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Mom Livid After Son Excludes Her From Wedding Morning Activities So She Wouldn’t Cause Scene

bride getting her hair done for wedding
bfk92/Getty Images

In a perfect world, every parent puts the needs of their child first. They protect their interests over their own.

Unfortunately, we live in reality, not Utopia.

Living with a parent who behaves selfishly—whether due to mental illness, addiction, personality disorder or just being a jerk—puts a lot of responsibility on their offspring.

A newlywed dealing the fallout of trying to manage his mother on his wedding day turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

Anonnonnononon asked:

“AITA for being honest when my dad asked where my mom was on my wedding morning?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“I recently married my beautiful wife ‘Amanda’. She isn’t the biggest fan of my mom and that is probably mutual. Amanda knows I am on her side and here to support any boundaries.”

“She was concerned about how my mom would behave at the wedding and admitted to not wanting to spend any more time with her than absolutely necessary.”

“My mom has super bad ADHD and this is with meds. She also has anxiety and on top of that is spoiled.”

“I ended up going to my mom’s husband ‘Chris’ and asking if he had any thoughts so we could all have a peaceful day and no bridesmaids would need to ‘accidently’ spill anything.”

“At first he didn’t want to help, but he didn’t want my mom to feel embarrassed and gave in. He said it was already going to be a long day for her, so he recommended no pre-wedding festivities and said he would get her out of the rehearsal dinner early, so she had enough time in between.”

“He took her out right after dinner and took her somewhere else.”

“If she acted up we were going to be hurt and she would have been embarrassed, especially if she got wine, but he only cares about her feelings. He took her out of the rehearsal dinner because she could not sit and was starting to climb on the chair, on him, make a sucking noise with her mouth.”

“That’s what she does when she starts getting bored or her meds wear off. He can sometimes get her to chill at home with either a lot of squeezing or roughhousing with her.”

“He did try to get her to sit a couple times, but she was getting that blank look in her eyes, so he took her to reset and then do something fun for her. When she gets like that she is very sensory seeking.”

“She used to be way worse. Before her current husband, no one could soothe her.”

“She was a very angry, mean child according to her family, though I’ve never seen that side of her. As a young adult she was reckless and engaged in a lot of self destructive behavior.”

“I don’t think she does it on purpose, but it kind of doesn’t matter. She just couldn’t be climbing furniture at our wedding.”

“I know at a certain point she can’t help it. Her sister was a super laid-back bride and didn’t care that she was bouncing off sh*t, but that’s just not us.”

“That’s why he had her do a long run in the morning, and then spent one on one time giving her squeezes and stuff. She also needs constant validation and he didn’t want her to get jealous of Amanda.”

“The day of the wedding she was not invited to get ready with the bridal party or have a champagne breakfast. Instead Chris took her to the beach for a long run—get that energy out.”

“Then, he took her to a nice breakfast, home for some one-on-one attention, and let her know he had a special day planned the following day. She got her makeup done at their house and came just in time for the wedding.”

“My stepmom ‘Lexi’ was, however, invited to get ready with the bridal party. I guess she told my dad that my mom wasn’t there, and he asked me about it.”

“I told him the truth that Chris was taking care of her as it would be too long a day for her. I guess he told someone else because my mom found out and was furious.”

“She asked how I could humiliate her and said I’m a sh*tty son. She said I could have said nothing and also accused me of not loving her.”

“She said she knew the truth: We just don’t like her or want her around. Chris also got mad and said he regretted helping me.”

“I felt kind of bad after that encounter and was wondering, AITA?”

The OP summed up their situation. 

“I gave my dad the full answer when I knew it was a sensitive subject.”

“I hurt my mom as she doesn’t want her ex to know that she is basically a child who must be handled.”

“She feels like I chose my dad over her.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Most Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).

“Dude, you have got to learn not to share information between two divorced people. You put yourself squarely in the path of this firestorm.”

“Lexi has a big mouth, and your father should have minded his own damned business, but I’m guessing he just had to point out how his wife was there and ex was not, and that’s some sort of win for him.”

“While not intentional—and I hope you take this as a lesson learned—you’ve tipped into YTA category. Not because of your actions on the day, but for not being able to prevent yourself from sharing information that on some level you knew had the potential to blow up.” ~ ResoluteMuse

“There’s clearly more going on here than ADHD. That said, YTA for throwing stepdad Chris under the bus and exposing mom to unnecessary ridicule from her ex.” ~ mystyz

“Never answer questions from a parent about the other parent, especially when they are exes. It was none of your father’s business where your mother was, and I’d wager good money dear old dad went right straight to your stepmom and told her what you said.”

“And SHE just couldn’t resist telling anyone who would listen that you banished your mom from the pre-wedding festivities. Naturally, someone repeated this to your mother.”

“You didn’t give your age, but it’s definitely time to wake up and smell the coffee… or tea if you prefer. YTA here, but learn from it.”

“If your father or stepmother ever ask you anything about your mom again, tell them quite simply, ‘My relationship with my mother is no longer any of your business, and I won’t be discussing it with you. Please respect this, and don’t ask me about her again.”

“Then get your mom a huge bouquet of her favorite flowers, apologize to her and Chris profusely, explain you were only trying to make the day easier for her, and swear it will never happen again.”

“Give her a couple of months, and maybe even Chris will forgive you. Make sure your bride is by your side and echoes all these sentiments to your mom, or she will get the notion you did it because your bride hates her and didn’t want her around.”

“Which seems partially true, but your marriage is going to be either short-lived or miserable if the women in it don’t agree to be at least civil with each other.” ~ IntroductionPast3342

Some felt everyone sucked (ESH).

“ESH. I get that your mom needed to be managed to make the day as peaceful as possible since it appears she causes drama.”

“Your stepmom also drummed up drama; your dad should’ve minded his business, and you should have kept quiet about the plan.” ~ Left_Adhesiveness_16

“ESH except Chris. Chris was a homie. I’d buy Chris a beer.” ~ ThatGuyMyDude

“ESH—Chris went to all that effort, and you didn’t have the foresight to ask your father and stepmother in advance to keep it to themselves? Really?”

“Also, you didn’t make it clear if your wife’s dislike for your mother is reasonable or not. Lastly, if you were my son and did this to me, I would feel completely humiliated and betrayed.”

“The only person in this story who seems to have been trying to do the right thing and be kind is your mother’s husband, Chris.” ~ Angelblade92

A few decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“Dude, the number one rule is to keep your mouth shut. This is true when talking to the police, in-laws, exes, etc… Shut your trap, but NTA.” ~ Reddit

“And what have we learned? Lexi has a big mouth, Dad still has a bit of an axe to grind with Mom, and you made the right choice in keeping Mom away for the day.”

“Accept the blowback for the sake of having a nice wedding day and for future reference work without accomplices. NTA.” ~ Prize_Diamond_7874

And one person felt there were no a**holes here (NAH).

“I was going to say YTA until I read what his mother’s behaviour is actually like—think toddler on a sugar high. Whether she can control it or not—seems like she needs more help than she’s getting—I can see why it would be a source of stress and embarrassment on the day.”

“NAH, but OP was incredibly stupid to tell his father or anyone else about what the plan was. It also wasn’t sensible to have the stepmother there, however nice she is.”

“It should have been no mothers except the bride’s if you really truly wanted to avoid hurt and conflict. I can see why OP’s mother is hurt.” ~ throwaway-rayray

The OP and his stepfather may have felt the need to protect his mother from herself.

But discretion is the better part of valor.

The objection most people raised concerned the OP’s decision to tell his father about what was going on.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.