Bad experiences from our past cannot help but impact our present and future. But how much of an impact they have can sometimes be mitigated by the person being affected.
But do other people have the right to decide what and when a person forgives and forgets?
Redditor terribrunt is a 28-year-old mom who was accused by family members of alienating her grandmother–whom she does not trust due to an upsetting memory.
She turned to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for not allowing my grandmother around my baby because of something she lied about when I was 15?”
The OP explained:
“I’m currently 28, female. I am married with 3 kids (4yo twin boys, 3 month old girl). My grandmother is 71.”
“Back when I was 15 my mom had a set of twins (bou and girl). She was put on bed rest because the C-Section she had went wrong and she lost alot of blood.”
“Where she needed help and I went to school full time, she invited my grandmother in to our home (free of cost) to help her out.”
“At some point or another my mom had threatened to kick her out because every morning my mom would check on the twins to find my brother ‘missing’. My gram (who is extremely overweight) had been taking my brother from his crib and was sleeping with him on her chest on the couch.”
“My mom told her multiple times to stop and she refused so my mom threatened to kick her out. My grandmothers way of retaliating was to tell my mother (who had extreme Postpartum Depression) that my sister (2 months old at the time) rolled off the bed and fell onto the tile floors (this never happened).”
“This obviously caused extreme panic on my moms end, which made her spiral because she was already suffering from the postpartum.”
“Because of this, I don’t want my grandmother anywhere near my baby. I lived out of state when my twins were born so she didn’t see them until they were 2 years old and she was never allowed around them alone.”
“However, now that I live in the states and have a baby, she has been harping on me to let her meet my daughter. I kept telling her no, but gave no reason up until last night.”
“Where I reminded her that where I witnessed her causing my mom unnecessary panic, I would not be allowing her near my child because I’m not going to chance her doing the same thing with me.”
“My grandmother lost it and really tried saying that that scenario never happened and that we made it all up to make her look bad. A lot of the family has also sided with her (she told everyone) and says that I need to ‘let sh*t go’ and ‘stop living in the past'”.
“I have been told that I am alienating my grandmother and that I am going to destroy her by not letting her build a bond with my child. AITA?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors came to the OP’s defense and said she was NTA.
“NTA but u should ask her which it is, are you making it up, or are you living in the past? Tell her to pick one and stfu about it, you don’t need that drama in your life….” – UnLuckyKenTucky
“This was my thought too. She not even a good liar, going from ‘you’re making this up to hurt me’ to ‘you need to let things go and not live in the past’ is a huge leap. I think it further proves she shouldn’t be around your children.” – throwaway61419
“I think it’s more of a bounce between ‘This never happened’ and ‘This maybe happened a little bit, but you’re blowing this way out of proportion than it really is.'”
“That way, the grandmother can argue both ways and cause a heck lot of unnecessary headaches.”
“NTA, OP.” – HangryRadishA
“The fact that she wont admit that she did that to her daughter means she isnt willing to take responsibility for her actions. Shes still trying to manipulate people and its unacceptable behavior. NTA.” – DenniPenni
“I mean, she might not be doing it on purpose.”
“My mom is that age, and she legit doesn’t remember little things from my childhood anymore.”
“It was probably such an inconsequential lie to her that her memory didn’t even bother filing it away, unlike the effect that it had on OP and OP’s mom.”
“That said, that’s probably even more of a sign to keep this woman away from the grandbabies. If telling destructive lies is such a part of her personality that she casually did it and didn’t bother remembering it, that’s not a good sign for future interactions either.
311.” – Jormungandragon
“NTA. That is a HUGE breach of trust and the fact that you ‘can’t let the past go’ isn’t evidence of you needing to ‘grow up’ its evidence that your Grandmother messed up so badly, you are still dealing with this 13 years later.”
“My wife and I have no end of toxic family on both sides and fully support each other and anyone when its necessary to go no-contact. Contrary to what everyone says, you CAN choose family.” – attemptednotknown
“This is an excellent example of OP following the advice of Maya Angelou, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST time.'”
“She’s done right by herself and her children by believing her grandmother the first time. NTA.” – I_Have_Questions95
Overall, Redditors said that the OP’s grandmother appeared to be someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for her own actions, which further indicated she can’t be trusted around the new baby.