Everyone has a fear or phobia of some sort.
Some people have slightly more serious ones, such as worrying for the safety of their children and families, while others might seem a bit more minor to others, such as fish, birds, or clowns.
While it might be easy enough to laugh at someone with a phobia that might seem silly to us, it is always best to reserve judgment, as we don't know where this particular phobia might stem from or what exactly these people go through when faced with it.
Redditor throwmylifeaway2911's younger son had a very unusual and very problematic phobia.
As he was afraid of something just about everyone on earth does.
This included the original poster (OP)'s older son, who was rather chronically dealing with the very thing that terrified her younger son.
As this made it difficult to the point of impossible for the OP's younger son to enjoy a peaceful dinner together, the OP came up with what she thought was a fair solution to this problem.
Until her sister accused her of being a bad mother for doing so.
Having doubts about her decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for sending my son upstairs to eat because of his brother's phobia?"
The OP explained how her solution to ensuring her younger son could enjoy a peaceful dinner did not sit well with her sister.
"This is a bit of an odd situation, so I figured I'd come to Reddit for some fresh perspectives."
"So, for the past, I'd say three months, my older son Rex (15) always, and I mean always, gets hiccups midway through dinner."
"I'm not sure what kind of glitch is going on, I've had him checked out, and apparently nothing is wrong except maybe eating too fast (he has tried slowing down but no luck)."
"Ordinarily, this wouldn't be much of a problem, except my younger son Marshall (13) has a phobia of hiccups (yes, it's a real thing)."
"He's been totally freaked out and usually had his hands clamped over his ears every time we sat down to dinner."
"I felt really bad. His anxiety's terrible, and it was beyond just him being annoyed."
"I've tried a lot of things, from hiccup remedies for Rex and some therapy for Marshall, but it just doesn't seem to be working."
"Last week I decided Rex should just eat upstairs."
"I think he's old enough to not care as much about sitting at the table, plus the hiccups are embarrassing to him, so I figured he'd enjoy the privacy."
"Well my sister is a big-time busybody. She's always asking my kids all kinds of invasive questions."
"I was on the phone with her the other day, and guess who's telling me I'm a bad mother for daring to consider my child with a phobia."
"I defended my position by acknowledging that yes, Rex might be feeling a slight amount of extra embarrassment because he has to eat upstairs, but honestly, that's nothing compared to the terror his brother was experiencing when he was downstairs."
"I don't think my sister understands the gravity of a phobia. She just thinks Marshall 'doesn't like hiccups' and that's it, but then again, she's always been dismissive of mental issues."
"That said, I guess her words did have an effect on me because I'm still thinking about it now."
"AITA here for how I'm handling things?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no support from the Reddit community, who largely agreed that the OP was indeed the a**hole for making Rex eat his dinner alone in his room.
While everyone agreed that the OP was indeed thinking of Marshall's best interests, they also felt that she didn't come up with an equitable solution, feeling that she was showing favoritism to Marshall and was feeding into his phobia rather than helping it.
"I'd have probably suggested alternating who eats upstairs or (not sure if there's more than you three) why don't 2 of you eat together in one room and the others at the normal table."
"Definitely need help for the kid with the phobia."
"You may not yet know the cause of the hiccups in the other kid, but phobias can definitely be treated."
"I'm not sure feeding into his phobia is the long-term solution - but I get you are just trying to balance the situation."- Arstanoth
"I am sorry, but YTA."
"This is not a solution to send your other son to eat alone in his room while you all have family time."
"Frankly, I am appalled."
"The obvious solution is to have one of your sons eat with you while the other eats with the other parent and alternate each other day until the hiccup stops."
"Eating slowly, chewing for a longer time, drinking water during meals."
"It can help. Hiding your son in his room doesn't do anything else than making your son feel like a second-class citizen."- Ryuloulou
"Why aren't you banishing Marshall too?"
"You're telling one son he doesn't matter because of the irrational fear of the other."
"Why not stagger it so they rotate who eats with the family?"
"Instead, you completely locked one kid out for your golden child."
"YTA."- YourGirlRio
"YTA."
"I'm sorry that Marshall has a phobia, but that doesn't mean that gets to dictate where his brother can eat."
"All that tells Rex is that you care more about his younger brother's feelings than his."-Old_Inevitable8553
"YTA You are punishing your son for something he can't control."
"Perhaps stagger meal times."
"So you sit with one child while he eats, then with the other while he eats."
"If it is a two-parent household, then have one parent eat with each until it can be addressed."-ghjkl098
"The suggestion to stagger eating meals so that they both have time with you makes the most sense until the issue is solved."
"If you have not taken your oldest to a GI doctor and only to his family Dr., I recommend seeking a referral."
"I have a type of esophagitis that cause spasms, and prior to diagnosis hiccuping was something I experienced regularly."
"After an endoscopy and proper medicine, my esophagitis is managed, and I rarely experience hiccups."
"Prior to being diagnosed, I thought it was just a weird thing that happened to me, then the specialist told me it was a symptom."
"Good Luck!"- Odd-Ad-9472
"YTA."
"Poor Rex."
"He being locked away for something he can't control."
"I agree with your sister."
"You have taught Rex that he isn't important as his brother."- Dixie-Says
"YTA, how dare your sister take an interest in your kids and their lives when you obviously don't."
"Why can't the 13 yr old put on headphones or HIM leave the room?"
"You need to do better about hiding the fact the 13 yr old is the favorite."
"Jesus, banning your oldest from the room for something he can't control because it upsets the other one that can't control being upset."
"You suck."
"Give the 13 yr old headphones and STOP pushing the oldest away."- PatchEnd
"Well done on coming to Reddit and being open to considering other people's views on this matter."
"However, if you're going to actually consider other people's views, you have to actually try and think about them and be open to the possibility that those other people might be right."
"I was on the phone with her the other day, and guess who's telling me I'm a bad mother for daring to consider my child with a phobia."
"'Daring to consider...?!'"
"No. Just no."
"I can absolutely f*cking guarantee your sister was not calling you a bad mother for 'daring to consider' your other son."
"YTA."
"YT massive a**hole for that comment alone."
"If you were 'considering' both of your sons as any good mother would, then there is absolutely zero chance that the ideal solution to this problem would be for one of the two sons to be banished from dinner."
"This is an awful solution, essentially punishing one of your sons for something out of his control."
"It is one of the nastiest and most inconsiderate solutions possible to envisage."
"I don't know whether your sister called you a bad mother or not because you're clearly an unreliable narrator at relaying what she said."
"But if she did, she was right."- Vernacian
One can appreciate how the OP wants Marshall to be able to eat his dinner in peace.
That being said, making Rex eat alone in his room every night must not make him feel particularly good.
Especially owing to something he has no control over.
One can only hope that the OP can find a solution to both cure Rex's hiccups and ease Marshall's phobia in a timely manner and that the whole family can enjoy a conflict-free meal sooner rather than later.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp