Couples expecting their first child is an exciting phase, where gender reveals, baby showers, and choosing baby names are all part of the game. For our Reddit couple, the 32-week pregnant mom and her husband have been productive working on the nursery.
Except there's one small problem getting in the way of the nursery completion.
When she had a confrontation over the recent ongoing issue, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subreddit.
There, Redditor Aggravating_Scar7518 asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my mother-in-law redecorate our nursery?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (26 F[female]) am currently 32 weeks pregnant with mine and my husband Felix's (27 M[ale]) first child. Things have been going well, and one of the great things is that Felix is a builder and so everything with the nursery went pretty smoothly pretty fast!"
"We agreed at the start about what kind of vibe we wanted to go with it, and it's pretty much already done. Figured that we'd get it sorted as soon as possible, so it wasn't another thing to worry about later."
"My MIL has always been a bit of a nightmare but has been better since the news that I'm pregnant (though not without issue - for example, she told me that I should 'lose some weight' and that it wasn't 'healthy' for me or the baby."
"She knows that I used to struggle with anorexia, and I'm not any sort of unhealthy weight). In the past, I've kept my mouth shut and let Felix deal with her."
The OP continued:
"As the nursery has almost been completed, she's suddenly decided to invite herself around more - I work from home currently, she comes in on the regular, asks me when I'm going to have lunch, and 'oh could you just pop me something in too!' and then will wander into the nursery and start rearranging things."
"I know this sounds stupid but once she literally bought an IKEA bag full of stuff that she put in there. It doesn't match. But I've never said anything really beyond, 'Oh, thanks so much for the thought, ' etc."
"Yesterday, when she came around uninvited, she looked me up and down and said, 'Really? Joggers? Thank god Felix isn't here,' and then walked into the nursery and started asking me where the pillow she'd put in the crib had gone, why I'd taken out the fairy lights hanging on the wall right by it, etc."
"I explained that they were potential safety hazards to the future baby and that I'd taken them out."
"She started with, 'Oh, well, I've had three children' and 'I really think you should take more of my advice' and then looked me in the eyes and said, 'You're really not going to be a good mother at this rate.' "
Then, things went south.
"I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones, but I just stared at her for a moment and then told her to get out of the house. I'd been up all night and had loads of work, but I wasn't in the mood. She got very uptight about it and then left."
"Felix says he's going to talk to her and tell her that she shouldn't be reorganizing anything without our permission, but I don't know if it was just the hormones, and I'm being unreasonable. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA."
"Felix needs to put down a LOT more boundaries:"
"no more popping by when he isn't around. She has to ask him to come over and can only do so when he says yes and he is there."
"-no more talk about your health or weight, EVER."
"-no redecorating or moving ANYTHING in your house."
"I'm sure there needs to be more. This is to get you started with him. He needs to protect you and your child." – Trick_Delivery4609
"NTA."
"AND A PROPER FORMAL APOLOGY for not only her behavior but her comment that you 'wouldn't be a good mother' 😤"
"I would be working with your birthing team to make sure that witch is banned from delivery and recovery as well. After all this, I wouldn't trust her any farther than I could throw a baby hippo. 🦛" – PrincessPnyButtercup
"NTA."
"Felix needs to shut this down like yesterday. She's being openly disrespectful to you."
"She can no longer come over uninvited. She needs to call and schedule a visit, like everyone else. Also, if she has a key to your home, change the locks."
"No more bringing unwanted items for the baby. While you appreciate the thought, you and Felix want to prepare the baby's room the way you want it. This is YOUR baby. She had a chance to decorate how she wanted with her kids and now it's your turn."
"No more passive aggressive comments to or about you. If this isn't shut down, she will continue this around your child. She will talk badly about you around/to your child. This is disrespectful to you and should immediately be stopped."
"Actions have consequences. If she breaks any boundary you and Felix have set, she won't see the baby for X amount of time. That could be days, weeks, months, or even a year, depending on how severe the boundary she broke was."
"You could even do it, 1st offense X days, 2nd X months,3rd permanent. This is something you and Felix need to sit down now and talk about."
"This blatant disrespect needs to stop, and it needs to stop immediately. This can't continue, if for no other reason than your mental health."
"She knows you have an ED and is deliberately using it against you. What is her end goal? For you to spiral so she can tell everyone you're an unfit mother? That sounds psychotic." – EnfysMae
"NTA. Your MIL is a huge one, though. You deserve better treatment, and you advocating for yourself doesn't make you an AH. Also, remember - if she's treating you this way, she could treat your children this way too, especially little girls, since the comments she made were rooted in misogyny. Take care." – Mobile_Following_198
"NTA - someone insults you to your face and oversteps. You are just reacting the way anyone other than a doormat would react."
"We do make allowances for MILs and other relatives when they accidentally push our buttons, but this isn't one of those cases. I wouldn't have seen anything wrong in saying you removed the items because they didn't match your plan for the nursery." – MercuryRising92
"NTA"
"As a soon-to-be grandparent with four grown children that I have raised. I am well aware that things have changed in terms of parenting and safe environments for babies. So, I am reading up on current parenting research, asking questions, and making notes of the parent's preferences."
"I will admit, it takes a lot of self-discipline to not go ham and buy every baby item I come across. But I remember being the new mom and wanting things done a certain way. I intend to respect the new parent's preferences as well." – Choice-Emphasis9048
In an update, the OP wrote:
"Felix and I sat down and had a conversation about how to manage his mother going forward. I told him everything that she had said to me and he was adequately furious with her. He asked me exactly what I wanted done in the future so that she'd understand where our boundaries are."
"And follow them. I told him that I'd rather him speak to her alone at first so that I wasn't immediately made out to be the bad guy."
"I acted on advice and locksmith has been called to change the locks on the house, and Felix has ordered us a Ring doorbell off Amazon with the assurance 'I'll be able to put it in' (he hates doing the electrics but you know how it is I'll leave him to it lol)."
"And then he called up MIL and organized a lunch date for today so they could have a talk between themselves. He got back in the afternoon and as he walked into the door, smiled at me and went 'Sorted!' and, characteristically, went to go and make himself a cup of tea."
The OP continued:
"I got a message a few minutes later from her saying she was very sorry for what she had said to me, that she was in the wrong. Only going to visit when invited, not going to go into the nursery anymore, and was going to respect the rules and boundaries that he and I set for our home life and for our child."
"And after added that she was sorry for the comments she'd made on my appearance. I'll believe it when I see it but at least it's a good start, and we've all agreed to go for dinner at some point to talk about future expectations when the the baby comes."
"I talked to Felix, and he said that she'd been offended at first, didn't believe she'd done anything wrong, and he also specifically said she hit with the spiel of 'Oh, I must be such an awful mother then', and he told me he'd told her 'It's not about that, it's about you disrespecting my wife, our child and our home. If you continue, you're not going to dream of being able to see your grandchild.' "
"She was apparently and unsurprisingly sulky, and he told her to apologize, and she said she would and to her credit did."
"Thank you all for your advice about how to handle thing going forwards with the locks and everything. The amount of support was crazy but I can't thank you all enough, I feel so much calmer about the situation. I don't know if she's going to stick to what she said going forwards, but at least boundaries have been set and I know that Felix has my back."
"On a lighter note to end, I asked if he had anything he wanted to say to the people who had commented, and he said, 'Can you add that photo of me in Florida?' (Felix...That's not even slightly relevant.) 'Shame. What do you want for tea?' "
"Thank you!"
It's great to hear Felix took the reins on the situation by having a serious conversation with his mother to defend his wife and family. Hopefully, the "nightmare" MIL will be more of a wanted presence in her son and daughter-in-law's lives.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp