We all like some things done a certain way.
While some people might raise an eyebrow at how we do things, we don't usually bat an eye.
Nor do we necessarily look down on those who do things differently.
Things get murky when someone adjusts or tampers with how we do things without consulting us first.
Redditor chlomonkee and her boyfriend recently took a mini-break, and the mother of the original poster (OP)'s boyfriend stayed in their house while they were away.
To the OP's surprise, their house wasn't quite the same when they returned.
Even more surprising to the OP, her boyfriend didn't seem remotely fazed by it.
Unsure how to process the situation, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for getting upset about my boyfriend’s mom rearranging the house while we were away? And then boyfriend got upset at me for being upset?"
The OP explained why she had a somewhat perplexing homecoming following a recent trip with her boyfriend:
"My bf (37 M[ale]) and I (29 F[emale]) were away for a few days and his parents were getting their floor redone so they stayed at my boyfriend’s place. I moved in with him about a year ago."
"I was thrown off when my bf’s parents called saying they were still at our house and were gonna stay another night despite the fact that they were supposed to go for a mini vacation while their floors were done."
"We have a guest apartment above the garage that’s fully equipped with a kitchen/living room/ beds/bathroom but they chose to stay in the room in our small house that serves as a storage space w two twin beds."
"So sharing one bathroom and everything else."
"While away, his mom moved our stuff around, got rid of things (a calendar from 2021 that was an inside joke that we kept hanging for fun) and my bf didn’t stand up for himself/us and also just seemed unbothered."
"He’s 37 and he is very close with his parents, they live about 20 min away and we are in a somewhat rural area so he spends a lot of time with them, more than he spends with friends."
"I moved here to be with him from a massive city, so I have a hard time understanding this relationship."
"But I did bring this issue up to him after they left."
"I explained that I was thrown off by her moving stuff cuz even if she wants to help, I feel like it is overstepping."
"He has clutter, and if anything, I feel like that’s something for us to work through together, not his mom."
"He was just as thrown off by me, even being concerned by this."
"He said she didn’t move anything important and she was just trying to help."
"He got defensive and said, 'I feel like you’re telling me I have mommy issues, ' which then threw me off even more."
"I was like wait like no i never even hinted at that."
"Idk if I really did make a big deal out of nothing?"
"Am I too protective of junk around the house?"
"Sort of questioning everything and like actually, AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP had every right to be concerned.
Nearly everyone agreed that the fact that the OP's boyfriend was so easily triggered by her remarks was definitely cause for concern, with many urging the OP to even consider whether staying in this relationship was a good idea:
"I have a feeling he brought up Mommy Issues because he has been told that before."
"It doesn’t seem like he gets that you are supposed to be independent adults that can arrange things on their own and purposefully put things where you can find and use them because they don’t need mommy to do things for them."
"NTA."- Helpful-Science-3937
"NTA."
"You have a bf problem."
"And he does have a mommy (and daddy) problem."- CatsMom4Ever
"NTA."
"That was a huge overstep and completely inappropriate."
"He's practically 40, his mom shouldn't be tidying up for him."
"Additionally, you are your own person, and your autonomy and boundaries are important."
"His mom shouldn't be making decisions about YOUR things."
"It's cliché, but you have a boyfriend problem, and this needs to be addressed assertively by you, and he needs to handle his mom and mommy issues."
"Tbh, this would be a huge red flag to me."- willfauxreal
"A boy 8 years older than you who defends his mommy when she violates obvious boundaries is not someone you should stay with."
"YTA if you stay."- fIumpf
"That he went to ‘mommy issues’ completely unprompted is telling."
"He has had others tell him they’re uncomfortable with the dynamic with his mother."
"You’re not the first one, just another of which I suspect will always be a never-ending stream of women who grow weary of what everyone here can see from a mile away is an unhealthy attachment."
"I can’t imagine a scenario where my mother would have made changes to the kitchen I shared with my wife, not her mother either."
"That is a level of ‘comfort’ that is pretty f*cking intimate if you ask me."
"Making household decisions about decor, arrangements, etc. is the domain of intimate partners or roommates; she is neither… hopefully."- Nearly_Pointless
"I think it's really telling that you referred to it as his place."
"You are clearly still a guest and not an equal partner."
"NTAH but I'd be taking a real close look at this whole situation."- W0nderingMe
"The way he himself brought up mommy issues unprompted is telling."
"To me, it indicates that someone's told him he has mommy issues before, and that someone was likely a previous partner."
"NTA."
"Your boyfriend has mommy issues."- Artshildr
"NTAH."
"He does have mommy issues, if he doesn't see how much she overstepped."
"The fact that he is defending her, getting angry at you, protecting his mommy's feelings over yours, not even trying to see your side."
"Honey, he's a huge walking red flag!"- Character-Tennis-241
"He definitely has mommy issues, and the way he brought it up means someone has told him this before."
"Tell him he needs to set boundaries with his parents if he wants your relationship to work because you absolutely cannot have them coming into your home and moving all your stuff around."
"It's out of line."- winterworld561
"ESH."
"I was leaning towards your not being the ahole but as I read through your post, there were some things that suggest that there might be some more complicated things at work:"
"A) you refer to your home where you’ve lived for a year as 'his place'. Not ours."
"B) You imply that being close to one’s parents is inherently a rural thing and not something people in major urban centers do
"In combo it makes me wonder if there might be some…tension…around you having at least a preference for city living (or outright think it superior to rural living in some ways)."
"There also seem to be some tensions around the appropriate role for family."
"His parents not making room for the fact that’s now also your home and there might need to be some changes to standard operating procedure in light of that sucks."
"But… it also sounds like you haven’t made much effort to integrate into your new community, which doesn’t leave a lot of room for them to get to know you."- bears184
"NTA."
"He truly is Mama’s boy."
"This is not the first time it came up, he was being defensive."
"It is very disrespectful to rearrange someone's house no matter who you are."
"This will not change."
"Mommy will always be number 1 in his life."- DanaMarie75038
"Dude, he's like 8 years older."
"This is very common with older guys; he'll listen to his mom and defend her every move."
"He will prioritize her happiness over yours."
"Sit him down and make your boundaries clear."
"If he isn't ready to respect them FULLY, let him live with his mom forever."- No-Mathematician8692
No one should be judged for having a close relationship with their parents.
When someone turns a blind eye to everything their parents do, especially when they inconvenience others, things become a bit more complicated.
As others pointed out, the fact that the OP still considers her current living situation "his place" suggests she hasn't found her forever home yet, and perhaps she should keep looking...
