Different hair textures require different care techniques. As an Indigenous North American woman with 3A curls of thick, blue-black hair, I’m sympathetic to people with 3B+ curls.
Even for me, the usual lather, rinse, and repeat doesn’t produce the same results as people with less curl and finer hair.
A mom of a mixed race child turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after offering assistance to an adoptive mother of a black child.
Slight_Beginning6445 asked:
“AITA for asking another mom if I could help with her daughter’s hair?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter (9) recently made a new friend. The friend is adopted, she’s Black and her parents are White.”
“We’ve had her around our house a lot the last few months and we’ve noticed that her parent’s don’t really know how to look after her hair.”
“I’m White and my husband is mixed. His Black grandmother lives with us and she has pointed out the girl’s hair and even tried to give her some haircare advice.”
“I decided to bring up with the mom about her daughter’s hair and that my husband’s grandma was happy to give some advice or even wash/detangle and braid her hair.”
“The mom was really upset that I would suggest she couldn’t take care of her daughter properly and that I was overstepping boundaries. I told her that my grandma-in-law just wanted to help her to help her daughter.”
“She told me I was being rude and undermining her parenting. She also told me I wasn’t the first person to bring this up.”
“I’m worried now because I really didn’t think she would react like that. I’m worried I’ve ruined my daughter’s new friendship.”
“I understand why she’s upset at thinking I’m trying to suggests she’s not looking after her daughter properly.”
On the other hand, it’s 2024. There is so much information out there to help her with her daughter’s hair plus we live near a big city where there are loads of salons she could take her daughter to.”
“AITA for bringing this up?”
“I feel bad about how things transpired.”
“Initially, I said something along the lines of ‘Hey, my husband’s grandma was wondering if she could do a little haircare for your daughter and she’d love to braid her hair’.”
“I can’t remember what she brought up first, but at some point she asked me why I was asking and I said it seems like you might need some help taking care of it.”
“When she was completely against the idea, I continued to say that grandma would be happy to just give advice. Which was when I realised she was offended I’d even asked.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Asked my daughter’s friend’s mom if she wanted some help taking care of her daughter’s hair as we noticed she maybe wasn’t caring for it properly.”
“This upset her mom who thinks we were questioning her ability to care for her daughter.”
“This has possibly resulted in ruining my daughter’s friendship.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Thd majority of Redditors felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA, assuming the suggestion was given in relative private and not like, at a mom’s group in front of fifteen people.”
“That woman needs to learn to love her daughter more than her pride. Her daughter’s hair is different than hers and it requires different skills and tools to care for.”
“I am roughly 100% certain that if she walked into any Black salon (don’t be weird about this comment yall, you know what I mean) or beauty shop the people in it would love to help her and her daughter.” ~ Scary-Welder8404
“NTA. She should be putting her daughter first & she isn’t if people are offering to help because it’s clear she’s struggling. Especially with detangling.” ~ Apart-Ad-6518
“She’ll finally change her mind the day her daughter comes home crying because the other kids are making fun of her. NTA.” ~ diezwillinge
“She absolutely will not. She’ll just decide to damage her daughter’s hair by straightening it because she’ll have too much pride to admit that that she was wrong, with some racism/dismissal of other cultures thrown in there.” ~ sadworldmadworld
“This is honestly kinda neglectful of the mom. I know she doesn’t know better, but if multiple people have said something and she can realize her daughter’s hair is f*cked up, she should let go of her pride.”
“Hair, especially curly, can get matted so quick with the wrong products. Then here comes the big chop and a blow to the kid’s self esteem. Poor girl.” ~ Far_Adhesiveness1586
However some thought the opposite, that OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“Hmm… so if the friend was White would you have said anything to her mother? YTA.” ~ Money-Tiger569
“I think that’s a very interesting question.”
“Probably 10 years or so ago, there was a photo of Angelina Jolie with Shiloh and Zahara—who is Black. Both Shiloh and Zahara had the ‘messy ponytail’ look, and Angelina’s hair was kind of a messy style as well.”
“Not one person criticized Angelina or Shiloh for their hair, but every commenter criticized Angelina, Zahara, or both for Zahara’s hair.”
“That said, Black hair does need additional care. If the hair is actually dried out, that can be a big problem. If it’s just not styled at all times, then YTA.” ~ Rredhead926
“YTA. Severely overstepped boundaries and embarrassed another person. You can be ‘right’ and still be an ahole, something this subReddit struggles with understanding.” ~ Pintailite
“Gentle YTA for your accusatory approach. I’m going to guess it’s a sore subject for her. Totally not an excuse to go off on you, but having another White woman say something about her child’s hair may have just kind of sent her over the edge.”
“I would approach it with grace, and next time you see her, apologize and just say you know how hard haircare is, and we are just offering some help since your Black MIL lives with you and does fantastic work with your kid’s hair.”
“Let her know her kid looks great, but you were just extending a helping hand also being a White mom with a child who has a hair type you weren’t familiar with before your marriage.”
“Maybe even ask her out for a coffee. Maybe she needs a friend too.” ~ RedHolly
“I am a White mom to a Black daughter. One thing you need to be careful of: is the issue actually the health of her hair (moisturized, detangled, clean, etc…) or is it that it’s not styled at all times?”
“There is an expectation forced on the Black community where the hair always has to be styled or look nice. While this can be cute, it doesn’t mean the hair is not cared for properly or it’s not healthy. This line gets blurred a lot, especially if it’s a White parent to a Black child.”
“The other question: would you say the same thing to a Black mom of a Black child? Or a White mom of a White child?”
“There are lots of White kids running around without their hair impeccably styled 24/7. There are plenty of children of all races out there with wild hair. If not, then it’s racist to push this stereotype on this mother and on her child.”
“So depending on the actual condition of the hair, you might be YTA.” ~ pibble-momma
“There are a lot of assumptions beneath the idea of ‘good hair’. That mom almost certainly knows how to handle the hair and likely is choosing not to.”
“The microagression embedded in a lot of the comments is that Black hair is inherently unattractive in its natural state, and it needs to be tamed, shaped, braided, etc… to be acceptable.”
“It becomes a racist microaggression when we recognize we don’t push perfectly styled hair as a requirement on White children or their mothers.” ~ tinyahjumma
And some saw no a**holes here (NAH).
“NAH. You thought you were being kind by offering to help mom with your daughter’s friend’s hair. However, you also said that this is a new friend—so you don’t necessarily have transparency.”
“Maybe Friend’s hair looks unkempt because mom doesn’t know how to do it—this is what you automatically assumed.”
“But maybe friend’s hair looks unkempt because a friend has sensory issues and won’t allow mom to brush her hair, or because friend is exercising bodily autonomy and choosing unkempt hair, or because friend has legitimate trauma around having her hair done, or you just haven’t seen her when her hair is styled.”
“I’m also going to agree with the poster who said Caucasian people with Black partners don’t get some sort of ‘Wise Person’ pass. Mom may have taken the comments better if they came from an actual Black person.” ~ Rredhead926
This topic definitely could have been approached more diplomatically and perhaps attained different results.
As some of the OP’s critics pointed out, there could be many reasons for the way the friend’s hair looks the way it does. And maybe it is an exception, not a regular occurrence.
Asking if there was a problem instead of telling the mother there was one would have been a far better way to broach the subject.
And everyone who responded needs to unpack the inherent double standards placed on people of different races.
Bed head and wind-blown and messy updos are actual hairstyles people pay money to achieve, but they are only acceptable for some people.
Why is natural hair considered attractive for some but a negative for others?