While we can all understand that having children will cause a ripple of changes in someone’s life, sometimes we underestimate just how much it will change our relationship with work.
Mothers especially receive pressure to decide whether they will go back to work, be a stay-at-home mom, or some combination of the two, and there really is no ‘right’ answer, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Gilmoregirl0806 was excited and nervous to go back to her legal practice after having a baby, and her sister-in-law’s comments about going back to work were not helping.
But when her sister-in-law started making comments about her work would impact her daughter’s quality of life, the Original Poster (OP) pointed out that being a stay-at-home mom would not work for everyone.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my sister-in-law that I wouldn’t want to sit at home and change diapers all day?”
The OP and her sister-in-law chose different paths after becoming mothers.
“I (31 Female) am a new mother to a baby girl. I’m going back to work next week.”
“I am stressed and exhausted, but I also love being a mom and am excited to get back to the office.”
“My sister-in-law (SIL) (35 Female) also had a girl about a year before me. She decided she was not going to return to work and would instead be a full-time mom.”
The OP’s SIL was blunt about her opinion of the OP going back to work.
“On Saturday, we were at my in-laws’ house for dinner. I was telling my mother-in-law (MIL) about going back to work and the daycare we were going to send our daughter.”
“My SIL (who’s always seemed a bit threatened by me) interrupted me and opined that she can’t believe I’m putting my daughter in daycare when she’s so young.”
“She then said her baby ‘has a charmed life’ because she gets to nap in her crib in the afternoon and have her mom around.”
“I was starting to get annoyed by her comments, but I brushed it off and said, ‘You’re a great mom.'”
But the OP’s sister-in-law refused to let the subject go.
“The conversation moved on, but all of a sudden, she randomly said she’d never want to do my job (as a lawyer) because all we do is stress and fight all day.”
“I just looked at her and said, ‘I understand. We all have different preferences. I wouldn’t want to sit home and change diapers all day.'”
“The table got quiet and we didn’t really speak the rest of the evening.”
“My husband thinks his sister was being rude but that I should be the bigger person and apologize. He thinks I ‘stooped to her level’ and gave her a reaction, which she was looking for.”
“I do feel like I reacted poorly and embarrassed my husband.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA and did not need to apologize.
“NTA. And I don’t see where an apology is owed. She asserted her opinion without being asked, and therefore, you asserted yours.”
“Is she going to apologize for telling you her opinion about your job? Because if not, then why would you owe her one?” – judgingA-holes
“NTA. I usually say everybody sucks when people are rude, but I don’t think you were rude. You were expressing your opinion/preferences just as she was expressing hers.”
“I would give a non-apology along the lines of, ‘Bless your heart, honey, I didn’t mean to be rude. I was just expressing how much I love my job after you described it as just a bunch of people arguing. Sorry you took it the wrong way.'” – Hey-Just-Saying
“NTA. No apology is necessary. Just because the SIL got her nose bent out of shape for OP’s comment after she was rude first doesn’t mean further action is needed. All the apology would do is reinforce in the SIL’s mind that OP was wrong.” – canonrobin
“The only reason OP ‘owes’ her SIL an apology is because SIL is berating everyone around her and no one wants to deal with her. They understand that a mere ‘apology’ will silence the SIL. NTA.” – Holiday_Ad_4125
“If OP had sat at that table and said, ‘Wow. I would NEVER want to be a SAHM because all they do is clean and look after kids all day,’ in a condescending tone, you could bet your sweet a** the SIL would have been sent into a tizzy.”
“The fact of the matter is, the SIL’s ‘job’ is technically being a SAHM, while OP’s is a lawyer. SIL chose to negatively criticize, stereotype, and minimize OP’s job, randomly and without any provocation.”
“All OP did was meet SIL where she was at. SIL set the tone, and OP matched it (and much more gracefully and classy, might I add).”
“Apologizing for doing nothing other than defending herself and her career, after what was clearly an attempt to passive-aggressively attack her, would be like apologizing to a bully for not letting them hit you.”
“Her husband needs to learn how to 1. Back his wife 2. Realize his sister is a giant a**hole 3. Stop enabling her bullying. 4. Identify who the victim is vs. the aggressor.”
“He wants peace, which is nice and all, except he wants it at his wife’s expense. Not cool dude. Not. Cool.” – CatmoCatmo
“I get that the norm in his family has previously been to placate his sister in order to avoid rocking the boat, BUT he has chosen to start a family of his own now, so it is time to put them first.”
“Motherhood is NOT a competition, and those mothers who try to turn it into one are truly awful human beings. I feel like OP showed an amazing amount of restraint given that her SIL kept coming at her and her husband did NOTHING to try to stop his sister.”
“The fact that he now expects OP to apologize is appalling.” – PurplePufferPea
Others agreed that the sister-in-law was the real instigator here.
“Why is it that the person being bullied in the first place has to ‘be the bigger person?’ Why is the bully never held accountable for their s**tty behavior?”
“NTA.” – GoblinKing79
“It seems like the SIL is insecure… She doesn’t get to b***h at you because your success is making her rethink her life choices.”
“She sowed what she reaped and you were d**n civil about it too. I wouldn’t have been. I can never keep my mouth shut at this kinda passive aggressive bulls**T. NTA very much.” – 2days2morrow
“NTA. The sister-in-law was basically telling the OP that her choices were detrimental to her baby’s well-being. Because that’s what ‘she can’t believe I’m putting my daughter in daycare when she’s so young’ means, followed by the sister-in-law implying that her child will be better off with access to mommy 24/7.”
“Women are just expected to put up with this kind of judgmental gender role policing all the time, and yes, it does cause harm.” – lecorbeauamelasse
“OP didn’t even say anything the first time SIL poked at her. Or the third. But you poke at people long enough, they’re gonna snap at you.”
“No one else in that family pointed out how the SIL was trying for a reaction. Then she got one, and we’re supposed to feel sorry for her, and the OP is supposed to apologize?”
“No, the OP is NTA and doesn’t have to be any sort of bigger person. Her SIL should learn to shut her trap.” – christmasshopper0109
“If you can dish it out, you should be able to take it, as well. I’m a very direct person, but if someone disagrees with me, my lifestyle, or my choices, I will never be offended, because otherwise, it would be a one-way street, and that’s not the purpose of communication.” – DismalSoil9554
“OP said literally nothing impolite or rude. She acknowledged their difference of opinion and just said she wouldn’t want to do what SIL does. There’s nothing rude about that at all.”
“If SIL got offended, that’s SIL’s problem and she needs to learn what an opinion is (especially if she’s constantly throwing hers around unprompted).” – Unfair_Connection646
“The OP said, ‘My husband thinks his sister was being rude but that I should be the bigger person and apologize.'”
“Um, how about YOUR HUSBAND speak to his sister and say something like, ‘I support the decisions my wife makes for our family. We’ve BOTH put a lot of thought into this path and agree it’s the best for all of us. Oh, and by the way, you are denigrating a lot of women who don’t have much of a choice but to choose daycare. Women aren’t bad mothers for not being full-time caretakers.'” – Short-Homework4550
“NTA. Working moms and stay-at-home moms need to be lifting each other up, not making snarky comments on how one is better than the other.”
“I had to go back to work. My sister-in-law was able to stay home until their kiddos started school. We babysat for each other. We helped each other. We both raised healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids into adulthood.” – Imaginary-Yak-6487
The subReddit reassured the OP not only that she did not need to apologize for what she had said but that her sister-in-law and everyone who was backing her up, especially the husband, should have been apologizing to the OP instead for the comments she had endured.
There are many different ways to parent, and different approaches will be right for different families.
The OP’s sister-in-law insinuating that the OP was not prioritizing motherhood enough was just as bad, if not worse, than if the OP had suggested her sister-in-law was lazy by not going back to work.