For many people, names carry serious significance, so it's no wonder that parents spend a great deal of time in choosing the names for their children.
Nicknames more often than not, however, are chosen organically rather than being planned ahead, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Intelligent_Beat_972 had used the same nickname for his daughter her entire life, and still at the age of 15, she enjoyed hearing it.
But when his sister demanded that he stop using it for his daughter, so she could use it for her newborn baby, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for refusing to stop calling my daughter a nickname?"
The OP had nicknamed his daughter 'Princess' her entire life.
"I (33 Male) have a daughter (15). I, like many parents, have different nicknames for my daughter, one being 'Princess.'"
"I have called my daughter Princess since she was a baby and still call her that even as a teenager."
The OP's sister recently had an unusual request about the nickname.
"My sister (35 Female) has a three-month-old daughter. She was over at my apartment yesterday and said she needed to ask me something."
"She said she would like for me to stop calling my daughter 'Princess,' because she and her husband want to call their daughter Princess."
"I asked why they can't both have the nickname."
"She said it would be awkward if we were somewhere together and both girls got referred to as Princess."
"I said I'm not going to stop calling my daughter a nickname I've always called her unless my daughter herself wants me to stop."
The OP's sister didn't like that answer.
"My sister said my daughter is too old for the nickname Princess anyway and I have several other nicknames for her so it shouldn't matter."
"She said I'm just choosing to gatekeep and be an AH."
"I don't think I am, because I'm not stopping my sister from using it. I'm just refusing to stop calling my daughter that nickname."
"My mom took my sister's side, agreeing that my daughter is too old for the nickname."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP this was a non-issue and rated his decision as NTA.
"Tell your sister she got a big head and to shut the f**k up. She's making a thing out of a non-thing."
"And on top of that, she's got the gall to tell you the name you've called your own daughter for 15 years is now to be used on her daughter; therefore, you have to be the only father in the world who doesn't call his daughter Princess?"
"Nah. The entitlement is amazing and I can tell she has a big forehead. NTA." - Tall_Economy_1438
"NTA. Hardcore not."
"Your relationship with your daughter is so important. Especially when she is a teenager. You're right that it's one hundred percent your daughter's decision."
"We are calling our daughter Eva even though my sister's kid is called Ava and it's going to be mega confusing."
"But what I don't get is why on earth is social situations being slightly confusing THAT big a deal. Ava and Eva are super common names so they are going to have that experience at school, and my name is James and every class I was in had another James."
"So if I can handle having someone with my name at school where I spend most of my time, why can't I cope with it at the much smaller number of extended family situations?"
"Nah, this is stupid. So many people would agree with your sister and your mum and this is a situation where they are all hardcore wrong." - yautja_cetanu
"Not gonna lie, based on the title, I thought your daughter had grown out of the nickname and you were adamant your baby girl wasn't growing up. I was prepared to shame you so f**king hard."
"But nah, NTA. Your sister is just entitled, and by the sounds of it, so will your niece."
"Also, she should really learn what gatekeeping is. This reminds me when the older guy at work accused the younger guy of gaslighting him because he said another coworker voted Party A and not Party B." - NorternVale
"NTA and this is a very silly request. 'Princess' is a super common nickname, so good luck to your sister if she thinks her daughter is going to be the only one who has it."
"It's also a bit weird to actively pick out a nickname for your small child. My kids each have a variety of nicknames, none of which were the product of careful thought or discussion; they just arose organically as we interacted with them." - Allaboutbird
"NTA, specifically because you said you would stop calling your daughter princess if your daughter wanted you to stop. This is the only thing that matters in this scenario: what your daughter wants." - nefertaraten
"NTA... My stepdaughter is going on 22 and I still call her Princess. My stepson is 18 and about to leave for college and I still call him by his nickname."
"It doesn't matter the age, it's a term of endearment."
"Your sister needs to get over herself if she thinks her kid is the only one who should be called that. And your mom should mind her own business... though I'm guessing your sister is the golden child, which is why your mom got involved." - LFGM1977
"We named our son after his great-grandfather, whose nickname happened to be Buddy. He kept that nickname throughout college and even news articles about playing football referred to him as Buddy. So for us, it made sense to use Buddy, too."
"Guess what we discovered was the most common nickname for a little boy once we started daycare?"
"Of course, he is still out little Buddy, but we certainly never would claim that name above anyone else."
"OP is NTA." - ceebs87
Others agreed and said the sister needed to double-check the definition of "gatekeeping."
"NTA. Your sister's being the gatekeeping AH. Why not let both girls have that nickname? If your girl still likes that nickname, you keep calling her it, because that's part of your bond."
"I'm 34 and you'd better believe my parents still call me the nickname they gave me as a baby." - gillebro
"NTA. Your sister is a drama queen, which might explain the Princess thing. Hmmmmmm."
"Either way, it's a nickname. Getting this bent out of shape over a nickname, that's the hill to die on?? People use Princess for their kids, pets, cars, boats, etc."
"Seriously nuts. And then go running to Mommy?"
"I think I'd be too busy laughing my a** off to worry. And like you, I'd gatekeep the h**l out of a nickname." - Expensive_Rhubarb_87
"NTA. I had twins and I called them both Princess! Your sister is out of her mind; it's way too common of a nickname. She can't gatekeep it."
"Your daughter has been Princess for 15 years, so that's a giant no. Why should your daughter have to change her nickname? The baby doesn't even know its nickname yet. They can pick another name or they can call their baby princess, who cares?!?" - MissWinterseren
"NTA. The only one trying to gatekeep here is your sister. How you lovingly refer to your daughter is none of their business." - No_Location_5565
"I love how she accuses you of 'gatekeeping' the nickname she is attempting to gatekeep. NTA." - Public-Feedback-6954
"NTA."
"Your sister needs to learn the definition of gatekeeping, because this isn't it. In fact, what you're doing is the exact opposite. She's actually the one trying to gatekeep by saying you shouldn't be using it."
"My entire family called all of our little kids peanut when they were little. My sister called her kids that. I called my kids that. My other sister called her kids that. Not once were any of us confused about which kid was ours and the kids weren't confused either."
"Your sister is making an issue out of nothing. This is entirely her problem." - Disastrous-Nail-640
But others challenged people to stop calling girls and women "princesses."
"This is so weird. No one should be calling anyone 'Princess,' in my opinion. Makes my skin crawl. ESH." - reginafilangi123
"ESH. Princess is a horrible nickname for a girl. Neither of your daughters are princesses. Do you know what a princess does? She sits around and hopes for a prince to marry her one day. That's it."
"I have an idea. Why don't you both give your daughters more empowering nicknames, like Superstar, Dragon Slayer, Smarty-pants, or absolutely anything other than Princess?" - Teacher_Investor
"ESH. Y'all need to stop referring to people as 'Princess,' because it is creepy and cringe!"
"Cheers!" - amb3rlamp5
"ESH. You, for having such a silly nickname which gives 80 percent chance of raising a person who thinks they are the main character in everyone's life, and your sister for wanting to name her kid a name that gives 100 percent chance of raising a person who thinks they are the main character in everyone's life."
"I understand why you are calling your girl that, but make sure she is okay with it, and it's not creating unhealthy expectations of how she should be treated by others."
"I am sorry, but I think Princess, Duke, Lord, Lard, Duchess, is a 'tragedeigh' in all instances; a nickname, a name, a dog name. In my experience annoyingly barking dogs and annoyingly barking people have it."
"The only exception is Queen and that's only because they have awesome music and they are the only ones allowed to bear a classist name." - Cross_examination
The subReddit could understand the importance of a name, especially after 15 years, but they were confused by the sister's idea of picking out a nickname ahead of time, rather than allowing it to happen organically as her daughter grew.
That is, of course, excluding those who were against the idea of the nickname of Princess at all, stating that the implications of the name were far too heavy to even consider using it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp