only logical response to that is what you said."
"The amount he has been giving you barely covers one box of strawberries."
"This leaves her with absolutely no way of accusing you and trying to reduce/stop child support."
"If she reported to the judge that you are taking the money for yourself and not your child, that could cause unnecessary court time."
"Obviously, you would be able to prove otherwise, but it would still be a HUGE waste of your time." ~ plahaie
"NTA. Your ex is a deadbeat father, which is among the lowest of the low."
'And the money he owes you is the obligation he took on when he became a father."
"It is his responsibility and if he and his family had any testicular fortitude, they would live up to their obligations and not try to guilt you into giving up what rightly belongs to your child."
"You don't owe them an apology - they started it."
"It's not your fault they can't take what they dished out." ~ bamf1701
"And of course, he's not blaming himself for failing to be the man he apparently wants to be, he blames others which is oh such a manly trait." ~ pay_student_loan
"And it is so illogical."
"OP makes enough money to support herself and the child, so therefore, the child's dad shouldn't be required to pay anything in child support? Really?"
"That's what his family thinks."
"All the costs for the child should be 100% on mom because 'she can afford it.'"
"Guess I know who was the breadwinner when they were married." ~ One_Ad_704
"NTA. You simply explained as to how you couldn't live off the deadbeat's child support."
"Also, he should be seen in a bad light if he doesn't want to support his own child." ~ HolSmGamer
"So much this."
"And I'm really tired of people getting mad when someone is attacked for things that aren't true and they set the record straight." ~ embracing_insanity
"NTA, but why give them any information about your finances or activities?"
"If your goal was to give her the business, then it would have upset her even more had you simply shut the door in her face."
"There was no need for you to defend your actions; indeed, it only led to them demanding - completely unwarranted - apologies."
"Less is more."
"Tell them nothing, and don't post your business on SM." ~ CandylandCanada
OP responded...
"I didn't give THEM information about my activities."
"I only have (supposedly) close friends seeing my SM posts."
"As I mentioned- his family should not have access to my SM (though I may have to double-check the list), so I did not expect it to cause any issues."
"I simply use my SM to post things my actual friends may be interested in knowing."
"As for the finances- yes, I agree, I should not have carried on with the lengthy explanation; it was pointless to discuss the ChM amounts; I simply did not know that they hadn't known."
"I just assumed that in their mind, ANY child support was too much, considering that I 'waste it on myself.'"
"We've actually already been through this as it happened once."
"They know they can't have my kid when he is not around, and if they attempt it and make my kid lie, they'll lose any visitation rights."
"Also, if I find out they feed her lies about me, we will end any communication and deal solely through family court."
"In our agreement, I taxi my child one way and they (usually the parents, I really don't mind who is the driver, to be honest, as long as she spends time with her dad), drive her the other way."
Reddit continued...
"NTA. If he doesn't want to be thought of as a deadbeat, then maybe he shouldn't be a deadbeat."
"Your ex-M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] opened the door for you to say that the second she criticized your spending and objected to it based on the 'fact' you receive child support."
"You're absolutely allowed to walk through the door she opened."
"You do not owe anyone lies… even if the truth makes them uncomfortable." ~ Total_Vegetable_2246
"NTA at all."
"It's the old adage that if you don't want the truth known, you should behave better."
"Your ex is a deadbeat and shouldn't be crying to mommy that he can't afford to support his child."
"If that puts him in a bad light, he brought it on himself."
"Tell them there will be no apologies as you have no control over his bad behavior and have nothing to apologize for."
"The truth is not being rude, and you have no way of changing it." ~ squirrelsareevil2479
"NTA. She started the conversation and attacked you for your finances and lifestyle."
"It's fine to set her straight and give the facts." ~ Having-hope3594
"Obvious NTA."
"All you did was defend yourself."
"If anything, your ex needs to talk to his mother about apologizing to you."
"Especially if he wants you to feel comfortable enough to drop your kid off there. Hell no." ~ Aggravating-Item9162
"NTA! Mommy needed to hear the truth about her little deadbeat boy."
"You don't owe anyone an apology - MIL owes YOU an apology."
"I suspect your ex has been telling his family some tall tales about you."
"If his family continues to harass you, double down and tell them exactly how it is." ~ REDDIT
"NTA... tell them SHE was rude, and she can have an apology when hell freezes over."
"If they didn't want to be set straight, then they shouldn't have poked their noses in your business."
"I had MANY problems with my ex's parents, and eventually it gets to a point where you don't want to keep your mouth shut anymore when all the hate is focused on you and the nonsense from your ex is enabled by their family." ~ Horror_Proof_ish
"NTA. This woman wanted to shame you and make you look like a leech."
"You pointed out that her son actually is."
"Also they can't be both mad at you for the money and mad at you for the lack of."
"This is a twisted way to corner you."
"You can do no good, basically." ~ Chocolatecandybar_
"Very few people would know if the MIL had just kept her mouth shut."
"Not your fault she's a blabbermouth. Lol."
"NTA And, if she did this in front of others, it's her own fault for having that conversation in front of others."
"If she wanted to keep it private, she should've kept it private." ~ radicalcoach
"Absolutely NTA, your ex's mother shouldn't be mad at you for 'exposing' how little he's been paying, she should rather be mad at him."
"The audacity." ~ waldo_varmkorv
"NTA here."
"Well, laughing might have been a bit much, you were absolutely justified in defending yourself."
"It's ridiculous that they're giving you grief about concerts when ur ex barely contributes to your child's basic needs."
"You work hard and deserve to enjoy your own money."
"They have no right to dictate how u spend it." ~ SassyWestt
"Betcha, he's been telling them that he's paying you a lot more than that and using it as an excuse to not pay them whatever he owes, or to mooch free rent, or whatever. NTA." ~ _s1m0n_s3z
"NTA, she can't fathom how a woman can earn more than her deadbeat son."
"You should make this as public as possible." ~ lovescarats
From your earlier statement, it sounds like you've made peace with your situation.
You had no malicious intent. You were merely truth-telling, and Reddit agrees.
If your ex-MIL feels so bad, maybe she should chip in.
Good luck with them in the future.
And enjoy your concerts!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp