For anyone who works in childcare, one of the most important things to have is trust.
No parent wants to feel that they can't leave their children alone with someone, and no childcare provider wants to feel that they're being taken advantage of.
And when that trust is broken, it can create tension—and possibly even sever that working relationship.
So when Redditor AITAThrowaway11__2 recently encountered some conflict in regards to her kids' former babysitter, she turned to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) to see if she was in the wrong, asking:
"AITA for calling my husband delusional for expecting me to re-hire the babysitter after she read our daughter's journal?"
The OP explained the backstory of how the sitter came into their lives.
"My husband and I work long shifts. We have 3 kids and for years we've been hiring babysitters of different kinds to help with the kids."
"My oldest is my 14 yo daughter Lauren. She's been going through hard phase after her best friend passed away from leukemia on December. It impacted her hugely."
"She received therapy for 2 months and is doing better now but grief has no timeline and she misses her bestie so much. I do all I can to be available and lend a comforting shoulder."
"We got her a new journal to write down about her thoughts and feelings and she's been doing a lot better since she had it."
When her husband suggested a friend's daughter, the OP was all about it—until things started going south.
"We were looking for a babysitter and my husband suggested his friend's 17 yo daughter. I know her, so I said yes right away."
"She worked for us for weeks, she sometimes teases Lauren about her being uptight, never smiling, giving her the nickname 'grinch'. I'd told her to stop it but she said she was just messing with her trying to get her to cheer up 'no biggie'."
But one recent event sent things over the edge.
"Days ago while I was working Lauren called me and was crying saying I needed to come home. I freaked out and when I got there I saw the babysitter sitting with the kids, Lauren was upstairs."
"She said the babysitter took her journal and started reading it out loud in front of the kids while recording herself. I was pissed af."
"I asked the babysitter and she said she was just messing with Lauren and showing her that it's okay to speak emotions out loud instead of bottling up. She really she thought was helping her overcome her fear to express herself."
"I yelled saying it wasn't her place and that she caused more trouble than ever. She apologized and swore she deleted the video but I told her she could no longer work for us and needed to leave."
"She broke down crying and apologizing to me and Lauren. But I refused to let her keep her job. I know Lauren doesn't want to be around her anymore."
The OP's husband didn't like how she handled the situation.
"My husband came home and was upset that I let the babysitter go, reminding me that this was his friend's daughter and I shouldn't have made her leave. He argued that I handled this the wrong way and that I should've been the adult in this situation instead of yelling and kicking her out."
"I explained what she did to Lauren but he said 'I agree with you on this, she should've known better but she didn't, kids her age make mistakes, what's done's done, she apologized so we should give her another chance.'"
"He kept on about how this impacted his friendship of 14 years. Also said we're now without a babysitter and he has trip is this week so I have no choice but to let her come back but I said no, she will never step a foot in the house again."
"He called me unreasonable by referring to everything as if it's mine and he shouldn't have an opinion, and said it's his house too."
When it came to letting the babysitter come back, the OP wasn't about to budge.
"I ended up calling him delusional for expecting me to re-hire her after the stunt she pulled on Lauren and I won't let it happen because my daughter can't feel comfortable in her home. He got very upset for what I said and stopped speaking to me since then."
"AITA?"
The OP later added some additional info as to why they needed a babysitter in the first place.
"EDIT: For those asking why we'd need a babysitter with 14 yo in the house. First of all, the babysitter is for my younger children (6 - 4). My daughter does not need a babysitter obviously."
"Second of all, my daughter is incapable of looking after her brothers for several reason. She already made it clear and I wasn't going to force her to do it."
"Besides that, hiring a babysitter became normal and is part of our lives but this issue occurred."
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
They didn't blame the OP for taking the action she did.
"NTA. If you let this teenager back into your house, it's pretty much guaranteed that Lauren will NEVER tell you anything ever again."
"Your husband needs to be a father and stand up for his daughter. And I'm sorry, did you say she RECORDED HERSELF READING HER DIARY?"
"Why? To show her friends? Post on Facebook?"
"Reach out to this girl's father and tell him exactly what happened."—C0pper-an0de
"*This*."
"Tell your husband to prioritize your daughter not his friend's bully of a kid. And be sure the parents know *exactly* why you fired her."—maddr_lurker
Many pointed out that the babysitter's "teasing" was really just bullying.
"Agreed. OP is NTA. Like, at all."
"They're looking out for the well-being of their daughter. Rehiring the babysitter is basically inviting a bully back in to the home."
"That house needs to be a place of safety and healing for OP's daughter, not somewhere to be bullied for going through grief."—Sea_Canary_8518
"Is anyone else interpreting teasing as bullying? Sounds like the babysitter is a mean girl."
"Lauren needs to be comfortable in her home especially when she is vulnerable and grieving. Maybe some more therapy for her?!?!"
"I'm not sure why Dad is putting his friendship on a higher pedestal than his vulnerable child."
"This maybe a good lesson on acceptable behavior for the babysitter, especially if she is working around children. You do not violate someone's privacy and that video, what other video has she made of the kids in her care."
"Do the parents know whether she has posted or shared other video of the kids? It's a cold person who bullies younger teens, especially one that she knows is grieving."
"Mama made a good decision. NTA"—AmIarealbunny
"NTA you *were* the adult in the situation, she was bullying your daughter and I'm horrified your husband cares more about his friendship than that."—redditor191389
"NTA. your husband cares more about his friendship than his own daughter. That's awful."
"Don't let this girl into your home, she's a bully towards Lauren and has been since day one. Your husband should be mad at his friend for raising such an awful child, not at you for protecting your daughter."—MeringuepieMoth
If the babysitter had been allowed to go unchecked and posted the video on social media, the consequences could've been dire.
"I work with teens, depression, grief and something like this could throw them over the edge. If that went viral, many kids would get suicidal."
"What this girl did is bullying and extremely dangerous! What is wrong with your husband????"
"Does he not care about his daughter's mental, and emotional wellbeing???? He should be outraged, and get in that girl's parents' face."
"He could lose his daughter emotionally and even physically. You have to bring this up to the parents and make sure she did not share it. Also, she needs consequences."
"The next kid she babysits could hurt themselves because of her. I can't imagine what could happen if it went viral."
"It's bad enough her private thoughts were made fun of by a moronic, immature teenager, but to not have your father even care about you speaks volumes of negativity. This could have horrible repercussions for quite awhile."
"Let her therapist know. I am so sorry OP. Glad you are protecting your daughter!!"
"Your husband is an AH, and he needs serious consequences. Have him talk to the therapist or the counselors at school on what kind of damage this can do."
"I have seen or heard about too many eating disorders, cutters, and suicides because of stunts like this. NTA!!!!!"—Feeling-Fab-U-Lus
"Agreed. My stepmom used to read my diary and share it with people including my Dad who would get angry but wasn't able to stop her due to her then just doing it when he wasn't home."
"I actually attempted suicide via OD soon after and nearly died due to it. This isn't ok. Husband needs a wake up call and maybe OP to show him this thread."—BooksAndStarsLover
"Fully agree! This is severely abusive and quite likely to be a possible source of trauma for that poor poor girl."
"I don't think the babysitter had good intentions at all. I think she's just a manipulative liar."
"Letting that 17-year-old in again would be to further abuse and traumatize Lauren. It's not acceptable and if your husband continues to insist on it OP, then he is falling miserably as a father."
"He is putting his own comfort and want of avoiding an uncomfortable situation with his friend over your daughters emotional safety and well-being."—GaiasDotter
It sounds like Reddit thinks the OP made the right call.
Hopefully the former babysitter will think twice before pulling another stunt like that, and has learned that her actions have consequences.
And the OP's husband should take a long, hard look at his priorities.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp