Honoring the final wishes of a dying loved one can feel like an inarguable request. The stakes are just too high to refuse.
But that doesn’t mean following that request is easy.
A recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” proved that quite clearly.
The Original Poster (OP), appropriately known as bereaveddaughter on the site, made the drama pretty clear with the post’s title.
“AITA for not telling my mom’s family that she died?”
OP began by telling about the final days.
“My mom passed away last year.”
“She had been estranged from her family for years. Two of her siblings would periodically try to reach out and they would talk but it never really moved beyond that.”
“My mom expressed several times that she wouldn’t want them at her funeral nor would she attend theirs. In fact, she preferred if no one told them at all.”
“So that’s what I did.”
But a new development came along.
“One of my aunts contacted me recently and asked about my mom. She wanted to know how she was doing and I told her truth.”
“She got hysterical and ended up telling the rest of my mom’s family and now they are all pissed at me.”
“They think it’s cruel and evil of me to have hid it from them and not allow them to pay their respects.”
OP went on to give some further information.
“For the record, my mom was estranged from them because they treated her very badly.”
“My grandmother abused my mom and openly favored her siblings and turned them against her. They would deny the abuse and call my mom crazy and spread lies about her to everyone.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
A hefty majority of people supported OP and told her she wasn’t the a**hole. Many felt the issue all came down to her mom’s personal decision to make the request she did.
“NTA. It was what your mom wanted and you were just carrying out her last wishes. I would keep repeating that and end the conversation there.” — shzan1
“NTA You honored your mom’s wishes and that’s all they need to know. You don’t owe them anything more. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom and I’m proud of you for respecting her wishes. ♥️” — LoveBeach8
“NTA. The reaction of your mom’s siblings as you respect your mom’s decision against their abuse just proved the point why they don’t deserve any contact.”
“Toxic people react to boundaries with rage, putting guilt, etc. Healthy boundaries protect you and reveal those who disrespect you.” — rougatre?
“NTA- you followed your moms wishes. That’s what you do for someone you love. They tried to gaslight your mom about her abuse and now they are trying to gaslight you. Block them and move on.”
“What’s cruel and evil is trying to guilt you for following her wishes. You don’t owe them anything. Btw… I’m sorry your mom passed. Losing someone is difficult and you deserve peace. Know that she loved you and would be relieved you followed her wishes. I hope that blocking them will allow you to grieve in peace.” — Savings-Concept7519
“NTA. People have some limited agency past death, and one of those things can be who is notified. If they want to mourn her, they can hold their own service now. Calling you evil for honoring your dead mother’s wishes is… disturbed.” — MetaEvan
Others were outraged by her mom’s family’s sudden about face.
“NTA. It says a lot that your mother’s sister went a year without checking up on her at all. If she wanted to be in the loop, she could have been in the loop. Your mom didn’t want these people involved in her life, so they weren’t involved when she died.”
“It takes a lot to write someone off so thoroughly you verbally express to your child that you don’t want them at your funeral. The fact that the family can’t understand or respect that, even after her death, and they’re taking it out on you, shows just how right your mom was.” — MartinelliGold
“NTA The fact that it took them a year to even call and check on her in the middle of current events says a lot” — MikkiTh
“NTA it’s what she wanted. They didn’t care about her when she was alive, they don’t really care about it now. They care about their own selfish feelings. Fu** them” — watsgarnorn
And some people even had their own stories to share.
“NTA & i am sorry for your loss <3”
“This sounds exactly like my mother’s situation with her family, both my moms dad/mom treated her terribly growing up including all the family members on both sides. She’s said exactly what your mom said”
“Mine is still alive but i know for a fact if she was to go I wouldn’t be telling her dad (her mom died ‘90) or anyone else in her family besides her sister who she is close with. Your not the ass for respecting what your mom wanted” — jcoolaa
“Nta. I am estranged from many family members and would be very upset if I knew they came to my funeral against my wishes. You honored your mother’s wishes and regardless what her siblings think, I bet she’d be proud and grateful that you stood up for what she wanted.”
“I can see it now, my family pretending we were soooo close and how they’re sooo hurt that I’m gone. SMH. Idk your family, I just know that kind of hypocrisy would happen in mine.” — playpawsrewind
“NTA. My great grandmother asked me not to tell my father (who is an a**hole that didn’t even make the effort to visit his Mum when she was dying) that my great grandfather had passed away. So I didn’t.”
“He found out through an uncle’s friend or something several months later and I copped so much abuse from him over it. But they were Grandma’s wishes. And I respect Grandma.” — CtrlAltDelusional22
So if OP takes Reddit feedback to heart, it appears she won’t be taking many more calls from her mother’s family.