Any parent will tell you that deciding how to discipline their kids is hard.
But staying consistent and dealing with pushback have to be the hardest parts, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor The-Compliment-Fairy was frustrated with her daughter's inconsideration of the rest of her family when she slammed her bedroom door every time she left the room.
But when her daughter made a dramatic display of slamming it, the Original Poster (OP) decided no door was the next best course of action.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for removing my daughter's bedroom door because she won't stop slamming it?"
The OP's one complaint about her daughter was her bedroom door.
"I (40 Female) have three kids. Maggie (14 Female), Levi (12 Male), and Charlie (10 Male). Levi and Charlie share a bedroom and Maggie has her own room as the oldest and also the only girl."
"Maggie is a great kid. She does her homework, helps with chores without too much complaint, and doesn't bug her little brothers (too) much."
"The issue is that she will not stop slamming her bedroom door."
"When she gets up to use the bathroom at night, she slams her bedroom door on her way out and back in. When she gets up in the morning or goes to bed at night, she slams it. Pretty much any time she enters or exits her room, the door gets slammed.2
"And it's only her door, none of the other doors in the house. It shakes the walls and frequently wakes up everyone else in the house. Her brothers' room shares a wall with hers and our bedroom is directly above theirs."
"We've talked to her about it and asked her very politely to please be more mindful about it because it is disturbing the rest of us, but it's in one ear and out the other."
"We tried being more forceful about it, saying that if she continues to slam her door there will start to be consequences. Still, nothing changes."
The OP finally had to make some changes.
"It all came to a head the other night when she got up to use the bathroom and all four of us were woken up by the slamming."
"I have to be up at 5 AM for work, and I've had enough of the broken sleep and come downstairs and knocked on her door."
"She opened it and said WHAT?! with such an attitude, it took a lot of self-control not to start yelling."
"I told her as calmly as I could that if she slammed that door one more time, she was going to come home and find it gone."
"She proceeded to yell at me to leave her alone and then slammed it five times as hard as she could."
"Well, the next day (Friday) she went to school, and my husband and I both had the day off, so we took the door off the frame and installed a curtain rod with a nice heavy curtain over the door instead."
Maggie was furious when she returned home.
"She came home and freaked the f**k out. She said we're being emotionally abusive and taking away her right to privacy. She sulked all weekend and won't talk to us now."
"My mother says I'm the AH because I overreacted but she doesn't have to deal with the house shaking."
"I want to add that we completely respect each other's privacy in our house, which is why we hung up a heavy curtain and made sure that we couldn't see through it or around it. The curtain is an industrial type that blocks sound and light. We even put little Velcro pieces on the walls and curtain sides so it stays in place."
"She still has her physical privacy which she is absolutely entitled to, but can't slam a piece of fabric. We also have never and still don't just go into her room unannounced and still knock on the wall to ask permission to enter."
"We've told her we'll happily put her door back on once she agrees to respect the no-slamming rule."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood and agreed with the OP's chosen consequence.
"NTA. Interrupting everyone's sleep is unacceptable. You gave her plenty of opportunities to change her door-slamming behavior and she didn't do it."
"Let her sulk it out for a set amount of time (let her know this amount... one week... three days... whatever you choose), then return the door conditionally for a trial. If she can refrain from slamming it, she can keep it. If not, the door gets taken off again for even more time. Rinse and repeat until she no longer slams." - Express-Afternoon724
"NTA. I was at my best friend's house when I was about 10. She and her twin sister were playing by their bedroom door, absolutely horsing around and slamming into the door repeatedly while playing. We could hear their dad from the other side of the house, saying calmly, loudly, and warningly, 'Paren con la puerta' (roughly, 'Stop messing with the door')."
"Minutes go by and they keep messing, slamming into the door loudly, so we hear it again, 'Paren con la puerta.' I was fully bracing at that point, looking at them in panic... and then they kick the door again."
"We hear steps, the man opens the door, lifts it right off its hinges, and walks off with the door under his arm without a word."
"One of my favorite memories of childhood." - Lumpy-Relationship17
"I was all set to call OP the bad guy for taking away a teenager's privacy, but they gave her ample chances and even gave her a curtain, which was a perfect touch."
"NTA." - portezbie
"I was all prepared to Y T A this bc my mom did similarly (though it was because I was 22 and working nights, and she didn't want me 'sleeping all day'... Yeah, abusive) but I didn't even get a curtain."
"NTA, she earned this, and I second the idea of a predetermined time to remove the curtain and give her another chance to get it right, upping the amount of time you use the curtain for each time she forgets to not slam it. Like, first offense, a few days to a week. Second, a week or two, etc. and communicating these timeframes to her." - Vaidurya
"You handled this like a pro. As a former teacher who had to deal with behavior management issues all the time. You didn't use anger or yell. You outlined an expectation and the consequence if the expectation isn't met. And then you followed through in the most respectful way possible (adding the fabric)."
"The follow-through is where most people falter cause who likes punishing kids? And you have a pathway to restore the thing taken away and having her take accountability. She doesn't get it for free, she needs to acknowledge her wrong and actually make it right."
"I wouldn't change anything about how you handled it. Just stay firm with your lines and expectations. She may fix the issue permanently or she may test you upon return of the door."
"Consistency is key, even if you have to change the consequence don't let the annoyance of having to remind her (if needed) stop you from following through on what you say you will do- while still being respectful of her." - viviolay
Others agreed and said the teen slamming the door five times was too much.
"The slamming it a few times in a row was the point where the door had to go. OP's daughter might not have meant to wake others but at that point, it was teenage spite."
"My nephew lost his door for slamming it and when he got it back, he requested padding to help cushion the door. He actually lost the door when he slammed it shut and broke his little brother's foot during an argument. I think that made him feel worse than the actual grounding."
"Doors and attitude issues are like the teenage rite of passage. My stepdaughter put us through that recently. (Opposite of door slamming though.)"
"She cussed me for knocking on her door. She was on a PriVaTe phone call. I had her laundry for her. I asked her to open the door. She snarked."
"I took the laundry back to the laundry room and let her Dad handle it. My inlaws also weighed in. They threatened to take her door. Her Grandmother (We live with inlaws) threatened to put a bar of soap in her mouth for cussing me. Especially since she had told her 10 times to come to get her clean laundry that we washed and folded."
"Her phone hours got reduced. No calls after 9 PM. But man, she's so pleasant now." - PolyPolyam
"She went nuclear with that move. Slamming the door, five times in a row, in her parent's face, in the middle of the night, disturbing everyone's sleep.
I would have done exactly the same. Brilliant parenting. Keep following through!
"NTA a million times over." - Sea-Midnight7462
"I was expecting an a-hole story, but she's disrespecting the ENTIRE household and doubled down with that five-times slamming rebuttal."
"She effed around and found out. Oh, the daughter should know that loud, disruptive sounds and sleep deprivation can be actual forms of abuse." - Humble-Nobody2884
"'I told her as calmly as I could that if she slammed that door one more time she was going to come home and find it gone. She proceeded to yell at me to leave her alone and then slammed it five times as hard as she could.'"
"I guess she made that decision on her own and was very sure about it (five times sure). NTA." - Earptastic
"Usually, parents who remove their children's bedroom doors are controlling and abusive AHs who don't give a single f**k about their child's privacy."
"But right here? Your daughter repeatedly slammed the door to her bedroom after you both politely and sternly told her not to do so multiple times. Taking away her door seems like a fitting punishment in this case."
"NTA." - imjusthere_chilling
Though the subReddit thought they were going to get a very different post than they actually got, they were all pleasantly surprised by the reasons behind why the OP took the door and how the situation was being handled, including the curtain. While a teenager shouldn't be without a door forever, if a door is going to be taken off the hinges, this is certainly the way to go about it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp