There are undoubtedly going to be times in our lives when we need help from our loved ones, so it feels good when we can provide support in return when they need it.
But it’s a slippery slope from accepting help to taking advantage, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor New_Week_2029 offered for her parents and younger brother to move into her family home for nearly two years while their new construction home was being built.
But when her mother made demands for the master bedroom and began to spread rumors about how she was being treated, the Original Poster (OP) began to question if this living arrangement could work for so long.
They asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for not giving my parents the master bedroom in my house?”
The OP offered for her family to move in while their house was being built.
“My parents and younger brother are about to move into my house (four bedrooms and three bathrooms), and I’m having a bit of a dilemma!”
“I offered for my family to move in with us while their house is getting built after the sale of their current home. We live in a rental crisis area, and when a rental is secured, it can be really expensive.”
“I’m super close with my parents, and without thinking, of course, I offered them to live with me for the one and half, maybe two, years it’ll take to build their new house.”
The OP and their husband had clearly arranged their home to meet their needs.
“Currently living in my home is my husband, our newborn baby, and myself.”
“My husband is only home for one week of the month as he works away.”
“It was loosely agreed that my parents and brother would take the back two rooms of the house, which have a bathroom (walk-in shower, toilet, and bath) shared between the rooms and set up their sofa and TV in the activity area next to the bedrooms so they would have one wing of the house and my husband, daughter, and I the other side of the house.”
“My daughter currently stays in our room, but will eventually move to the back of the house near my parents, next to the activity area. We have a one-story house.”
The OP’s mother expected her demands to be prioritized.
“My mother has been making comments to the effect of, ‘I think your dad and I should be getting the master bedroom,’ in a casual, non-serious way.”
“This has bothered my husband, who says they’re not getting our room.”
“She’s also made comments that they’ll hear the baby crying during the night, so she thinks I should be in the back room closer to her (to be honest, there is not much distance between the master and my daughter’s future room and the back rooms). She also says that the TV in the activity area will keep the baby awake when she moves into her own room, so she should stay in the theatre room next to the master instead.”
“Now I’ve found out that my mother has been making comments to my other brother that it’s disrespectful that I haven’t offered her and my dad the master bedroom that has an en-suite, because she’s going to be paying half the mortgage.”
“This had not been agreed. An amount they would pay us monthly was agreed, but it’s nowhere near half the mortgage; it’s barely enough to cover bills.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“So my question is… AITA for remaining in the master bedroom and not giving it to my parents?”
“I feel like I may be the a**hole because I’ve been brought up to respect my parents. They’ve also done a lot for me over the years. They made sure I am okay financially, making sure I’ve had a roof over my head, and helping me with renovations around my house.”
“It also means that three people will be sharing a bathroom, and my husband is only home one week of the month, and I have an en-suite all to myself.”
“If I gave my parents the master, it means they’d share, and my brother and I would share.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some saw all kinds of problems arising from the OP’s parents moving into her house for such a long period of time.
“The entitlement is already showing, and they haven’t even moved in yet. Your mom is already rewriting the agreement behind your back and acting like she’s doing you a favor by paying ‘half the mortgage’ when she’s actually just covering utilities.”
“Save your marriage and tell them the housing market has other options.” – Forward-Concern403
“This WILL wreck the marriage. OP should be very aware that this sort of entitlement does not go away. First, it is the big bedroom, then do all of the cleaning, cooking, and hey, our friends are coming to stay for a month. She’d better put a stop to this right now.” – Similar-Opinion8750
“You need to sit her down and clearly go over what’s going to happen. Your mother, so you need to shut her down.”
“The house is 50% your husband’s house, too, so SHE doesn’t get to call any of the shots. He only gets the luxury of coming home one week a month because he’s working to pay a big fat mortgage on a house she is now staying in, so he deserves to have his bedroom of choice.”
“Also, I would tell her you are aware she’s been complaining about the room situation, and you are disappointed in her for doing that. Use the word disappointed. It will sting. And it needs to sting.”
“Tell her she can accept the rooms offered and stop complaining to people because what she is paying does not cover anywhere near half the mortgage. And it isn’t her house; it belongs to you and your husband.”
“She should be grateful for a place to stay and not badmouth you to family. Anymore bad mouthing, drama, or room pushing, and she will be welcome to move out.”
“Then sit your dad down separately and give him the same chat and tell him you are disappointed in his wife acting so entitled to someone else’s home, and he better have a d**n good talk to her to stop her games. Your husband works hard to provide for his family, and I guess your dad did the same, so he will understand exactly why your husband deserves to come home to the master bedroom in his own home.”
“Honestly, this is a two-part conversation worth having, even if they don’t move in and you take the offer back, because based on how catty she’s been already, she will be especially catty and tell stories of how you kicked her out with nowhere to go if you rescind.”
“She needs to understand, and your father needs to understand, at least between the three of you, what led to that decision, and it wasn’t your rudeness or lack of heart.” – NooOfTheNah
“Parents are nowhere near as respectful as random roommates. Once they move in, they act like it’s THEIR house and impose all their nonsensical boomer s**t, rearranging everything, unplugging the internet, throwing out expensive things they ‘don’t know what it was,’ snooping through personal files and storage, imposing F**KING CURFEWS on 30-year-olds, they think they’re starting their retirements and wont lift a finger to do anything.”
“I left after two weeks of my ex-mother-in-law’s bulls**t and ex-hubby’s complete inaction.” – BlurpleOpals
“I am willing to bet money that OP’s mom is going to attempt to slide right back into the role of ‘The Parent’ and is going to start parenting OP. The signs are already there. It sounds like the mom isn’t comfortable in the nature of her different role with OP now that she has moved on into adulthood. With OP’s brother still being in the child role and them all in the house together, this is going to be bumpy.”
“The only way this works is if the mom has an awakening to the new reality of her new role in OP’s life.”
“That doesn’t happen overnight. Your suggestions should be considered.” – throwawtphone
Seeing the tension that had built up before moving day, others suggested the OP rescind her offer.
“NTA, but if this is how things are before they even moved in, I think you should consider rescinding your invitation. One and a half years is a very long time, and it may even wreck your marriage.” – RAthowaway
“OP hasn’t addressed household duties and maintenance, who is paying for food and doing the cooking, division of yard work, or if the parents will be covered by her home and auto insurance.”
“OP, tell them that after reflection, you have realized that this will not work. Tell them that they will be happier in their own place. Wish them well.” – OldestCrone
“When my parents moved in, we discussed everything. Chores, cooking, food, money, and childcare. It was all agreed who would do what, when, and how it would work.”
“We revisit the agreement yearly, everyone sitting down and discussing. It’s the only way to make it work. Full-on roommate agreement.”
“If you can’t sit down and agree on these basic things, it’ll never work. And if she’s already being passive-aggressive about the room, it will definitely never work.” – pink-Bee9394
“After rereading this, I noticed that the mother has already framed her one and a half to two years of rent payments as PART OF THE MORTGAGE, which could imply that she thinks she will have earned partial ownership. Huge Red Flag.”
“Beware, OP. Please don’t let them move in.” – Avlonnic2
“When I was young and living on my own, any time my parents came to visit, they found ways to help me. My dad would fix anything broken (loose boards, wobbly door knobs, etc.) my mom would scrub baseboards and banish any soap scum she could find to the fiery pits of Hades. They would do all this while I was still asleep at 7:00 AM.”
“It blows my mind, and just makes me so sad, when I read about entitled parents like this, who think they are above their children. Like their kids owe them something.”
“Now that I’m in my 40s and my parents are in their 70s, the roles are reversed, and anytime my husband and I are at my parents’ home, they have a list of things they need help with. (Putting heavy things away in the attic, dusting high shelves so they don’t climb onto ladders, fixing electronic things they don’t understand, LOL)”
“But they don’t expect us to do these things any more than I expected them to help me in my home. We help each other because we love and respect each other. That’s what family is supposed to be.”
“I’d gladly live with them for a year and a half, if not much, much longer. The OP’s family? I wouldn’t have even offered.” – Prior_Lobster_5240
“NTA, OP. Rescind, non-negotiable.”
“Tell them, ‘Hey, it’s my understanding from your discussions with [brother] that you’d prefer lodging where you can stay in the master bedroom. That and your other behavior give me a good sense of how this is going to go, so we’re going to go ahead and free you up so you can find lodging more compatible with your needs. The offer is non-negotiably rescinded. You won’t be staying here.'”
“If she wants to get into the weeds, simply say, ‘This is a notification, not a discussion.’ Then restate your expectations.”
“Check your legal options regarding evictions if they’ve already moved in, and be prepared to exercise them.”
“If mom and dad go no contact, good.” – Deradius
While the OP had tried to offer something good, the subReddit could only see this going very badly for them, their marriage, and their little girl.
It was one thing if the OP’s mother needed a little time to settle into the space and get used to the new living arrangement; we’re all human, after all. But it was something completely different that she was making demands, putting her needs above all others, and gossiping about it.