A wedding can be a chance for two families to come together.
But it’s no guarantee those families will get along.
A new bride turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Unaliveplant asked:
“AITA because I didn’t stay at my own wedding reception after my SIL had a tantrum?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Some short background, I (27, female) am from the UK while my husband (38, male) is from the US. We’ve been doing long distance for 2 years at this point—where he comes to visit and we were saving up for me to visit there, but it’s expensive and my son has school.”
“Which if you’ve been on holiday in term time you know its 1000 times more expensive than not.”
“I’ve met my in-laws over video calls but not in person until a week before my actual wedding, whereas I’d met my husband at least 10 times in the 2 years of us dating, him staying with me 2 weeks or longer each time.”
“When I got to America and we finally met the family, it was hard because they claimed they wanted to get to know me so many times but none of them actually tried to make conversation with me.”
“They didn’t ask questions and they were all talking about things I had no idea on as it was sports or something I couldn’t even try to engage in, like reliving memories I couldn’t really comment on other than, ‘that sounds awesome’ or ‘that’s great’.”
“But they kept claiming they so wanted to get to know me and me going outside every now and then to get a breather from awkward social situations (having severe anxiety) was ‘them being unable to get to know me’. I felt ignored and invisible.
“The wedding day itself went great. We got ready, got married and started partying, kind of, again same situation, no one spoke to me.”
“The only people who actually had conversations with me were my friends and we went outside together while she had a smoke because I didn’t wanna be alone. Me and my husband spent most of our time together and around 8pm my friend left.”
“No one was speaking to me and my husband much at that point. 9pm rolls around and I get out of my dress and start trying to pack things up so then there wasn’t much that needed to be done at the end of the night.”
“WELL, that’s when SIL (48, female) realizes we’re leaving and my husband is currently playing with my son (who is 5 years-old) and his cousin too preoccupied to hear his sister scream at me asking if we’re leaving, like she was in severe shock.”
“She screamed at me 3 times until she then stormed out and well threw a tantrum. My husband tried to go and calm her but that didn’t work and she continued cried when I let my husband know that the Uber is here and we gotta go.”
“I was exhausted and extremely annoyed at this point after being screamed at and completely exhausted. I just wanted to leave so I shouted to my husband that I’m leaving with or without him.”
“I know it wasn’t my brightest moment, but I was tired especially with my body clock not changing either. We left and now his sister is mad, her husband is mad and decided to keep the wedding video he took of us.”
“He said we can’t have it because I was ‘immature’ for not staying a little longer when I saw SIL was upset.”
“I do understand her being upset but at the same time could she not of pulled us aside and had a civil conversation with us rather than screaming at me and throwing a tantrum like a child?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I understand she was upset. I don’t understand why she had a tantrum.”
“He hasn’t moved to the UK yet, but will be soon and yeah that’s also a reason I think she was more upset. I mean we tried to spend as much time with his family while I was there and I plan on moving over there one day.”
“Current life situation is stopping me from going right now for personal reasons, but we plan on visiting etc… It was never the end, but I do understand it can be upsetting knowing he’s moving 4000 miles away and she just wanted to spend time with him.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. But this is your husband’s problem. Just ignore her.”
“And you weren’t leaving because of her, but in spite of her. Just let her stew.”
“This was your wedding, not hers. She doesn’t get to dictate what you do at your wedding.”
“Don’t discuss this with her. If she brings it up, end the conversation unless she apologizes.” ~ FuzzyMom2005
“Almost every wedding I’ve been to the bride and groom left early. Anywhere from an hour to 10 minutes before the scheduled end time.”
“OP, NTA. You and your husband had a long distance relationship and still got to know each other. Zoom, FaceTime, phone call, text, and a plethora of other ways to communicate are available.”
“You can make plans for family reunions every few years. S-I-L totally overreacted. Holding the wedding video hostage is another a**hole move on their part.” ~ catnap-247
“Traditionally, guests are not supposed to leave until the bride and groom do. There may have been (probably older) guests who follow this rule and were thrilled they could finally leave without being rude. NTA.” ~ Aylauria
“NTA—I think that this is one of those times when guests should remind themselves that it is the couple’s day. I think that they are free to leave after whatever ceremonial things they want to do—toasts, first dances, etc…”
“The guests can stay and drink, or talk, or whatever.”
“If they want to stay up all night, that’s fine, too! Just so us old people get to leave when we get tuckered out.” ~ NobodyButMyShadow
“It sounds like his family is just dysfunctional to me.”
“When I got engaged my [dysfunctional] family kind of acted like this and were very hostile to my now-husband just because they saw it as a sort of betrayal that I wanted to be in another immediate family other than theirs, and that was a) only me living with him in the West Country rather than with them in East Anglia and b) that was something I’d already been doing for years anyway.”
“I think for them it’s the symbolism as much as anything else, and they’ve got themselves into such a tizz about it that they’re acting completely irrationally and can’t see how little their actions make coherant sense to anyone outside their little bubble.”
“This is not on you, this is something they need to work out for themselves, whether they will or not. You stepping away from the situation and leaving them to it is honestly the best thing to do. NTA of course, and congratulations!” ~ Tatterjacket
“Yeah it’s her brother, but she’s had like……38 years to hang out with him, did she really think his wedding night was going to be for the two of them to party‽‽”
“And it doesn’t sound like she was putting any effort into hanging out with you, NTA!” ~ Odd_Antelope_3818
“Honestly, I am living through this exact same experience right now with my significant other (SO), so you are not alone.”
“It always feels like I am just there and no one wants to get to know me unless I am into their niche interests. They have also blamed me in passive ways for ‘stealing’ their ‘child’ away from them.”
“Makes it very tiring and one sided. I have had to back away for a bit for my own mental sanity, but I am still always polite to them.”
“Also I always encourage my SO to spend time with their family even if I am luke-warm on being around them. I do not want to be in the way of them staying connected ever.”
“Anyway, I wish I could give you advice on how to make this situation better or how to navigate it, but all I can say is give it time to let things settle. Focus on being happy in your new marriage with your husband.” ~ electric_hayes
“NTA. How cruel to hold your wedding video hostage in this ridiculous situation that was his wife’s fault. Sorry to say your new in-laws suck.” ~ sherlocked27
“NTA and you have horrible in-laws. Plenty of those in the US (says this American). Also over here the bride & groom usually leave first, that’s the norm.”
“The ones acting like your SIL at weddings are the ones who have had a lot to drink. And not water.”
“Withholding the video is awful. Not making conversation when they met you was rude. They have no class. Fortunately, they’re an ocean away OP!”
“Best wishes and congrats!!!” ~ OceanBreeze_123
This isn’t the way any couple wants their wedding day to end.
Hopefully everything improves over time.