Coming out to your parents is a scary experience. You never know how they might react.
But, no one has the right to decide how or when you come out.
Redditor PerspectiveRude6933 encountered this very issue with her daughter. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“WIBTA if I don’t go to my daughter’s wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“About ten years ago, a close friend of our daughter’s came out as gay.”
“This friend in particular slept over at our house so much that she was almost like a daughter to us. We even had a separate bed in our daughter’s bedroom just for her.”
“When we found out she was gay, our husband and I had a discussion about whether we should continue to let her sleep in our daughter’s bedroom, or if we should move her to the guest bedroom.”
“We were hesitant, but we had a conversation with our daughter, who was 17 at the time, and she told us that even if her friend tried anything, she would shut it down because she was straight.”
“It made sense, we believed our daughter was trustworthy and responsible, and so we allowed the friend to continue sleeping in her room. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.”
OP’s daughter moved out and became more comfortable with her identity.
“They finished senior year and went off to college. We never suspected anything.”
“Everytime they would come home for the holidays, my daughter brought a boy with her and my daughter’s friend brought a girl with her. Come to find out, that the boy we thought our daughter was dating was actually dating the girl that we thought our daughter’s friend was dating.”
“And the way we found out is because one day I get an invitation in the mail. To a wedding. For our daughter. And her friend.”
“I was so confused.”
“I called my daughter, thinking there had been some type of typo or something. No answer. I call the friend and I can barely ask, ‘What’s going on?’ before the friend breaks down crying and confesses that her and my daughter have been in a relationship for a decade, which was around the time we agreed to let her sleep in our daughter’s room.”
“My husband and I felt – feel – so betrayed.”
OP decided to focus on her wedding.
“Our daughter gets on the phone and says, ‘Mom, Dad, I know you’re upset and I promise we’ll talk after the wedding and I’ll explain everything.'”
“I said, ‘Okay, we’ll talk after the wedding.’ I hang up. The next day she calls me. I pick up and say, ‘Why are you calling me? I thought you didn’t want to talk until after the wedding.'”
“She said, ‘We are, but I wanted to know what times you’re available so we could go get measured for our dresses.'”
“And I said, ‘What do you mean ‘we?’ You don’t that your father and I are going to your wedding, do you? You lied to us for ten years. For no reason. And you expect us to just automatically disregard that? We’ll talk after the wedding.'”
“I haven’t spoken to my daughter since then and the wedding is sometime this month.”
“My husband and I have been getting a lot of calls from family members on both sides telling us that we’re being ‘selfish’ for ruining our daughter’s special day over something that ‘happened ten years ago.'”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was the a**hole.
“Edit bc I guess I need to clarify some things.”
“Both would be assholes in this situation. If parents didn’t go to wedding and the fact that the daughter lied for 10yrs (at least).”
“While it’s easy to take OP at face value, or rather text value and say her daughter is immature and needs to grow up, the idea that the daughter hid her gayness for TEN YEARS is something I cannot overlook and as others have stated, leads me to believe there are omissions.”
“It’s easy to hide your pain when you have something to look forward to. Her daughter could have chose to not tell them at all. To not include them at all. But she did.”
“You have to respect the daughter’s emotional and mental capabilities as well. Maybe she wasn’t ready, even after all this time, to come out but wanting to get married forced her to.”
“When you’re trying to get ready for a wedding, it’s a very stressful time so asking that something this big not interfere with the wedding and be put on pause is not an unreasonable request. JUST HEAR ME OUT: We don’t really know OP so we can’t gauge how a confrontation about this would ‘go down.'”
“If you can’t understand why I have said what I said, that is understandable. But I have 2 mothers and neither even call me up to talk to me. I have 3 kids and a husband of my own and my ‘family’ don’t want anything to do with me BUT DOTE ON MY OLDER sister. Call her all the time. Text. Snap. FB. Visit. Go out of their way to be good parents to her.”
“If what I take OP’s post as being 100%honest then i can see she loves her daughter very much and that makes her a wonderful mother. She would definitely regret not going to the wedding even tho she is hurt and sometimes you can’t see that when you’re close to the situation. End edit Original is below.”
“SET YOUR FEELINGS ASIDE for the amount of time it takes to bask in the glory of what it’s like to get your daughter ready for her wedding. Love on her, dote on her, praise her and make her feel beautiful and loved.”
“You AND her father should be there for her through the process and AT THE WEDDING!”
“Once the wedding, reception AND honeymoon are over, have them both come to the house.”
“Talk calmly and rationally and tell them both that you are very hurt that they thought they needed to hide their relationship from you and that the only thing it would have changed would have been the sleeping arrangements.”
“Tell them they are both loved and both amazing girls but that their behavior was unacceptable and you are very, deeply hurt by it.”
“Then go from there. But first, PLEASE, your daughter only gets ONE first time. First chance at love. First chance at happiness. First chance at a wonderful wedding. First chance at sharing the woman she loves with her parents on a VERY special day.”
“You would hate yourself if, years down the line, you two had become close again and made amends and you had not been to her wedding. Or worse, she would hate you, no matter how you validate your actions, and you two would grow apart and you would have an even emptier nest because she would NEVER come back around.”
“Just let her know that you’re NOT mad that she’s gay, you’re mad that she thought she had to lie about it. Tell her she is loved, tell her fiancé that she is loved. Tell them you are excited for them and you are deeply hurt and you’re having troubles with the conflict of emotions.” ~ Dependent-Fox9529
OP’s daughter didn’t feel safe enough to come out. And, that is important.