It may come as a surprise to children, as well as adults without children, that parents don't take any enjoyment in punishing their kids.
That being said, even if it might be the last resort, sometimes a punishment is the only way to get children to stop misbehaving.
The threat of punishment is enough to strike the fear of God in children, resulting in the children swiftly changing their behavior for the better and saving their parents from actually inflicting the punishment.
But when children continue to misbehave, likely assuming that their parents wouldn't actually go through with grounding them or taking TV, internet, or video games away from them for an extended period of time, they usually find themselves in for a rather unpleasant surprise.
The teenage daughter of Redditor vacationcompetition found a way to trick her stepfather into buying her various things while on a family vacation.
Having finally had enough, the original poster (OP) told her daughter that if she kept up with this behavior, there would be serious consequences.
The OP's stepdaughter thought her mother was surely bluffing but found herself in for a very unpleasant surprise.
After being scolded by her ex-husband for following through with her threat, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for grounding my daughter for ruining our vacation?"
The OP explained why her daughter found herself grounded for the remainder of her vacation and why doing so ended up getting her in hot water with her ex-husband:
"My husband, daughter (15), stepkids (13, 16), and I just came back from a 2-week vacation."
"My daughter is very smart and is very good at a lot of things."
"She's also very competitive."
"My husband is also very competitive."
"My daughter started off this vacation by telling my husband there was sudoku on the plane and explaining how to play."
"He didn't know that she's been playing sudoku for months."
"She made a bet with him that if she finishes the hardest level first, he'd buy her wifi for the flight and if he finished first she'd share a bed with his younger daughter on the trip (his younger daughter was complaining about sharing with his oldest because she kicks and sleeps in the middle of the bed."
"She beat him and pestered him until he bought the wifi."
"When we got there she'd challenge him to races on land and in the pool."
"She's won medals at state track meets and has been swimming since she was 2."
"Every day she'd challenge him to something, win, and he'd have to buy her something from the resort or local shops."
"My husband was getting sick of losing, and my stepdaughters were upset that their dad was buying her stuff and not them, so I told my daughter she either couldn't compete with her stepdad or she had to let him win."
"She decided to tell her stepdad that she wasn't allowed to compete with him anymore because he couldn't handle losing."
"This made them start to argue so I told her that if she didn't keep it up she'd be grounded to the resort for the rest of the trip (a little over a week at this point)."
"She decided to test me so I stuck to my word and she was left at the resort while the rest of us went out every day."
"The vacation was much more enjoyable without her turning everything into a competition, but she told her dad when she got back that we grounded her, and he's mad at me now for leaving her there and excluding her from the vacation because my husband couldn't act like an adult."
"I told him my daughter was warned to stop, but she decided to test me, and now he's forcing her to stick to the custody schedule (technically, I have her every other weekend, but he was letting her go back and forth whenever she wanted) and is threatening to go to court for child support and back pay."
"AITA for grounding her for ruining the vacation?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The OP received little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who pretty much unanimously agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for grounding her daughter for the rest of their vacation.
Everyone agreed that the OP's ex-husband was correct in that her husband needed to be the grown-up and should have stopped agreeing to her daughter's bets instead of giving her teenage daughter an ultimatum to stop making these bets.
"I cannot stop laughing at the scenario of an adult being challenged by a teenager and constantly losing but still accepting every bet."
"This is honestly the funniest thing I've read on the internet in weeks."
"It feels like it came straight from 'The Simpsons'."
"D'oh!"
"Anyway, YTA and your husband is a fool but thank you for the laughs."- SpicyArms
"Wowww YTA."
"Uh, no, you tell your husband to be an adult and stop taking the bait."
"It's not your daughter's responsibility to manage a grown adult's immaturity."
"Good."
"I'm glad at least one adult in this situation has common sense."- Brainjacker
"I didn't see the spot where you told your grown, adult husband to stop accepting sucker bets because it takes two to compete."
"I also didn't see where you told your husband he could buy Wi-Fi for all the kids and not exclude two from the 'winnings'."
"YTA for putting all this on your daughter and none on your husband."
"I also didn't see why it was reasonable for you to lay a scorched earth level punishment for unruly behavior except that it was easier than actually parenting."
"YTA and your daughter may stop talking to you when she can."
"Awful mom."
"Great job."- ColoradoWeasel
"YTA."
"Of course you are."
"The easiest fix was to tell you husband to stop competing with his stepdaughter."
"Issue resolved."
"But of course you didn't take that route, you decided to harshly punish your 15yr old."
"One crime should equal one day's punishment not missing more than a week of vacation."
"That was very cruel."
"It think it is more likely you did that to 'even things out' because your stepdaughters were upset your daughter had won special gifts in her competition."
"Also what she did was not deserving not any punishment really."
"This doesn't take into consideration your terrible comment that the vacation was more enjoyable to you after you grounded her for telling her stepfather why they couldn't compete anymore."
"How could you in good conscience say your vacation was better knowing she was alone being excluded from events when again you could have easily solved the issue by telling you husband to stop competing."
"She is better off away from you."
"You seem to really dislike her, or maybe you are threatened by your husband spending time with her, something is off with you."
"You treat her unfairly, punish her unjustly and too harshly."
"She needs a mother who loves her, uplifts her and advocates for her, not one who uses their position of authority to unjustly ostracize her from family time."- Gladtobealive2020
"Wow."
"YTA."
"Why couldn't your husband just say no?"
"Why does your 15 yo have to 'let him win' because he's not mature enough to use his big boy words and say 'I'll pass'?"
"When your husband and daughter started to argue, why was SHE in the wrong, not him?"
"Why are you infantilising your husband but expecting your teenager to be an adult?"
"How sad that you said you enjoyed your vacation more without your daughter…sounds like she'll be better off with her dad."- Ok_hon
"Um, who is the adult here?"
"You should be mad at your husband for accepting and encouraging these bets."
"YTA."- CanterCircles
"YTA."
"Your husband should not have been accepting challenges from, or rewarding, a 15-year-old."
"Does he have NO judgment?"
"Since he was being foolish, and you knew your daughter's abilities, YOU should have said 'no more challenges' early."
"Punishing your daughter while letting your equally responsible husband off the hook was also wrong."
"Given how badly you and your husband botched this, her dad SHOULD go for more custody."-bkwormtricia
"YTA."
"Your husband didn't have to accept all of those challenges."
"You're blaming her for his inability to manage his own competitiveness."
"I agree with your ex (her father)."- T_G_A_H
It wasn't right of the OP's daughter to constantly trick her stepfather into buying her things, and the OP needed to call her out.
That said, the OP's husband was under no obligation to say yes to any of the bets, and a grown man should not get quite so upset at losing anything to a teenager.
If the OP wanted her daughter to be mature and behave like an adult, then it's all the more important for her and her husband to behave like adults as well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp