It’s nice when parents and guardians are in a position that they’re able to consistently and happy provide for their children.
But that doesn’t mean the parents want to help everyone associated with their kids, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Cookiedough8272 felt torn because she wanted to support her daughter through her menstruation cycles, but not in the way her daughter was.
But after she was criticized by her family, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she handled the situation poorly.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not buying pads for my daughter when she started giving them away at school?”
The OP provided the feminine products her daughter needed.
“Me and my daughter (15) use different pads, mine, the cheaper and thicker ones and hers the expensive, thin and comfortable ones.”
“I would buy for her when she asks, around 2-3 packets a month which is quite heavy for her.”
But then the OP found out what her daughter was doing with them.
“I was told by her form teacher that she had been wrapping pads in colored papers and giving them to her classmates in school.”
“When I confronted her about it, she admitted that she had started to use menstrual cups and gave pads to her classmates who needed them more.”
“While I am fine with her giving away things out of kindness, note that those pads were quite expensive and I only bought them for her, not her classmates, and certainly not 2-3 packets a month that cost us a few meals.”
“I stopped buying pads for her and told her that if she needs she can take my cheap pads – and no more than 3 pieces a day over a week every month.”
The family did not respond well to the OP’s plan.
“My daughter had been blaming me for being controlling her private matters.”
“So recently, with the holidays, I told her to get a job if she really wanted to buy the expensive pads she used to like, I won’t be bothered whether she uses them herself or give them to her classmates.”
“She threw a temper at me again and my husband said I have been punishing her for months already, it is time to stop.”
“My reasoning is that the pads I use are usable enough, there is no need for expensive ones, especially after knowing she had been giving them away.”
“If she wants them she can buy them herself, or she can give away my pads and continue to use her menstrual cup.”
“So AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the daughter was trying to achieve a certain social standing.
“She doesn’t want charity, she wants validation from the people she is giving them to.” – felixisweird
“It would be one thing if she occasionally gave one to a friend who needed one.”
“But when she says ‘Mom, I need more pads’, it’s reasonable to assume that the pads are for her use. To not tell her mom that she had switched to a cup and wasn’t using them herself was deceiving. Because what she really meant was ‘Mom, my FRIENDS need more pads.’”
“I also question if she did this out of a sense of charity, or if she did so as a way of gaining favor with those friends.” – itsazoo2011
“NTA. OP, a lot of people give or are charitable because they know it makes them look good.”
“This can send some people into a personal financial issue when they put the image in front of being real about what they have. I have relatives who act like they can give because it gives them a certain social standing or respect meanwhile their bank accounts are bleeding, or worse, they go bankrupt.”
“This might not be your daughter’s intention, but I feel like a sit-down and a talk to understand why she felt compelled is important.”
“Discuss ‘helping within your means’ and being authentic when helping people and how the opposite is a slippery slope, if my theory above applies to your daughter’s explanation.” – diosmiotio18
Others said the daughter wasn’t grateful for the money the OP spent.
“It’s not THAT great if she’s only willing to give out pads her mother pays for but refuses to get a job and pay for them herself.”
“A few hours can pay for lots of pads and she threw a fit instead. It’s easy to be charitable with other people’s effort and money.” – ohdearitsrichardiii
“It’s not really ‘charity’ when you give somebody else’s stuff away…”
“NTA. The daughter needs this as a learning experience…” – f02f2e6fa0b3
“NTA – A big problem is your daughter not telling you what she was doing. It’s fine to give one away when someone needs one, but three packs a month is way too much. Knowing the price, I definitely agree she should be the one paying.” – official_loli
“NTA – have to try explaining to your daughter that you can afford to spend that much money on other people. And that she’s not just giving away her pads but she’s directly giving away your money which you could spend on other things.”
“Explain that you went without so that she could have the pads but you won’t give up stuff for someone else. Maybe offer a medium such as offering a box of the cheap pads or whatever you can afford.”
“Help her write a letter to the school or local government about period poverty, show that you are willing to engage with her in some way to tackle this problem. But express that unless she’s working, she can’t give away stuff without taking it away from someone else.” – aallan1993
Though her husband did not agree with her punishment, the subReddit agreed the OP was right to stand up for how she was spending her money, and spending it on feminine products that weren’t even being used by her own daughter wasn’t it.