When people form romantic relationships, each partner might take on certain tasks. For example, one might do most of the cooking while another tackles laundry.
One role that's often divided, but controversial, is the task of cruise director of the relationship. That's the person who takes care of the social calendar and gift giving events.
A lot of resentment tends to build up over this role.
A spouse tired of getting stuck being the event coordinator to an opinionated husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Blue_petals568 asked:
"AITA for accepting an invitation on my husband's behalf that I knew he wouldn't like and refusing to cancel it?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband is a busy person, but he's not such a busy person that he can't manage invitations from his family and friends if he wanted to."
"His family and friends act like I'm responsible for his social calendar, which I didn't mind at first because I didn't have anything better to do, but I'm tired of being the one to have to say no to everything and it sucks having to deal with people trying to convince me to come to things when I know they only really care about my husband attending."
"I've tried to get them to go to him directly, but he just sends them back my way or ignores them so they come to me anyway. I've spoken to him multiple times about not wanting to be responsible for 'our' social calendar and he acts like he gets it, but then never responds to invites, so nothing's changed."
"So I've done something that you guys may or may not think is petty. My mother-in-law has asked for us to join monthly family dinners with her side of the family."
"I prefer her side of my husband's family, but my husband is closer to his dad's side so we see them more. He doesn't hate her he's just a lot closer to his dad's side."
"They're in business together, so he can't ignore his dad as easily."
"Usually, I wouldn't accept an invite like this without checking with my husband, but since she asked him first and he ignored her, I decided to accept on his behalf."
"The first dinner is on Sunday which is the day we were also supposed to have dinner with his grandfather on his dad's side, but he never told me that was happening, and neither did anyone else—his dad's side have a horrible habit of just assuming we'll be at something because they've told us."
"Part of me thinks the dinner with his grandfather is a lie because I know he's been avoiding his half-brother like the plague since he keeps asking him for an investment, and his stepsiblings will be there."
"He hasn't seen my MIL in ages, so it would be a bit awkward to go without him since I know she misses him, and I don't want to be the person who has to tell her he chose his grandfather over her."
"My husband told me to cancel, but I don't want to because my mother-in-law was so happy when I said yes. Also, his sister will be there, and I haven't seen her in forever."
"I won't stop him from canceling if he really wants to, but he's turned this situation into a fight because I didn't ask him first, and now I don't want to be the one to cancel."
"He's basically said if we go to the first one, he expects me to tell my mother-in-law this won't be a regular thing, but I think he should be the one to do that since I have no problem having dinner with them regularly."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I accepted a monthly dinner invitation on my husband's behalf. I knew it was an invite he would want me to refuse, but I accepted it without asking him first because it's something I want to do."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Apparently your husband has delegated to you the task of being his Calendar Secretary. He implicitly sent his mother to you when he didn't respond to his mother."
"If he doesn't like how you are handling your duties as his Calendar Secretary, he is free to demote you and reassign those responsibilities." ~ UteLawyer
"NTA, OP. I came here to share this response for your husband."
"Your script is: 'Husband, either I'm in charge of what social invites we accept or reject, or we both are. I'd be so happy if it were both of us!'."
"'But so long as your response to any social invitation is either to ignore it—so they contact me instead—or to send them my way, it appears you have made me your Calendar Secretary by default."
"You obviously don't have to attend these monthly family dinners, but I'm not going to be in charge of organizing conflicting invitations for family dinners I would like to attend. If you want to say no, it's your job to say no.'"
"'MIL says you ignored her, so she contacted me, and I accepted for both of us. If you want to come up with an excuse for not going, call your mom—I'm not going to'." ~ Enough-Process9773
"Nice, but with one change. 'Your son doesn't want to attend. He wants to see his father's family instead'."
"Never lie for him. Never."
"If he wants to be an a**hole, he can wear it. Let him know that if he insists you cancel, you will tell the truth. Every time." ~ Zazzafrazzy
"Agreed. It's his goddamn mother, and he can't talk to her enough to agree or disagree when it comes to plans with her? Is there some kind of backstory like she was abusive to him as a child or what‽‽"
"I can't imagine directing my mother to talk to my spouse because I'm too busy for her. Or not wanting to see her. That's just plain weird." ~ plasticinsanity
"I would just make it clear with MIL that I was happy to attend the monthly dinners, but husband may/may not—talk to him about it. I wouldn't answer for him one way or the other."
"OP should also stop responding for him when people come to her because he ignored them. She should literally just refer them back to her husband and be firm."
"The only time I'd not do this is if OP wants to attend—in which case she should make it clear—she is only responding for herself, not her husband, and they need to talk to him for his reply. And then literally stick to this no matter what." ~ embracing_insanity
"I don't think the issue is the scheduling and need for documenting."
The issue is that the husband doesn't want to deal with saying no and is forcing OP to be the bad guy. He knows he doesn't want to see his mother."
"Instead of telling her no, he wants his wife to do it and have to deal with sad mom. Apparently he was fine agreeing to dinner with his father." ~ PrincessConsuela52
"NTA. Was it petty? Yes. Was it understandable? Also yes. Are you an a**hole? Absolutely not."
"I don't generally agree with being petty with your partner/spouse, but in this case, I can see why you did. You made it clear to his family to ask him, which his mom did and was ignored, and you have talked to him repeatedly about not wanting to manage the social calendar with HIS family—you should not have to be a 'go-between.'"
"I was in your position for years with my husband's family. It was an 'old school' thing where the women managed all the events, invites, passing along information, etc..."
"At first, I went along with it so I didn't rock the boat. But, over time, I really started to resent it."
"My husband and I both have demanding careers, yet I was expected to take on the mental load of all the planning/communication with his family (...and my family...and our friends). If it was a few things here and there, I wouldn't be as bothered, but it was frequent."
"Luckily, my husband understood and, eventually, his family got it. Now, his family will direct things to both of us (which I am totally cool with)."
"There are times when they will ask him alone, or me alone, but that is because it happens organically (e.g., if I am on the phone with my MIL and she tells me something that I know to pass on to my husband)."
"I would have no problem going to visit my in-laws or friends without my husband if he acted like OP's husband. For what it is worth, I visit family/friends without him anyway and would certainly do it to prove a point." ~ Hello_JustSayin
"Your husband doesn't get to have it both ways. If he won't put on his big boy pants and manage his own schedule, he doesn't get to be upset that you arrange playdates with kids he doesn't like that much."
"Next time he complains, remind him that you are not his mother, and he is welcome to handle his own affairs. NTA." ~ PettyLabelleOtheBall
"Since you hate managing your husband's social calendar, stop doing it. They come to you, or he sends them back to you?
"Speak for yourself only. 'I'll be there, but you'll have to ask (husband) about his plans.' You could advise them that if they don't hear back from him, they should consider that a no."
"And this dinner with your in-laws—your husband has not committed to going. You might be going by yourself. Hope that works for you." ~ SummitJunkie7
The OP needs to decide if they want to continue as the family social secretary or resign from the position.
If resigning is the preferred choice, they must stop managing their husband's schedule.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp