Straits Research estimated the global cosmetic market reached $311.23 billion in 2024. Part of that profit is the popularity of makeup, but it's also the cost of some products.
For example, a single, individual compact of a high end foundation can cost $200.
With the cost for quality makeup being high, it's no wonder a person might be protective of their investment.
An adult child turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a makeup mishap with their mother.
S0yongdori asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my mom use my makeup products?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (19) did my mom's (56) makeup yesterday for fun. She ended up really liking how I was able to cover up her dark spots and asked me what I used. I told her it was a color corrector that I bought in Korea."
"She then asked me to explain it to her, because she 'wanted to use it from now on too'. I went through and explained how each color is meant to 'correct' another (basically just told her I used the peachy color to correct her dark spots)."
"She then says 'I'm going to use it tomorrow before I leave for church in the morning'. I tell her 'PLEASE wake me up and have ME put it on you'."
"I was extremely nervous about this because she has a history of using my makeup without asking me and 99% of the time she uses products incorrectly and damages them. So, I told her I'd rather she not use mine at all but if she insisted, to have me there to make sure she doesn't f*ck up my products that I paid for."
"As I'm going to bed, I consider hiding my color corrector before sleeping so that no matter what she won't use it without my supervision. However, I decide to trust her and go to bed."
"The morning rolls around and I wake up to see her already rummaging through my products in my room. I say 'Did you already use my color corrector?' and she says 'yeah!'."
"I bolt up and look at it and am horrified to find that she's done everything I was scared she'd do. She didn't know how much of the product to use, so she overshot and now there are two humongous craters in the product."
"She also MIXED the two colors that are in the product. The green is supposed to counteract redness and the peach is supposed to counteract dark spots—she mixed both together so now the entire product is just this ugly, muddy mess."
"I asked her why she used it when I explicitly told her 100 times to make sure I was awake and supervising her, and she told me that she tried to wake me up and I didn't respond, so she just went ahead and used it."
"I said, 'if I didn't respond, then you should have PUT IT DOWN! How am I supposed to use this now‽‽' And she told me I was overreacting and to hurry up and give her more of my products before she left."
"I told her to get out of my room and kicked her out. She yelled at me, saying that I was overreacting over nothing and slammed my door on her way out."
"I spent the morning crying in frustration. It's not like she was asleep while I did her makeup with the color corrector, SHE SAW ME USE IT AND LITERALLY HAD ME EXPLAIN IT."
"Never once did I even touch the green colored corrector, so why did she go and mix them‽‽ Not to mention, can't she see the product clearly has the color separated into their own sections?"
"You can SEE from the fact there is no mixing that I've used this product intentionally not mixing the colors…SO WHY WOULD SHE THINK THAT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO MIX THEM‽‽"
"AITA and reacting over nothing?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"Got mad at my mom for using my makeup without permission and kicked her out of my room. I could be the a**hole because it's just makeup, she didn't do it with malicious intent, and she technically did try to wake me up."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She needs to pay you back the cost of everything she ruined (because it sounds like she wouldn't know what to buy to replace it) and unfortunately you're going to have to keep all of your makeup in a bag that stays in your room or somewhere she can't find it."
"It might help to go to the beauty store together and have an employee there explain and demo color correctors for her, and she can buy one for herself with her own money if she likes it. Maybe hearing the proper way to use a product like that from another adult that isn't her daughter would stick a bit better?"
"Either way, she isn't entitled to your belongings that you bought and paid for, and she needs to learn that." ~ ScatterbrainedGenius
"NTA, your mother deliberately broke her word to you and used your stuff, which she had no right to. She basically stole from you, and on top of that she ruined the product and is now responsible for making you whole, i.e. replacing your cosmetics."
"These are basic lessons that young children are able to understand."
"If you live with her: buy a lock box and keep your products in there so she doesn't bust into them in the future; there are even makeup-specific boxes with key locks. And also try to move out as soon as you can."
"If you're just visiting, keep a luggage lock and keep your stuff locked up."
"Either way, when she inevitably gets mad because you locked her out of your stuff, remind her that this is the consequence of her actions. You can't treat her like a trusted adult if she insists on acting like a greedy child." ~ oliviamrow
"As a mom, I would never consider using my daughter's stuff. I have mine, she has hers."
"It's one of the first rules of makeup hygiene—you do NOT SHARE PRODUCTS. I've drilled that into my own daughter's head. That way lies possible cross-infections!"
"I'm sorry this happened to you OP. It's especially hard because as the daughter you have far less power than your mother. So it is super difficult."
"My advice is, if the products are ruined, just give them to your mother, and tell her 'they are yours now, I can't use them'. Ignore any yelling from her, or attempts to diminish your feelings in this regard."
"Just stay as calm as you can. Ask her politely to help cover the cost of replacement. Maybe not 100%, but at least 50%. She's basically bought them. She might yell some. Ignore and stay calm and ask again."
"If she doesn't help, well, there honestly is likely not much you can do, except from this point forward, get a lockbox and don't share with your mom. Consider it a very hard and bitter lesson learned."
"Sorry you had to go through this OP. NTA." ~ busyshrew
"Two things. Never believe your mother again and always lock up your make up. NTA. Tell her she ruined them and make her reimburse you the full cost." ~ Liu1845
"As a mom who is clueless about makeup and has an adult daughter who helps me do makeup sometimes, you're NTA."
"Your mom is a huge one, however."
"Over the years, my daughter has helped me out and used her product on me. Never in a million years would I go into her room and take/use her product."
"She'd also not have to even think of reminding me not to steal/use her stuff, so your mom has already previously been the a**hole."
"And even though I'm pretty clueless, yes, it is obvious not to mix colors like that (and not to gouge them either)."
"She's either really dumb or deliberately messing with your makeup to have made that much of a mess. We know for sure she's very self-involved as well." ~ Lonely_Midnight781
"I'm a male and don't exactly use makeup, but this reason right here—people not caring for yours like it's their own, not respecting what you asked of them—is exactly why I try my hardest not to lend stuff out."
"Because it's very seldom do you find someone who actually treats your stuff the way you treat it and then when you get mad about it, they try to make you out to be the A-Hole." ~ SnowBoarda
"I cringe on your behalf about the mixing colours in the palette and incorrect use. I, too, would be pissed if anyone handled my very expensive makeup that way. I'm fussy over brands."
"Your mum crossed a boundary that you are allowed to have. So for not letting your mum use your makeup, NTA."
"You probably need a clear the air chat as acting out of anger wasn't great either. When doing that, remind your mum it isn't recommended to share makeup for hygiene reasons." ~ dragonetta123
The OP's mother may eventually see their perspective and offer to replace the ruined product. But if they don't, is this a hill the OP wants to die on?
They may be forced to make that decision if mom doesn't come around.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp