Preparing for a baby to come home for the first time is meant to be an exciting and beautiful time for a growing family.
But as they prepare for their baby to arrive, there are inevitably going to be people issuing unsolicited advice and comments about the new parents' preparations and plans, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
While visiting her sister-in-law (SIL), Redditor Dry_Enthusiasm2661 gave her some baby clothes and other items that she didn't need anymore that her future niece or nephew might need.
But when her sister-in-law washed the items, the Original Poster (OP) was insulted, thinking she was commenting on her home's cleanliness.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my SIL (Sister-in-Law) that she doesn't have to wash everything before her baby is born?"
The OP recently gave her sister-in-law some clothes to prepare for her future baby.
"My SIL is expecting her first baby at the end of this month."
"I have three kids. My youngest just turned one, so I have a lot of baby stuff (baby swing, clothes, toys, etc.) that we don't need anymore. Instead of donating them, I thought it would be nice to let my SIL and her wife look at them before."
"I brought them over, and they picked out what they wanted/needed, and my SIL immediately put the clothes in the washing machine."
The OP was insulted by her sister-in-law's actions.
"I'm a very clean person, and all of the baby stuff was clean, so I confronted my SIL."
"I asked her why she needed to clean my stuff if it wasn't dirty, and she knows I'm not dirty."
"My SIL said that she's cleaning everything and named a long list of things she's cleaning and has cleaned for the baby (she sterilized all bottles and pacifiers, washed all blankets, clothes, etc.)."
"I told my SIL that it's pretty stupid to wash everything, because what if she wants to take something back? And it's not like cleaning everything in her house is going to make her prepared for her baby. Nothing prepares you for your first."
The OP was further insulted by her sister-in-law's difference of opinion.
"My SIL took this as me being mean, but I was trying to be helpful. She should enjoy her last few weeks of pregnancy instead of cleaning everything."
"My SIL's wife told me that they 'are allowed to do things differently with their children.'"
"I pointed out to them that they've never had children, so she's going to feel silly for doing all of these things later."
"I also told them that when I was pregnant with my first, I didn't want to listen to anyone, and I regretted it later. They will too."
The OP didn't understand why her sister-in-law was upset with her.
"My SIL made it seem like I was being an AH, but I don't see it."
"I know what 'nesting' is, and obviously, I wanted everything clean and perfect, too. However, when one of my family members gifted me something, or if someone I KNOW is clean and takes care of things, I didn't throw it in the washer."
"I might be coming off as nitpicking, but when someone throws something in the washer that came from your house like it was something dirty, you would be annoyed, too."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out to the OP that everyone parents and prepares differently.
"YTA. It must be exhausting to be so easily offended."
"Who cares if she wants to wash everything? She's about to have a baby, it doesn't hurt anyone (reasonable) and it makes her feel better."
"Yes, you have three kids, but that doesn't mean that they need to parent exactly like you. Maybe they will have similar realizations to you, maybe they will make different choices about what was unnecessary."
"It's their parenting journey, let them figure it out the way they want to. And if you actually have any interest in your thoughts being considered, try presenting them in a less condescending way and try considering that doing things differently than you are not automatically bad." - photosbeersandteach
"YTA."
"Why would you care if they want to wash everything? It may not be helpful in the grand scheme of things but it's what they want to do. It's not going to hurt."
"Some people find cleaning and organizing relaxing. They get to decide how to 'enjoy' the last few weeks prior to the arrival of the baby. Mind your own business."
"If you are this critical about something so silly I bet you will be a joy with all of your child-rearing 'advice.' Having three kids doesn't make you the supreme expert in all things relating to parenting or cleaning. Mind your own house and leave these poor people alone." - 2Whom_It_May_Concern
"It is not a big deal but you made it one. She did not ask for your advice or input."
"If she wants to sterilize her entire house, it's her business. Not like she asked you to do it. And no, there is nothing to prepare you for the reality of a baby but there's lots you can do to help FEEL prepared. Like having everything clean and organized."
"Apologize for your attitude and don't offer unsolicited advice again."
"YTA." - Top_Ad5114
"Ok holier than thou. YTA."
"Your baby stuff has been in storage for a while, so it can handle a wash."
"Your babies may have not had any skin sensitivity, but a lot of babies do, so your SIL may have just been making sure they're washed in sensitive wash or even just rinsing dust from them sitting there."
"Your detergent might be a smell they don't like."
"Your clothes might be clean but smell like your house. Everyone's house has a smell. Whether it's nice or not is up to the beholder."
"They recommend washing new clothes especially as a lot have a coating on them that makes them less absorbent."
"She may be nesting and just want to have everything nice."
"She may be stressing about the birth and cleaning and organizing makes her feel useful/expelling stressful energy as at late pregnancy there's not much you can do but wait."
"You are 100% going to be that mum that your kids either ignore or never go to for advice because everything will be 'I know this why don't you just listen and do what I think.'" - Disastrous_Cress_701
"Do you even see WHY you are the AH? I mean, you said you didn't want to listen to anyone during your first pregnancy and you regretted it. But I'm sure someone tried to tell you you would regret it at the time and you ignored them as well. You had to learn on your own."
"And guess what... So does your SIL. This is not your life. Not your pregnancy, Not your child. Not your business."
"You are insulted that she is washing something because you take her action to imply you're dirty. When in fact her action has absolutely nothing to do with you at all! You know you're not dirty. Why do you attach such a strong emotion to the simple act of laundry? Why do you attach personal feelings to someone else's life?"
"Maybe you should take a second look next time before gifting anything to anyone. A gift, once given is no longer yours to control. If you are too emotionally attached to said 'gifts,' you should not give them." - Moonsrayven
Others urged the OP to be more respectful of someone else's nesting period.
"YTA. She's nesting. If you were so worried about her doing extra work, you could have offered to wash the stuff for her."
"Also, you telling her she'd regret not listening to you later over washing some baby clothes is weird as f**k." - zan915nyc
"Have you never heard of nesting? It's an instinct that affects many pregnant women near the end of their pregnancy. It tells them that they need to get everything prepared before the baby arrives: buy everything needed, clean, rearrange things, make anything they feel they need, etc."
"Maybe it didn't hit you, but it sounds like your SIL is feeling it pretty strongly. It's an instinct that varies between helpful and harmless, depending on how prepared the parent(s) already was/were. But unless it goes to pathological extremes, it is at worst harmless."
"Acting like that instinct is pointless and stupid - which is exactly what you were doing - is a hurtful response that does absolutely no good. If we're going to talk about someone doing things that are not needed and cause harm, how about we look at your behavior?"
"You took offense at something that wasn't about you, you picked a fight with a heavily pregnant person over that, and then you repeatedly spoke down to her and her wife." - KaliTheBlaze
"Nesting is an instinct that pregnant moms have. I went into a frenzy about six weeks before my youngest was born and guess what? A few days later I was in hospital giving birth to a premmie."
"Our baby was fine but we stayed in the hospital as a precaution for eight days and when we went home, everything was ready for our new addition." - Ok_Smoke_1056
"YTA. Your baby stuff needed a wash even if it was clean when you put it away. It doesn't hurt to freshen things up even if they are still clean. Why is this something you chose to fuss at her about?"
"Cleaning everything in her house will surely make those first few days/weeks out of the hospital easier for her. Also, cleaning can be considered nesting behavior. Many pregnant women 'nest' before giving birth."
"A quick Google search will show that this urge to clean and organize is known as nesting. Nesting during pregnancy is the overwhelming desire to get your home ready for your new baby."
"The nesting instinct is strongest in the later weeks coming upon delivery; there is nothing wrong with what your SIL is doing. It's perfectly NORMAL."
"Put your jealousy away and let her enjoy her remaining pregnancy." - Foggy_Radish
"YTA. At first, I was gonna go with NTA otherwise based solely on my first kid I washed EVERYTHING. Even the walls, d**n it... Then with my secondborn, I was like okay, I'll wash the clothes and call it good. Because who knows about allergies!"
"But reading the remainder of your post, you are clearly TA. You weren't saying any of that out of love. You were saying it out of some sort of malice for whatever reason."
"She's probably nesting. Which is real. And even if she isn't to that stage yet, let her enjoy her fu**ing pregnancy how she seems fit providing it's safe. Which I'd consider washing everything a SAFE THING." - ch196088
"YTA. Sorry, but I would wash everything, too. Plus, this helps your SIL in her excitement for the upcoming birth of her precious baby. You literally just rained on her parade." - Limp_Comedian_7470
The subReddit couldn't help but collectively shake its head at the OP for the priorities she had set against her sister-in-law. Her sister-in-law clearly wasn't judging the OP's cleanliness; she was just preparing for her baby, and the OP was criticizing her in a way that she probably hated being criticized when she herself was a new mother.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp