When people form romantic relationships, each partner might take on certain tasks. For example, one might do most of the cooking while another tackles laundry.
One role that’s often divided, but controversial, is the task of cruise director of the relationship. That’s the person who takes care of the social calendar and gift giving events.
A lot of resentment tends to build up over this role.
A spouse tired of getting stuck being the event coordinator to an opinionated husband turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Blue_petals568 asked:
“AITA for accepting an invitation on my husband’s behalf that I knew he wouldn’t like and refusing to cancel it?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband is a busy person, but he’s not such a busy person that he can’t manage invitations from his family and friends if he wanted to.”
“His family and friends act like I’m responsible for his social calendar, which I didn’t mind at first because I didn’t have anything better to do, but I’m tired of being the one to have to say no to everything and it sucks having to deal with people trying to convince me to come to things when I know they only really care about my husband attending.”
“I’ve tried to get them to go to him directly, but he just sends them back my way or ignores them so they come to me anyway. I’ve spoken to him multiple times about not wanting to be responsible for ‘our’ social calendar and he acts like he gets it, but then never responds to invites, so nothing’s changed.”
“So I’ve done something that you guys may or may not think is petty. My mother-in-law has asked for us to join monthly family dinners with her side of the family.”
“I prefer her side of my husband’s family, but my husband is closer to his dad’s side so we see them more. He doesn’t hate her he’s just a lot closer to his dad’s side.”
“They’re in business together, so he can’t ignore his dad as easily.”
“Usually, I wouldn’t accept an invite like this without checking with my husband, but since she asked him first and he ignored her, I decided to accept on his behalf.”
“The first dinner is on Sunday which is the day we were also supposed to have dinner with his grandfather on his dad’s side, but he never told me that was happening, and neither did anyone else—his dad’s side have a horrible habit of just assuming we’ll be at something because they’ve told us.”
“Part of me thinks the dinner with his grandfather is a lie because I know he’s been avoiding his half-brother like the plague since he keeps asking him for an investment, and his stepsiblings will be there.”
“He hasn’t seen my MIL in ages, so it would be a bit awkward to go without him since I know she misses him, and I don’t want to be the person who has to tell her he chose his grandfather over her.”
“My husband told me to cancel, but I don’t want to because my mother-in-law was so happy when I said yes. Also, his sister will be there, and I haven’t seen her in forever.”
“I won’t stop him from canceling if he really wants to, but he’s turned this situation into a fight because I didn’t ask him first, and now I don’t want to be the one to cancel.”
“He’s basically said if we go to the first one, he expects me to tell my mother-in-law this won’t be a regular thing, but I think he should be the one to do that since I have no problem having dinner with them regularly.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I accepted a monthly dinner invitation on my husband’s behalf. I knew it was an invite he would want me to refuse, but I accepted it without asking him first because it’s something I want to do.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Apparently your husband has delegated to you the task of being his Calendar Secretary. He implicitly sent his mother to you when he didn’t respond to his mother.”
“If he doesn’t like how you are handling your duties as his Calendar Secretary, he is free to demote you and reassign those responsibilities.” ~ UteLawyer
“NTA, OP. I came here to share this response for your husband.”
“Your script is: ‘Husband, either I’m in charge of what social invites we accept or reject, or we both are. I’d be so happy if it were both of us!’.”
“‘But so long as your response to any social invitation is either to ignore it—so they contact me instead—or to send them my way, it appears you have made me your Calendar Secretary by default.”
“You obviously don’t have to attend these monthly family dinners, but I’m not going to be in charge of organizing conflicting invitations for family dinners I would like to attend. If you want to say no, it’s your job to say no.'”
“‘MIL says you ignored her, so she contacted me, and I accepted for both of us. If you want to come up with an excuse for not going, call your mom—I’m not going to’.” ~ Enough-Process9773
“Nice, but with one change. ‘Your son doesn’t want to attend. He wants to see his father’s family instead’.”
“Never lie for him. Never.”
“If he wants to be an a**hole, he can wear it. Let him know that if he insists you cancel, you will tell the truth. Every time.” ~ Zazzafrazzy
“Agreed. It’s his goddamn mother, and he can’t talk to her enough to agree or disagree when it comes to plans with her? Is there some kind of backstory like she was abusive to him as a child or what‽‽”
“I can’t imagine directing my mother to talk to my spouse because I’m too busy for her. Or not wanting to see her. That’s just plain weird.” ~ plasticinsanity
“I would just make it clear with MIL that I was happy to attend the monthly dinners, but husband may/may not—talk to him about it. I wouldn’t answer for him one way or the other.”
“OP should also stop responding for him when people come to her because he ignored them. She should literally just refer them back to her husband and be firm.”
“The only time I’d not do this is if OP wants to attend—in which case she should make it clear—she is only responding for herself, not her husband, and they need to talk to him for his reply. And then literally stick to this no matter what.” ~ embracing_insanity
“I don’t think the issue is the scheduling and need for documenting.”
The issue is that the husband doesn’t want to deal with saying no and is forcing OP to be the bad guy. He knows he doesn’t want to see his mother.”
“Instead of telling her no, he wants his wife to do it and have to deal with sad mom. Apparently he was fine agreeing to dinner with his father.” ~ PrincessConsuela52
“NTA. Was it petty? Yes. Was it understandable? Also yes. Are you an a**hole? Absolutely not.”
“I don’t generally agree with being petty with your partner/spouse, but in this case, I can see why you did. You made it clear to his family to ask him, which his mom did and was ignored, and you have talked to him repeatedly about not wanting to manage the social calendar with HIS family—you should not have to be a ‘go-between.'”
“I was in your position for years with my husband’s family. It was an ‘old school’ thing where the women managed all the events, invites, passing along information, etc…”
“At first, I went along with it so I didn’t rock the boat. But, over time, I really started to resent it.”
“My husband and I both have demanding careers, yet I was expected to take on the mental load of all the planning/communication with his family (…and my family…and our friends). If it was a few things here and there, I wouldn’t be as bothered, but it was frequent.”
“Luckily, my husband understood and, eventually, his family got it. Now, his family will direct things to both of us (which I am totally cool with).”
“There are times when they will ask him alone, or me alone, but that is because it happens organically (e.g., if I am on the phone with my MIL and she tells me something that I know to pass on to my husband).”
“I would have no problem going to visit my in-laws or friends without my husband if he acted like OP’s husband. For what it is worth, I visit family/friends without him anyway and would certainly do it to prove a point.” ~ Hello_JustSayin
“Your husband doesn’t get to have it both ways. If he won’t put on his big boy pants and manage his own schedule, he doesn’t get to be upset that you arrange playdates with kids he doesn’t like that much.”
“Next time he complains, remind him that you are not his mother, and he is welcome to handle his own affairs. NTA.” ~ PettyLabelleOtheBall
“Since you hate managing your husband’s social calendar, stop doing it. They come to you, or he sends them back to you?
“Speak for yourself only. ‘I’ll be there, but you’ll have to ask (husband) about his plans.’ You could advise them that if they don’t hear back from him, they should consider that a no.”
“And this dinner with your in-laws—your husband has not committed to going. You might be going by yourself. Hope that works for you.” ~ SummitJunkie7
The OP needs to decide if they want to continue as the family social secretary or resign from the position.
If resigning is the preferred choice, they must stop managing their husband’s schedule.