Family heirlooms are supposed to be special items and accessories that feel like a blessing, because they remind us of our loved ones, and they make our lives better or easier in some way.
But for some people, the heirloom is too bittersweet of a reminder of the person they lost, empathized the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Unique_Molasses_9987 decided that it wasn't good for her mental health to hold onto the house she inherited from her mother, even though she'd been letting her daughter live it in rent-free for the past two years.
But when her daughter called her a jerk for not letting her stay, even after doing renovations out of her own pocket, the Original Poster (OP) questioned where they had miscommunicated along the way.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for selling my house that I was allowing my daughter to stay in for free, even though she did some upgrades to it?"
The OP allowed her daughter to rent the house she inherited from her mother.
"I inherited a home years ago from my mother. It was overall outdated but in good condition. It is five hours away from where I live."
"My daughter (26) and her husband fell on hard times, and I allowed her to move in about two years ago for free. It is near the city where they work. I paid for everything and was letting them use it to get back on their feet."
"Given the area, I saved them approximately $2400 per month or 57,600 dollars."
"I informed them they could make changes to the home, just not to take out walls or any huge stuff. The last time I was at the home was about a year ago, and it just looked like they painted."
Then the OP decided that being a landlord wasn't right for her.
"The house is causing issues for my finances now, and I have had multiple people reach out to me to sell."
"I also want to sell it since I am tired of seeing the home. It just reminds me of my mom and that she is gone. So being a landlord isn't good for my mental health."
"So I decided to sell."
"I've mentioned before that I want to get rid of the home; I wasn't hiding the fact that I do not like owning it."
"I also was very clear that this was to help them out and not a permanent thing."
The OP's daughter lashed out at her for wanting to sell.
"I informed my daughter that they have six months to find a new place."
"This started an argument. She apparently put in a lot of upgrades, such as redoing the stairs, the kitchen, and they are in the middle of redoing the bathroom."
"She said that I was screwing them over and that now the house is worth more because of them."
"She called me a jerk for this, and I reminded them I gave them two years of free housing."
The OP was angry but also felt conflicted.
"I won't offer for her to buy the house first, because I know they can't afford it. The home will probably go for around 400 to 500 thousand dollars."
"Even when it was outdated, it was a big home, with some land and in a very nice area."
"I have no idea how much the upgrades will add and I am not willing to sell for less than a fair price. I also don't know if the upgrades are even up to code, so that might even cause problems later."
"I am on the fence and want more opinions."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought it made more sense to allow the daughter to stay involved with the house.
"YTA. 1000%."
"Why wouldn't you offer to sell the house to your daughter? How are the house improvements suddenly new information to you?"
"Why is this imaginary problem of seeing a home you haven't visited in a year and 'being a landlord' more important than your daughter's well-being?"
"Why are you blaming your daughter for taking you up on your offer for free rent in a house you inherited for free?" - No-Serve-5387
"I'm also really confused about the issue with the renovations. OP is saying the house is a mental burden as well because it reminds them of their late mother. Well, the daughter has now done upgrades to make it their own. If it's just the fact that it's their mother's house is maybe the issue?"
"I just can't imagine my parents pulling this stunt. If the house they inherited, that I was now living in, was causing a financial burden they would either start charging rent for whatever the burden is (I'm assuming property taxes?) or flat out sell it to me for whatever I could afford. They would never kick me out." - Jezebelle22
"The house is five hours away. How is seeing it bad for your mental health? Why didn't you just ask your daughter to start paying rent to cover whatever it was costing you financially?"
"If they're the ones doing the upgrades, and you didn't have to worry about late rent since you didn't charge them any, how is being a landlord bad for your mental health?"
"Seems you like the upgrades, and just want to sell to make a quick buck. Be prepared to never see your daughter or future grandkids ever again. Hope it's worth it. YTA." - GoreGoddezz
"I understand the daughter and partner hoping out hope that the OP would decide to 'just give' them the house at some point. I do. Maybe even to the point of making the house feel a little more like a 'home' with paint and small fixes."
"But instead of renovating a property that THEY DID NOT OWN, the daughter and her partner should have been SAVING the money they were not paying rent to buy their own place when the inevitable occurred and the golden goose needed to be taken away."
"Had they been saving their money, they should be thanking the mother for her outright generosity, allowing daughter and partner to live rent and property tax-free for well over two years."
"If it was not obvious, OP is NTA for wanting the property back and for wanting to sell up." - dadoftriplets
"It seems like they put in enough work to make the house a lot more marketable and valuable."
"Please think outside the box, you can sell the house to your daughter and you hold the mortgage. This way, you have a regular income stream from the monthly mortgage payments and your only involvement will be cashing the cheques. If they default on the mortgage you, as the mortgage holder, gain possession of the house (so you would get your asset back and can sell it then) most importantly your daughter gets to own a home."
"This is definitely the scenario in which everybody wins big. You make more money on the house than you would just selling it and banking the cash, it is a safe investment because as the owner of the mortgage, the house reverts to your possession if they default on the mortgage."
"This way your child will have the security of being a homeowner, which means she may be able to actually afford children (a rare situation these days) who will have a home in which to grow up. Win-win-win."
"This is a fairly common investment scenario as it is one of the rare investments where you cannot lose." - tulipvonsquirrel
Others thought that communication was a key issue with the OP and her daughter.
"They've been investing in fixing up the place, so they expected to live there long-term. The question is whether those expectations were set up by OP, or it's just the daughter and husband making assumptions."
"In other words, a conversation should have been had on what were the long-term plans for the house." - LaloEACB
"I can see the origin of some miscommunication and tension with their daughter on this topic. Housing is very difficult to come by right now."
"OP's daughter has lived in the house for two years and, whether or not it was officially 'approved' by OP, made significant upgrades that added value to the home that he will benefit from. She also likely does not have other options in a very competitive and expensive housing market."
"If OP is in financial need, why not a compromise where she pays you rent/the mortgage over selling the house from underneath them?"
"I also recommend some empathy for your daughter as well as an honest, calm conversation around how to respectfully continue this arrangement." - fluoridatedwater
"I think a lot of it is going to come down to how the two of you communicated (you and your daughter)."
"It's odd that she would do so much work on a house if she knew the plan was to sell. But it's also a bit odd to not offer your daughter first refusal on the house (which would save you both money in selling fees, etc)."
"I think you definitely need to get a handle on what has actually been done (including permits etc). A new kitchen/bathroom could be anything from some new appliances and cupboard doors to a complete overhaul."
"She should be able to provide you with invoices etc from any work done and any permits which she has hopefully got. If not, it's on her to get everything signed off and up to standard."
"This could get really tough between the two of you, good luck." - janewilson90
"She can apparently afford the 'upgrades.' It looks like she was hoping you'd give it to her."
"You gave them six months' heads-up. That's plenty of time, but I would give them first refusal with a 30-day expiration. I've asked the same of my parents and in-laws on a couple of things. If I don't have the finances that's on me, but if I'm not even given the opportunity, that's on them."
"Ultimately, they aren't entitled to the house or the 'upgrades' they did without your approval. It could technically be considered vandalism as they did it without approval and don't have the intention of returning it to original condition." - TraytSader
"I feel like that is more on the daughter in this situation though."
"Would it have been nice that the mom had a conversation when the burden of the home was starting to become a burden for her? Sure. Especially if the daughter is officially 'back on her feet' so maybe she has a chance to buy the home officially."
"Redoing the stairs and bathroom doesn't sound like minor or cheap renovations. If there are big noticeable changes, it sounds like they were treating the home like it was going to be their home forever going forward and if they needed to live rent-free to get by, making major changes to a home they don't own instead of saving for one of their own is just dumb."
"The daughter needed to start the conversation. Major upgrades weren't approved. You don't rent a home, upgrade the h**l out of it, and think that gives you any consideration to be reimbursed. The daughter is the one that went on assumptions without talking and while OP could have communicated intent earlier, it's not on them for what the daughter did wasting her money and huge favor done for her." - letstrythisagain30
Whether the subReddit could agree about whether or not the OP should keep the house aside, they could all agree that the mother and daughter had clearly communicated about this poorly.
Somewhere along the way, the OP's daughter must have thought she had a chance to stay in the house since she'd started renovating, even though the OP did not see it that way.
So many confrontations could be avoided with more communication, not to mention expenses saved.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp