It's easy to forget that life can change in the blink of an eye, even if you're already living your life exactly as you would want.
Suddenly having to adopt a close relative after committing to being child-free would certainly fall into that category, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
While Redditor act103__ and her husband wanted to be child-free, they did not hesitate at all to take in their two nephews who had struggled through a traumatic childhood.
But when her friends began to accuse her of prioritizing her kids over her friends, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was somehow doing this all wrong.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for hurting my friend's feelings at her engagement party?"
The OP and her husband committed to adopting their two young nephews.
"I (Female) never wanted kids. My husband too."
"But life happened and now we care for my two little nephews (I'm their aunt). Their five-year-old twins, and they've had a traumatic childhood."
"It was an easy decision for both of us."
The OP and her husband had to seriously adapt their lifestyle.
"I'm not saying I regret anything but it's not easy, especially with little kids that are traumatized (all you really need to know is that their parents were not good people)."
"Many of our friends (many who are child-free) have been great. They're especially understanding of the fact that, though we didn't give birth to them, we are now parents and the kids are our first priority."
"They also understand that we can't hire babysitters or ask anyone else to watch the kids due to several reasons, including their fear of separation."
"We had to skip one wedding, and another couple allowed us to bring the boys to their originally child-free wedding. Both couples were happy and there are no hard feelings between us."
The OP recently tried to juggle going to one of her friend's engagement parties.
"Now, another friend is getting married and she knows what's up as well."
"When we declined her invitation to her engagement party, which would just be adults due to alcohol and other kinds of adult activities, she called me and begged me to come."
"I said I'd try my best."
"My husband and I decided that he would watch the kids on his own while I went."
But the evening did not go as smoothly as planned.
"While I was getting ready, the boys were watching me, and they started to cry because they realized I was going out. This caused me to be late."
"I apologized to her and while she said it was okay, I could tell she was slightly hurt."
"Regardless, I tried to have a good time with her and other friends. I didn't drink any alcohol but she kept trying to make me."
"Then my husband texted me a couple of hours in, saying that one nephew is refusing to eat and the other is screaming."
"I stepped outside for ten minutes to call them and when the boys calmed down enough, I went back in."
"At this point, my friend looked angry. I had apparently missed a speech. She said I ruined the entire night by stressing her out with my attitude. She even accused me of thinking that I was better than her because I'm a parent now and she isn't."
"I told her that isn't true and that I didn't mean to ruin her night but I'm sorry."
The bride lashed out at the OP.
"She told me to f**k off and said something like, 'It's a few hours. Those kids don't have to be on your mind all the time.'"
"I was just going to leave but I felt so insulted. I told her that she can't put her night being ruined on me, and that I'm sorry she had a terrible night because I didn't drink, and because I refused to forget about my kids for a couple of hours, but her feeling hurt not my responsibility and she can figure it out herself."
The OP's other friends took the bride's side.
"She started crying and our friends (kindly) told me to just leave."
"While they all understand my position, they think I should apologize because it's her party/wedding. And I did hurt her after all."
"I haven't been thinking about this much but I have some free time and I just got a text from said friend, telling me that I'm uninvited from her actual wedding."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the bride needed to sort out her priorities.
"NTA. I don't know why she was hurt that you turned up late. The fact is, YOU TURNED UP! You could have not bothered to go at all and then what? Did you ruin her evening because you didn't show up?"
"She's not entitled to your time and I don't see what you did to actually 'hurt' her. Why was she so hyper-focused on you instead of just getting on with and enjoying her event? You didn't make a scene, as you went outside to take the call. Also, why was she trying so hard to make you drink?"
"I guess once she has children, she'll see for herself what it's like being a parent. It's probably for the best she uninvited you, one less person you have to stress over in your life." - Duckie_plantmom
"You see, she wasn't just late, she was late... because of the kids. And she didn't just choose not to drink, she didn't drink just in case... because of the kids."
"So OBVIOUSLY, it makes sense to be upset because OP is choosing the kids over friends and flaunting That Parent Life in front of everyone."
"(That was sarcasm.)"
"It's weird, OP, because I'd expect that reaction if you were of central importance to the party (like if you're the maid of honor, it's a joint party, etc…). Otherwise, I don't see why what you do, as one guest among many, matters."
"It ruined her party because she hyper-fixated on everything you did instead of enjoying the party with all the guests. NTA." - Limitless-Megan
"The bride sounds like the type who thinks the guests need to put heir lives on hold for a whole year until the Grand Wedding happens!"
"How dare you CARE about your kids while she, the only worthy and bestest bride to be, is partying, OP?"
"NTA of course. If your friends make you question this, drop them too. Your kids come first. Hope they're in therapy to help them cope. You're a good parent." - Rohini-rambles
"Unless you are not telling the whole story... NTA."
"Did you make a scene, did you loudly announce to the whole room that you had to call the kids? I assume not. You were late but you apologized for that. All in all no behavior that 'ruins the whole night.'"
"And honestly... why is she so focused on you when it is her engagement party? Maybe let her cool down and talk again if you feel like it." - face-in-a-crowd
"NTA at all. When we adopted our nephew (age three at the time), we thought he would be okay at daycare because he was previously going. He screamed and cried for hours in a way that breaks your heart, so much so that we couldn't leave, at least one of us needed to be with him."
"Your friend doesn't understand this, and that's okay; but it's not okay for her to treat you like your current situation isn't important. Time to find some new friends with kids." - Intelligent-Panda-33
"OP, I would like to be your friend for the following reasons:"
"1. You would've preferred to be child-free but due to some reason (which I'm guessing was pretty traumatic), you now have two young children. You and your hoozband are stand-up people for putting aside your personal preferences and doing a great thing. I am in awe."
"2. You are such an amazing creature that your friend, the Enraged Engaged, holds you on such a high pedestal that your absence (taking the phone call outside) caused her to miss you SO TERRIBLY that her entire engagement party was ruined. You weren't there for a speech; oh noes!"
"You would've preferred to stay home with your children because they're still traumatized (and probably will be for quite some time) but you compromised, having your awesome hoozband stay home with them so you could be there for her, AND THAT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR HER."
"3. Because you're a strong, loving person and because you're obviously super incredibly amazing that the Unhinged Engaged friend can't be without you… Man, I have some supremely awesome friends but you sound awesome-er. Are you accepting applications?"
"OP, you're soooooo NTA. Please accept my respect and gratitude for what you've done… and let Upstaged Engaged go until she meekly contacts you sometime down the road with apologies." - Flat-Succotash5369
Others felt that the OP and the bride both could have behaved better in this situation.
"ESH."
"Your friend was s**tty for not understanding your situation and you were s**tty to your friend. If you really are friends, you should both apologize and try to understand each other. After that, you can decide if you want to keep being friends."
"But your friend is probably far down the priority list. Especially since you describe taking care of kids with trauma. You did not go into their situation but to me, it says a lot about how they react to you not being there. I'm really happy to hear that people do this for each other."
"And while I actually understand how hard that situation at home can be, you must keep working on ways to lessen the burden of trauma. For you and for the kids. Stay strong!" - RetroJens
"It sounds like you and your friend have grown apart. She wants the version of you that doesn't exist anymore. It doesn't sound like either of you means enough to the other to make the transition easier for the other, but oh well. On to a new chapter of your life. Soft ESH." - LadyJusticeThe
"ESH. Unfortunately, this is a situation you may need to just sit out next time. Hanging out with friends yet constantly having other things on your mind and taking phone calls isn't always the best time for anyone involved."
"You're stressed about your kids, your friends are stressed about your stress and the wedding, and it's all so unnecessary." - Scared-Ad-7678
"ESH. I recognize this might be an unpopular opinion, but I think that no one is in the clear here."
"The engagement party friend has her own issues and needs to stop taking OP's focus on the nephews personally, but it can be hard when your friends shift their priorities suddenly."
"Did OP have to take the call during the party? Is the spouse not able to watch these kids for a couple of hours on his own? Certainly, I can understand being available for emergencies, but the issues at hand sound like behavioral situations with natural consequences, not emergencies."
"There is no one in these people's lives that can babysit these two kids? I am hoping there are pieces that are left out to protect privacy, but to me, the OP sounds a little bit like they and their partner are playing savior/martyr as the ONLY ones who can help these kids."
"All that being said, I cannot imagine the burden of going from childless to the parents of two traumatized kids overnight, and OP's friend group should cut them some slack while they figure out how to manage parenthood in a balanced fashion."
"Finally, pushing people to drink at parties is obnoxious and OP is not an a**hole for refusing drinks, and her engaged friend needs to accept OP's decisions about alcohol consumption." - SimonettaSeeker
"ESH."
"You accepted the party invite, knowing full well the expectations of this friend. They are your friend, you should be well acquainted with their personality and lifestyle. You were also well aware that she would want you to fully participate with them which you were particularly against doing."
"If you didn't intend to fully commit to the night, it would have been better to sit down with her better explain that you felt that you could give her what she wanted the way she would want it and maybe offered to get hangover brunch the day after. That way you show you care about her, but acknowledge that you can't afford to live that lifestyle at the moment because of your personal responsibilities."
"She was being a bit of a drama queen and clearly want more from you than you are willing to give and that is kind of a toxic trait, but brides be like that."
"She sounds like she was drunk and that she got her feelings hurt that one of her best friends would not commit a few hours of her life to celebrate a major milestone in her life. Which can hurt to feel even when sober. I personally think that she is letting drunk emotions bleed into sober fallout, but that's me."
"Outside of that drama, your husband is also the a**hole for using you as the ringer, while you are out with your friends at a special party. In-laws exist for a reason. I know he was having to play in-zone for a few hours, but come on, man. Don't be dropping the ball like that."
"I think both of y'all need to apologize to each other because I think both of y'all have very fair points and there is clearly a failure in communication and empathy from both sides. I think it would be a shame to lose a relationship of several years to a silly spat."
"Apologize. Even if she doesn't. You can only be responsible for your actions. Hopefully, she is woman enough to admit to her fault in the problem as well." - RandomPerson_7
The subReddit could sympathize with the fact that it sounded like a lot had changed in the OP's life very quickly, and not only was this something that the OP and her husband had to get used to, but it was also something their friends had to accept or let go of their friendships over.
And that was clearly a decision that the OP's engaged friend needed to make right now. If she only wanted to be the OP's friend when the OP acted like her former self, it was better for her to disinvite the OP from the wedding and walk away now, rather than continue to demand behavior from the OP that simply wasn't possible for her now with two children depending on her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp