It is important for parents to teach their children discipline.
Which often begins by giving them simple household chores, such as picking up after themselves and cleaning their rooms.
This teaches children as they grow older, they will not be waited on hand and foot by others and will have their own responsibilities to deal with.
However, as with any lesson, if this isn't taught properly, they likely won't learn their lesson properly.
Redditor clothesindrawers made sure that all their children folded and put away their own laundry.
And if she discovered they didn't, the original poster (OP) had a unique way of letting her frustrations be known.
A method the OP's daughter did not appreciate in the slightest.
Having doubts about her behavior, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for throwing my kid's clothes onto the floor when they don't fold their clothes neatly?"
The OP explained how her reaction to her daughter's poor laundry storage were met with rather surprising results.
"So I've always been kind of a neat freak mom the entire time my kids have been alive."
"I always expect their rooms to be clean, and I check their drawers/closets/storage bins to make sure they don't just shove stuff in there to make the room appear clean."
"The kids (16, 13, 9, and 6) are all responsible for putting away their laundry, and my oldest two are responsible for folding their own clothes."
"Which bothers me because my 13-year-old folds his clothes in a way that bothers me, he rolls them up instead of properly folding them."
"Ever since the kids have been home and have more free time, I am more strict about the way they put away their clothes."
"I expect their clothes to be folded a certain way and organized in a certain way in their drawers."
"I read from a mommy blogger a few years ago, that when her kid's drawers weren't organized, she would make a mess for them to organize the right way."
"I considered it for a few years, but now that the kids are old enough, I think it's the way to go for us."
"I haven't had to do this until yesterday, I walked into my 16-year-old's room while she was Face-timing her boyfriend, saw her basket of laundry that needed to be folded, and out of curiosity, opened her drawers, and saw she has shoved her clothes in there."
"I started making a mess, and she screamed 'Mom why?' and I told her she knew why."
"After that I walked out of her room, she explained to her boyfriend what I did, and he says 'your mom's f*cking crazy bruh' and I peek my head into her room, give her a look, and she ends the call with him and breaks down crying."
I told my husband what happened, he told me "I knew said you were gonna do that, but I didn't know you would actually follow through."
"This morning I woke up to a note on my daughter's door saying 'until mom can get mental help, I'm staying with Aunt (my sister's name)' I texted her, no response."
"I tried contacting my sister, who said she has no plans to return until I 'get mental help and stop being such a controlling b*tch.'"
"My husband, sister, and mom are all against me in this which hurts."
"I don't think it harmed my daughter, it benefits her and helps her stay organized."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who unanimously agreed that the OP was the a**hole for the way she behaved towards her daughter.
Everyone agreed that the OP's behavior was completely uncalled for, with some finding it borderline abusive, and many questioned if this was the only thing that led her daughter to temporarily move out.
"YTA."
"Take a look at yourself bc I doubt this is the only thing that made her leave."
"You most likely have a pattern of being controlling, and This was just the last straw."
"The way you decided to act was more akin to a child than an adult."
"You made a mess bc you didn't get your way."
"That's moronic."- madman636
"Ya I'd say YTA."
"To start, she's almost an adult."
"Sure she should fold her clothes, but if she wants to walk around with wrinkly clothes that's her choice to make."
"Second, do you really not see how embarrassing that is?"
"I'm sure if your mom pulled that same sh*t in front of your friends or boyfriend at that age you'd be pissed."
"Honestly, if my mom was this crazy I probably wouldn't talk to her anymore."
"All you can really do is apologize and try going to therapy to work on whatever makes you think it's ok to embarrass your kids like that."- Jaycro123
"There is no problem with rolling your clothes."
"It leaves fewer creases and saves space."
"The fact it bothers you is a warning sign."
"They had been put away, just not in the way you desire.'
"Your daughter will learn out of necessity one day, probably when she is out on her own."
"But really, the only downside to shoving them in is wrinkling when you want to wear them, which is remedied with an iron, or just not going outside at all due to covid."
"Why does she need unwrinkled clothing right now anyway?"
"I would be very interested in hearing how that mommy blogger's relationship with her children is."
"Most likely, it's in the toilet because of boundary crossings like this."
"A bad role model to learn from."
"Your obsessive need to have everything neat even if you don't see it is a red flag."
"You should see a therapist to see why you need such control over your children's lives or to possibly diagnose something such as OCD."- Jendi2016
"YTA."
"My mom used to do this, and now we have minimum contact."
"Seek mental help before you alienate your kids entirely because there's a difference between expecting a clean space and being an unreasonable control freak."- bshoe1992
"YTA."
"You know who acts like this?"
"Marine Corps Drill Instructors."
"Why?"
"To mentally f*ck with recruits."
"This is not okay within the family unit."
"It's insane that you think it's okay to control how your kids fold their clothes in their drawers."- kalkiki
"YTA."
"You shouldn't even be in your older two children's rooms much, let alone going through their drawers."
"Plus just because they do it differently than you doesn't make the way they put away clothes incorrect."
"What you did was take objectively clean clothes and put them on a dirty floor."
"Your oldest girl was right to go to the aunt for a cooling-off period with you."
"She's in safe hands."
"You have to give your teens some level of independence now for them to be functional adults later."
"Or for them to want any relationship with you."
"Kids that are micromanaged, from what I've seen, really go a bit too wild in college and that not."
"So if you're trying to make everything backfire later, by all means, continue being controlling to this unreasonable degree."- DontRunReds
"Uh, YTA."
"What kind of controlling parent are you?"
"Checking their drawers to make sure they didn't just shove it in there to make it look neat."
"Why do you care?"
"Also your solution: 'Hmm my kid didn't fold their laundry, and I HATE messes so let me dump everything out and make a mess'."
"How is that supposed to achieve your goal?"- ahaha2222
"YTA."
"Your daughter's bf is right."
"Get some therapy to figure out why it's so important for you to control unimportant minutiae before it further damages your relationship with your family."- AppellofmyEye
"YTA for sure."
"It's their space, and tbh I don't see how their drawers being organized bothers you at all."
"So what if they just shove clothes in there?"
"It's their loss for being unorganized, but just let it go."
"I can sort of understand wanting a clean room but really?"
"Going into their space and making a mess?"
"Especially while she is on the phone with her BOYFRIEND."
"How embarrassing."- Ijustwantedguacamole
"YTA and you're not helping her, you're randomly terrorizing her."
"She's 16, and she can decide for herself the amount of organization going on within her drawers."
"Jeesh, children aren't little machines, get over having to have them do everything in the OCD manner you're demanding."-made_you_think
Teaching your children to stop being messy by making a mess is a very interesting parenting style indeed.
Based on the reaction of her daughter, clearly not an effective one.
One only hopes that her daughter's decision to temporarily move out of the house will be enough for the OP to reflect on her behavior, and look for more effective methods of discipline moving forward.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp