Big age gaps between siblings can affect their ability to form a bond. Especially if they’re half siblings and have never shared a household.
A desire to bond is also critical, as connections can’t be forced by outsiders.
An older half-brother with a close bond with his full sister turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
AdvanceFlimsy2383 asked:
“AITA for only taking care of my (full) little sister?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (30, male) have a younger sister (16, female), Lara. I’ve basically raised this girl like my daughter. I love her like she’s my own child.”
“Our mom died when Lara was a year old and I was 15. Our father was a wealthy man with a revolving door of younger women, who my sister grew up resenting.”
“She goes to therapy and has PRN meds for anxiety. She is not being deprived of any help.”
“Whatever our father was, he loved us both very much. He was a workaholic, which left me caring for my sister most of the time. Even though she had a nanny, she had extreme separation anxiety.”
“When I started college, our father bought me an apartment so I didn’t have to stay in a dorm. It turned into me raising my sister throughout college and business school.”
“She stayed at my apartment with her nanny during school hours, and I took care of her when I came home. I never missed a single competition or spelling bee, even through school, which I don’t regret.”
“That’s what I mean when I say I raised her.”
“About three years ago, our father started dating a much younger woman (now 25, female). She got pregnant and gave birth to a daughter.”
“I was never involved with the kid. One time, I took my sister to visit because our father requested it.”
“It ended with her being an emotionally distraught mess for a week. She felt like she was being ‘replaced’. Any time I brought up the kid, she would cry.”
“So I refused to see the kid again.”
“Our father died unexpectedly six months ago. He never married the woman, and she didn’t get a penny in the will. My father wasn’t stupid enough to live with her and establish common law rights.”
“The kid got a small lump sum, but nothing like the trusts my sister and I received. I don’t think he cared for the kid very much, but the woman wanted it. I used to joke to my sister that the girl was just a ‘compromise kid’.”
“Lately, the woman has started badgering me. She says she can’t raise a child on her own and it’s unfair that I’m protective of my sister, but won’t do the same for my ‘other sibling’.”
“I don’t feel it is unreasonable to prioritize the little girl I raised over some child my dad chose to have.”
“I corrected her and said I had no relation or obligation to her child. Her child being around hurts my sister, and she is my priority.”
“My sister is not special needs, but she is basically my child, and I treat her as such (like a child). I can’t/won’t spend time with this child because the mere mention of the kid has been detrimental to my sister’s mental state, which, as her legal guardian/parent, I am obligated to protect.”
“I have had my share of therapy. My sister is in therapy currently. I have no interest in a visitation schedule because I know if my sister finds out it will be horribly hard on her.”
“I have a baby sister. She is sixteen. The other child is my father’s child, whom I currently have zero relationship with.”
“She got angry and said I can’t spoil one sister and neglect another. She said her child doesn’t have a father now and needs a male presence.”
“I told her to contact my lawyer.”
“Then she somehow got my sister’s number and sent her texts calling her cruel for ‘keeping’ me away. I had to be up all night consoling my sister, telling her I wouldn’t see this girl and she had nothing to worry about.”
“I don’t care if she’s been a bit spoiled by me. I know that she’s not going to end up pregnant by some older man who wouldn’t even marry her (which one idiot I know chose to do).”
“I called the woman again and threatened legal action if she kept harassing my sister. I already blocked her from my sister’s phone and preemptively blocked her on all social media (both mine and my sister’s).”
“I’ll be contacting my lawyer tonight and seeing if I can get a restraining order. Now she’s calling my aunts and uncles, saying I’m vindictive and cruel.”
“My sister is not an awful person. She is a young girl who has suffered a hell of a lot more than most people. Her mother died when she was a 1-year-old, and her father chose work and women over spending any time with her.”
“I truly don’t know what about emotional breakdown screams ‘awful person’. She did not harm the kid, in fact she did a relatively good job of concealing her feelings when they met. She didn’t scream at the baby. She was not an ‘asshole’ to the baby.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I have completely refused to see my father’s other child who will be growing up fatherless.”
“I could have been kinder, or maybe seen the child in secret while my little sister is at school—though I don’t want to.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You don’t owe any obligation to your dad’s girlfriend or her child, even though she is biologically your half-sister. You don’t have to step into your Dad’s shoes and provide emotionally or financially, like they used to in the middle ages.”
“But you need to get your sister some therapy, as she seems to have very insecure attachments despite your consistent input, and that will make her vulnerable in her adult relationships if it is not addressed.” ~ mavenmim
“This reply really cuts to the heart of things. OP, you’ve already taken on a massive role far beyond what anyone should expect of a sibling, especially at such a young age.”
“It’s more than fair to draw boundaries when someone tries to pile on even more responsibility you never agreed to.”
“You’re not being heartless; you’re protecting yourself and your sister. You’ve done more than enough. Anyone who thinks otherwise likely doesn’t understand what it’s like to carry so much on your shoulders for so long.” ~ WhisperJeweel
“NTA. Why don’t your uncles step up to be a male presence instead of increasing the load on somebody who has already raised a sibling while still a child themselves?” ~ bythebrook88
“Because they don’t have money, honey! She’s only interested in op as a ‘male role model for one reason.” ~ Amonette2012
“Also, OP cared for his sister (with a nanny’s help) from the time she was born until the present, so from when he was a teen. Dad’s girlfriend is struggling to care for her own child that she allegedly wanted at 25?”
“Yeah, no. She’s mad her late boyfriend didn’t leave her anything, and only left a small lump sum for her baby. OP is NTA, and should definitely report the girlfriend for harassing a minor.” ~ fizzy_lime
“I read it as maybe she is looking for a replacement for the father. As OP is only a couple of years older than her, he would be prime material when looking for a new partner if she thinks that is where the money is.” ~ This_Situation5027
“And doesn’t the child’s mother have any male relatives on HER side of the family who could step up and help the child out? If the mother is REALLY concerned about the lack of a male presence in her daughter’s life rather than money, then that would be the best solution.” ~ Royal-House-5478
Although some felt everyone was awful.
“ESH, but your late dad most of all. Your dad abandoned you right after your mother died, leaving you to face that grief and trauma alone. Poor 15-year-old child that you were. He should have been there for you.”
“Your dad abandoned your full sister, leaving a traumatized teenager you to raise a traumatized infant. It was no accident that he got you that apartment. He was foisting his parenting duties off onto his grieving child.”
“What a horrible thing to do. While the other college kids were dating and having fun, at 18 years old you were being the father that your own father refused to be. Imagine if your sister was raising a baby right now. Do you see how young she is?”
“You were even younger than that! Your a**hole dad made you the father of a pre-schooler when you were a teen. A grieving teen.”
“Then he has ANOTHER kid and doesn’t provide for her properly in his will.”
“The 25-year-old was a fool to not get things nailed down for her kid, but that is not your problem.”
“You and your full sister have no moral obligation to have any relationship with this baby, or to communicate with baby’s mother. In fact it is better if you only communicate with her through lawyers.”
“You and your sister are way too emotional and angry about the baby to be making any decisions regarding her. It will just get ugly and consume your life and your thoughts.”
“For everyone’s sake, you should have your lawyer figure out what, if anything, the baby is legally entitled to, and then settle up and MOVE ON.”
“You and your sister both have trauma that can be seen from space. Seriously. Every word you wrote was dripping with unresolved trauma.”
“Your sister’s reaction to that baby was really extreme, and it is pretty obvious that the baby triggered her. You both would do well to get trauma-informed mental health support to unravel and process the extraordinarily painful things you two have been through.”
“Lucky for you both, the main a**hole is dead. So you can use his money to work on healing from the emotional damage that man’s neglect did to you both.” ~ mindful-bed-slug
There are lots of suggestions for therapy, but none demand the OP and his sister create a connection with their half-sibling.
If there’s no bond and no desire to create one, forced interactions won’t fix anything.