Nothing can change the mood of a wedding, for better or worse, more than a toast or speech.
Sometimes, a parent or wedding party member gives a toast so funny and/or touching, that the rest of the guests ride high on it for the rest of the night, and remember their words for the rest of their lives.
Other times, a toast proves so off-putting, that it’s all any of the guests are able to think about for the rest of the night.
Permanently eliminating the celebratory mood.
Redditor Sarahpolemen and her mother had a somewhat strained relationship, sadly owing to a family tragedy.
As a result, the original poster (OP) was a bit nervous about the toast her mother was going to make at her wedding.
And when the moment finally arrived, the OP’s fears proved to be more than well-founded, causing an even further rift between mother and daughter.
Concerned she may not have handled the situation as well as she could have, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for resenting my dead sister all my life?”
The OP explained how her mother’s wedding toast was a speech she will never forget, and not in a good way.
“For context, I, 38 female, got engaged to my now husband last June.”
“My mother has never supported me and was indifferent to the proposal, which I had no problem with.”
“At my wedding, my husband’s parents made a beautiful speech that brought me and my husband to tears.”
“When my father and mother got onto the platform my heart sunk as I had the understanding this speech would have nothing to do with me or my relationship.”
“My mother and my older sister had been in a car accident when I was 12 and my sister had not made it.”
“It was heartbreaking. My mother, my father, and I have grieved ever since that day, and I will never forget my beautiful sister Adelaide and her beautiful smile.”
“My mother had it the worst of us and separated herself from me and my father ever since, and our relationship has been in shambles.”
“She constantly makes every day, even MY birthday, about Adelaide which always annoyed me slightly but I always rubbed it off as I wanted to be a good daughter.”
“But my wedding day was the last straw.”
“When she got to the top of the platform, she proceeded to take the mic from my dad and make a speech about how her one wish in life was to see Adelaide get married and live a beautiful life.”
“She went on about her grieving process and healing journey at a yoga retreat, not once mentioning my name or my financé’s.”
“She spoke for about 5 minutes and then in tears ended the speech with ‘now my Sarah gets to live the life Adelaide deserved but was taken away from too soon’.”
“I was absolutely furious, but I did not want to ruin the day or let her get the best of me, so I didn’t make a scene, but I did not clap either, and nor did my fiancé.”
“After the wedding, I did not approach her or even speak to her for weeks. I figured she understood why but yesterday evening, she came to me and my fiancé’s apartment demanding answers.”
“I laughed in her face and told her she should know that speech was not acceptable at my wedding, and I wish for her to apologize. She refused, so I just shut the door.”
“My phone is blowing up with calls from both sides of my family.”
“My fiancé’s family completely supports me, but most of my family is, in their words, disgusted by my actions.”
“Am I the a**hole.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for being hurt and offended by her mother’s wedding toast.
While everyone sympathized with the grief of the OP’s mother, they also agreed that her speech was inappropriate and way out of line and seemed to clearly indicate that she neglected the OP for most of her life.
“I don’t think your angry at your sister. After all, she definitely didn’t mean to die.”
“Your mum definitely needs to see a therapist because it’s not normal to act like this for so long.”
“Congrats on your wedding, and I’m sorry for the loss of your sister.”- leavers2021
“It has been 26 years since the accident, but clearly, your mother has not processed her grief properly.”
“But as her daughter, who was actually involved in the accident too, it is not your job to make her heal or make her feel better.”
“Your family, who is taking her side in this, is not helping at all.”
“Maybe it’s time to take a step away from them (LC or NC) so that you can focus on yourself and your marriage first without having to constantly apologize for living your life.”
“Despite what your mother thinks, YOU deserve your life.”
“And congratulations on your marriage.”
“Seems like your in-laws have your back, which is a very good thing.”- Dorkhette
“‘This was the only day in my life I wanted to have my family here for me, not getting to hear about how I stole the life my dead sister should have had.'”
“‘I’m disgusted that you don’t think hearing on my birthday every year how me being alive just makes my mother think of the life my sister should have had is enough.'”
“‘That every holiday I hear about how my sister would have smiled about this, or do that- I have lived my entire life in the shadow of someone who is gone, and she ruined the one day I wanted to be celebrated, without being blamed for being alive.'”
“‘I’ve had enough of all of you, and I think this will be the last time we speak if you don’t understand why I am deeply hurt by her actions.'”
“‘I’ve had enough’.”
“And if they say anything else that starts with your mom’s defense, stop reading and block them.”
“You deserve to stand in the light of your own life.”- Kaizanna1
“She literally implied that your dead sister deserved to have your life and, by extension, that you should’ve been the one who died.”
“And on your WEDDING DAY.”
“I’m glad your husband’s family is supportive. Your MIL is your mom now.”- stephapeaz
“Tell her because of her behavior, now she has lost two daughters.”
“Drive the point home.”- C_Port_Sissabagamah
“What she said at your wedding was already beyond the pale despite her grief, but the relatives hassling you now haven’t had to live with your mother turning everything into this and can’t appreciate that your mother’s speech was the last straw.”
“Your mother has gone down a really dark path where she has to look at all of your milestones as something somehow taken from your sister rather than celebrating you separate from her grief.”
“She has gone wrong, and it is hurting you.”
“You don’t have to suck it up and allow her to destroy every event in your life because you are still here and your sister isn’t.”
“Your mother has latched onto you in this way very unfairly.”
“She may be doing it irrationally, but that doesn’t excuse it or make it any less destructive or hurtful.”
“If you do resent your sister, try to let that go so you can remember her in a way that isn’t associated with the way your mother’s distorted grief has tainted things.”
“Those two things should be separate too.”- kurokomainu
“Mom needs therapy.”
“I would go NC until she gets help.”
“I’m sorry for the loss of your sister, and congratulations on your marriage.”- Serious-Currency108
“NTA, and I’m so sorry for everything you’ve experienced.”
“You’ve been living in the shadow of not just your lost sister but your parents’ obvious favorite child.”
“It’s a competition you never agreed to or wanted.”
“It’s your time to shine, and if your parents aren’t willing to give you the spotlight, then they need to leave the damn show.”
“I highly encourage you to go low contact until they can get their sh*t together.”
“And I even more strongly encourage you to get some therapy to start untangling all the trauma you’ve experienced over the years.”
“You deserve happiness.”- Impossible_Zebra8664
Losing a child is a tragedy no one should have to endure.
Even so, the OP’s mother seemed to forget that she had another daughter who needed her love and attention every bit as much as the dearly departed Adelaide.
Perhaps through the OP’s decision to cut ties with her mother, Mom might get a sense of how neglected and ignored the OP felt after Adelaide’s death.