A dad-to-be chose a very special name for his unborn that paid tribute to his late mother.
While many would believe honoring a loved one in this manner is admirable, it didn’t apply here
After being confronted by his decision that was strongly opposed, the dad-to-be visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online for causing family tension.
There, Redditor Known_Marketing6374 asked:
“AITA for telling my dad his grief doesn’t get to dictate the name my wife and I chose for our children?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My dad and I (28 m[ale]) have a complicated relationship. He was divorced from my mom when I was only a baby and she died when I was very young (5).”
“He was already remarried and had another child when my mom passed away and I think he expected with time that I would forget about my mom entirely and assimilate into his new family like they were the only one.”
“There was also a big effort to ignore my grief and to expect me to move on like nothing happened. The only time this was ever truly mentioned was when I was 13 and he sat me down and asked me to ask his wife if she’d adopt me.”
The OP continued:
“He told me she wanted to adopt me but didn’t want me to get angry at her for asking because I still had a photo of my mom in my bedroom and I talked about her still.”
“During that little talk he made a point of saying his wife had raised me far longer and had done everything a real mother should, so it was time for me to acknowledge her in that role and position in my life and make it official.”
“When I said no he threw a little tantrum, stomping his foot and pouting before he left the room and he never mentioned it again. But that strain could be felt.”
“His wife died 3.5 years ago. I was engaged to my wife at the time and we were planning our wedding. 6 months after her death dad asked how I could move forward with the wedding planning. I told him I still wanted to get married. He said he couldn’t understand it and he thought the wedding would be delayed for years. I told him that wasn’t happening.”
Tensions resurfaced with a new development in the OP’s life.
“He never said anything about it again but I now know he held it all in. And now it has come to the surface again. My wife is pregnant with our first child, our daughter, and we have agreed to name her after my mom.”
“My wife wanted a nature name and my mom had a nature name so it worked perfectly for us. We haven’t announced this yet. During a family dinner with my side one of my siblings asked if we had a name yet. I said maybe.”
“We weren’t saying for sure until she was here. My dad said we all know the baby will be named after his late wife and there’s no point in hiding it. I told him he didn’t know that at all. He lost his temper and told me if I had any respect for our family that is exactly what I’d do.”
“He told me he’s grieving, my siblings are grieving and I should take that into consideration. I told him that has nothing to do with what we name our child.”
“He wanted to talk 1:1 and I agreed to do so. He told me if I’m hiding the name like that then I must be naming my daughter after someone else, likely ‘that woman’ and how I was inconsiderate to consider such a thing when his wife had raised me and his wife had died in the last four years.”
“He told me a good son would take this into consideration and honor the woman his father loved, the woman who raised him as her very own. I told him his grief does not get to dictate the name my wife and I choose for our child.”
“I told him my grief didn’t seem to matter when I was 5 so why was I supposed to put his adult grief first now? I told him there was going to be no more talking about baby names because it was none of his business.”
“He has since accused me of invalidating his grief and being insensitive to it.”
AITA?
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA he never respected your grief so now you don’t respect his grief either and unlike him, he doesn’t deserve any respect… What a great twist.” – Accomplished_Mud1658
“NTA, your father is extremely self-centered and doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings but his own. I highly suggest you distance yourself from him.” – Nervous-Commission90
“NTA, if someone called my mother ‘that woman’ I would’ve lost my f’king sh*t. If I were you, I’d limit contact during your wife’s pregnancy and while the baby is young, he definitely doesn’t seem stable or like he’d handle the name of your baby well.” – True-Device8691
“Your Dad needs counselling – NTA. He’s showing no understanding towards you at all yet is demanding a higher level of understanding that he gave you. He’s obviously not thinking clearly and is too wrapped up in himself.” – Broad-Ad-3300
“You reminding your dad of how he treated you while you were grieving is brilliant OP. He’s still grieving four years later and expected you to put your life on hold (your wedding) for his grief but he didn’t allow you the same – he just forced a new mom on you and got mad when you didn’t accept that.”
“He’s got some issues he needs to work through, and I think the fact that he’ll have to hear your bio mom’s name for the rest of his life is punishment enough. NTA.” – sjyffl
“NTA I would’ve told him, ‘Any good Father takes into account his child’s feelings & puts their child’s feelings first. When I lost my Mom, I had to put your feelings and your Wife’s feelings above my grief. Now I’m supposed to put my feelings on hold again for your grief? How did I end up with such a narcissistic Father?’ ”
“I think it may be best to cut your Dad out of your life. The guilt-tripping, gaslighting and manipulation will only get worse.” – Bonnm42
“NTA. Wouldn’t your half siblings think it was weird that you’d name your baby after their mum? Even if they were having kids it’s still too soon for anything other than a middle name to honour her.”
“Your dad is totally out of line. Just remove him from your life until he decides to contact you and apologise. I know that grief is very personal but after 4 years he should be a little more functional than this. The world stopped for him when his wife died but you had your wedding to plan and I bet he wasn’t going to help you reimburse unrefundable deposits.” – ComparisonFlashy8522
“NTA, but his animosity towards your mom is appalling. It doesn’t matter what happened between them that lead to divorce or that she died she’s still your mother, and not wanting to erase her is completely natural.” – mygluvrdra
“NTA.”
“And than you get snarky comments from the ‘real’ children, that you ‘stole’ the name of THEIR mother. I think this is a quite diplomatic way to phrase it. You give your daughter a different name so her children can honor her if they get children.” – Bastet79
“NTA. His grief is just that,HIS. He is the only one who can work through it. He does not get to dictate how you feel/felt about his wife. I’m sure you appreciate all that she did for you, but that does not mean you have to name your child after her. Parents get to choose the names for their children.” – Which_Stress_6431
“Your dad needs some serious help. This is not his call. Congratulations on your baby girl! Hopefully, your dad will get on board with her name once she’s here. If not, he risks having a relationship with not only her, but you as well. Best of luck.” – SpecialProfile2697
“I’m coming at you here understanding your father’s grief as I’m a widower too, and all I can say is… NTA, get that man some f’king help. He is so utterly lost and blinded by grief. This is an insane position for him to have and the fact he doesn’t see that is a sign of how much he needs help.” – NaziTrucksF’kOff
Everyone grieves differently, but when it leads to hostility and resentment towards others, that’s a problem that needs addressing.
While Redditors sided with the OP overall, many thought the memory of his late mother being constantly invalidated in this manner was demeaning and insensitive.
If the OP’s father is to have any involvement in his grandchild’s life, Redditors thought that the help of a professional for healing and understanding was crucially needed. Otherwise, the general consensus was that it might be best for the OP to cut ties with his father if he doesn’t change.