While we can all understand that having children will cause a ripple of changes in someone's life, sometimes we underestimate just how much it will change our relationship with work.
Mothers especially receive pressure to decide whether they will go back to work, be a stay-at-home mom, or some combination of the two, and there really is no 'right' answer, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Gilmoregirl0806 was excited and nervous to go back to her legal practice after having a baby, and her sister-in-law's comments about going back to work were not helping.
But when her sister-in-law started making comments about her work would impact her daughter's quality of life, the Original Poster (OP) pointed out that being a stay-at-home mom would not work for everyone.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my sister-in-law that I wouldn't want to sit at home and change diapers all day?"
The OP and her sister-in-law chose different paths after becoming mothers.
"I (31 Female) am a new mother to a baby girl. I'm going back to work next week."
"I am stressed and exhausted, but I also love being a mom and am excited to get back to the office."
"My sister-in-law (SIL) (35 Female) also had a girl about a year before me. She decided she was not going to return to work and would instead be a full-time mom."
The OP's SIL was blunt about her opinion of the OP going back to work.
"On Saturday, we were at my in-laws' house for dinner. I was telling my mother-in-law (MIL) about going back to work and the daycare we were going to send our daughter."
"My SIL (who's always seemed a bit threatened by me) interrupted me and opined that she can't believe I'm putting my daughter in daycare when she's so young."
"She then said her baby 'has a charmed life' because she gets to nap in her crib in the afternoon and have her mom around."
"I was starting to get annoyed by her comments, but I brushed it off and said, 'You're a great mom.'"
But the OP's sister-in-law refused to let the subject go.
"The conversation moved on, but all of a sudden, she randomly said she'd never want to do my job (as a lawyer) because all we do is stress and fight all day."
"I just looked at her and said, 'I understand. We all have different preferences. I wouldn't want to sit home and change diapers all day.'"
"The table got quiet and we didn't really speak the rest of the evening."
"My husband thinks his sister was being rude but that I should be the bigger person and apologize. He thinks I 'stooped to her level' and gave her a reaction, which she was looking for."
"I do feel like I reacted poorly and embarrassed my husband."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA and did not need to apologize.
"NTA. And I don't see where an apology is owed. She asserted her opinion without being asked, and therefore, you asserted yours."
"Is she going to apologize for telling you her opinion about your job? Because if not, then why would you owe her one?" - judgingA-holes
"NTA. I usually say everybody sucks when people are rude, but I don't think you were rude. You were expressing your opinion/preferences just as she was expressing hers."
"I would give a non-apology along the lines of, 'Bless your heart, honey, I didn't mean to be rude. I was just expressing how much I love my job after you described it as just a bunch of people arguing. Sorry you took it the wrong way.'" - Hey-Just-Saying
"NTA. No apology is necessary. Just because the SIL got her nose bent out of shape for OP's comment after she was rude first doesn't mean further action is needed. All the apology would do is reinforce in the SIL's mind that OP was wrong." - canonrobin
"The only reason OP 'owes' her SIL an apology is because SIL is berating everyone around her and no one wants to deal with her. They understand that a mere 'apology' will silence the SIL. NTA." - Holiday_Ad_4125
"If OP had sat at that table and said, 'Wow. I would NEVER want to be a SAHM because all they do is clean and look after kids all day,' in a condescending tone, you could bet your sweet a** the SIL would have been sent into a tizzy."
"The fact of the matter is, the SIL's 'job' is technically being a SAHM, while OP's is a lawyer. SIL chose to negatively criticize, stereotype, and minimize OP's job, randomly and without any provocation."
"All OP did was meet SIL where she was at. SIL set the tone, and OP matched it (and much more gracefully and classy, might I add)."
"Apologizing for doing nothing other than defending herself and her career, after what was clearly an attempt to passive-aggressively attack her, would be like apologizing to a bully for not letting them hit you."
"Her husband needs to learn how to 1. Back his wife 2. Realize his sister is a giant a**hole 3. Stop enabling her bullying. 4. Identify who the victim is vs. the aggressor."
"He wants peace, which is nice and all, except he wants it at his wife's expense. Not cool dude. Not. Cool." - CatmoCatmo
"I get that the norm in his family has previously been to placate his sister in order to avoid rocking the boat, BUT he has chosen to start a family of his own now, so it is time to put them first."
"Motherhood is NOT a competition, and those mothers who try to turn it into one are truly awful human beings. I feel like OP showed an amazing amount of restraint given that her SIL kept coming at her and her husband did NOTHING to try to stop his sister."
"The fact that he now expects OP to apologize is appalling." - PurplePufferPea
Others agreed that the sister-in-law was the real instigator here.
"Why is it that the person being bullied in the first place has to 'be the bigger person?' Why is the bully never held accountable for their s**tty behavior?"
"NTA." - GoblinKing79
"It seems like the SIL is insecure... She doesn't get to b***h at you because your success is making her rethink her life choices."
"She sowed what she reaped and you were d**n civil about it too. I wouldn't have been. I can never keep my mouth shut at this kinda passive aggressive bulls**T. NTA very much." - 2days2morrow
"NTA. The sister-in-law was basically telling the OP that her choices were detrimental to her baby's well-being. Because that's what 'she can't believe I'm putting my daughter in daycare when she's so young' means, followed by the sister-in-law implying that her child will be better off with access to mommy 24/7."
"Women are just expected to put up with this kind of judgmental gender role policing all the time, and yes, it does cause harm." - lecorbeauamelasse
"OP didn't even say anything the first time SIL poked at her. Or the third. But you poke at people long enough, they're gonna snap at you."
"No one else in that family pointed out how the SIL was trying for a reaction. Then she got one, and we're supposed to feel sorry for her, and the OP is supposed to apologize?"
"No, the OP is NTA and doesn't have to be any sort of bigger person. Her SIL should learn to shut her trap." - christmasshopper0109
"If you can dish it out, you should be able to take it, as well. I'm a very direct person, but if someone disagrees with me, my lifestyle, or my choices, I will never be offended, because otherwise, it would be a one-way street, and that's not the purpose of communication." - DismalSoil9554
"OP said literally nothing impolite or rude. She acknowledged their difference of opinion and just said she wouldn't want to do what SIL does. There's nothing rude about that at all."
"If SIL got offended, that's SIL's problem and she needs to learn what an opinion is (especially if she's constantly throwing hers around unprompted)." - Unfair_Connection646
"The OP said, 'My husband thinks his sister was being rude but that I should be the bigger person and apologize.'"
"Um, how about YOUR HUSBAND speak to his sister and say something like, 'I support the decisions my wife makes for our family. We've BOTH put a lot of thought into this path and agree it's the best for all of us. Oh, and by the way, you are denigrating a lot of women who don't have much of a choice but to choose daycare. Women aren't bad mothers for not being full-time caretakers.'" - Short-Homework4550
"NTA. Working moms and stay-at-home moms need to be lifting each other up, not making snarky comments on how one is better than the other."
"I had to go back to work. My sister-in-law was able to stay home until their kiddos started school. We babysat for each other. We helped each other. We both raised healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids into adulthood." - Imaginary-Yak-6487
The subReddit reassured the OP not only that she did not need to apologize for what she had said but that her sister-in-law and everyone who was backing her up, especially the husband, should have been apologizing to the OP instead for the comments she had endured.
There are many different ways to parent, and different approaches will be right for different families.
The OP's sister-in-law insinuating that the OP was not prioritizing motherhood enough was just as bad, if not worse, than if the OP had suggested her sister-in-law was lazy by not going back to work.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp