Redditor doaleapa is a wife and mother whose household is not going to a large family gathering for Thanksgiving this year due to the current health crisis.
When she and her husband got into a huge blowout over turkey plans on the homefront, she visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for telling my family that if they want Thanksgiving, they’ll have to get off their a**es and plan it?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Usually for Thanksgiving, we head out to go see family. Someone else always hosts (we typically help ‘sponsor’ the host by paying for clean-up, etc, our home is just too small to host the 30+ folks who typically show up through the day). This year that’s obviously not happening.”
“Other than us talking about not doing the usual, Thanksgiving didn’t come up until yesterday. My kids have the week off from online school, and I was doing a puzzle with them before dinner when my husband walks in after work and says: ‘So did we get a turkey?'”
“I looked at him and said ‘Well, I know I didn’t. Did you?'”
“He stared at me blankly and said ‘No. What do you mean? Do we need to get one still? Is it being delivered?'”
“I shrugged and said ‘I don’t know nothing about no turkey.'”
“The kids and he looked so confused, so I helped them along and said ‘I didn’t buy anything. I didn’t plan anything. No one said anything to me about Thanksgiving. Nobody offered to help meal plan, cook anything, do anything.'”
“He blew up yelling at me about how I should have obviously known.”
“I said, why? I’ve literally never planned or made a Thanksgiving dinner in my life. The most I’ve ever done was help clean up or maybe peel the potato.”
“I asked him why didn’t HE plan anything, why didn’t the kids plan anything? Why is everyone waiting until the last minute and dumping it on me?”
“He just sputtered and yelled and stormed off to his ‘office’ and left me with the kids. We all had dinner, the kids cleaned up, and I was relaxing with some wine and a book after they all went to bed.”
“My husband tore into me about how he can’t believe I left this all to the last minute, now there will be no Thanksgiving, how could I know be heartbroken to do this to the kids, etc.”
“So I just looked at him and said ‘Why didn’t you plan? Why did you wait to the last minute to ask me?'”
“He told me I was being a f’king b8tch for no reason and stomped off to go sleep in his office. He left without saying a word this morning.”
“I followed up with my kids and asked them if they wanted Thanksgiving. They said they didn’t care because the food isn’t that good most of the time anyway.”
“Before you ask, yup, I work as well. We split chores but there’s no hardline. I do some, he does some.”
“We both cook, and the oldest cooks as well. I just don’t get why Thanksgiving is on my plate.”
“Why, just because I’m a woman?”
“Lmao f’k that.”
“AITA?”
Strangers were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors agreed the OP was NTA, and some accused the husband of being sexist for imposing outdated expectations on his wife.
“NTA. If he’s so concerned about having Thanksgiving dinner he can cook it or go buy a platter from somewhere. If you’ve never done it before why would he just assume you would?”
“He should’ve talked about it with you if that’s what he wanted so you guys could figure it out together. Literally all it is is themed food. It’s not like you cancelled Christmas and you can eat boxed macaroni while being thankful for stuff.” – spookybae95
“NTA. Jeezus-pleezus, the stones on this man.”
“Sounds like someone has some sexism jammed into that turkey where the stuffing oughta be, honestly. If it was a situation where you were a SAHP and did all or even most of the cooking then it could’ve been a mild Y.T.A (per your post I see that you share those duties, so you’re morally WELL in the clear there)”
“But telling your wife she’s being a f’king b*tch’ for calmly asking why you weren’t allowed to do the exact same thing he was doing – aka, nothing – and then literally STOMPING OFF TO HIS ROOM…good god.”
“That sounds, to put it mildly, extremely unattractive in a life partner.” – EnterTheBugbear
“So much sexism. Like, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was 1950 again and titties were considered to be essential equipment for roasting a turkey. My bad.”
“NTA, OP.” – CaptainBasketQueso
“OP’s partner sounds like that kind of person that will say ‘what are we going to cook today?’ And then go lay off on the couch and not even set up the table. And yes, it’s extremely unattractive. OP NTA.” – SophyTin
“NTA. A phrase I HATE more than anything is ‘it goes without saying’, because often it really doesn’t. This is the attitude your husband has taken with you and Thanksgiving.”
“Dumping all of this on you and blaming you is wrong. If he had come to you and discussed it, then this would be different. But he hasn’t, and is acting like an arsehole.” – eternal_entropy
“I’m so sick of this mentality that we women are somehow the default parent and the default household manager getting sh*t done. Do you have two legs and wallet? Then you can walk your a** into a grocery store and buy some food.” – kortiz46
The OP clarified a few details after combing through the comments.
“Thanks for the judgments, all. A lot of people seem to think that my kids are like, toddlers or something.”
“They’re old enough to help make the menu for dinners, help with cooking, etc. It’s weird how many people came up with info here, like I was ‘getting down on the floor playing’ rather than me and the kids… sitting at the table doing a puzzle.”
“Anyway, I told my husband that if he wants to do some traditional Thanksgiving with all the fattening, carby, salty, beige food, he can go ahead and plan it and I’ll help in the same capacity as always.”
“If he wants me and the kids to cook something together (aka a normal, average Thursday) I’ll continue with what was scheduled.”
“The kids genuinely do not care. Thanksgiving doesn’t mean anything to them. One of them has been asking for us to stay home for years.”
“One of them barely touches the food as it is, and the other one only likes to go so she can see her cousins, and she sees them all the time anyway.”
“The middle kid already dug out another puzzle for us and they’re just happy they’re off school.”
“Also, we don’t do Christmas.”
And she concluded her post with a direct message to readers.
“Check your biases, folks. Don’t leap to conclusions based on what you want to have happened.”