Big age gaps between siblings can affect their ability to form a bond. Especially if they're half siblings and have never shared a household.
A desire to bond is also critical, as connections can't be forced by outsiders.
An older half-brother with a close bond with his full sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
AdvanceFlimsy2383 asked:
"AITA for only taking care of my (full) little sister?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (30, male) have a younger sister (16, female), Lara. I've basically raised this girl like my daughter. I love her like she's my own child."
"Our mom died when Lara was a year old and I was 15. Our father was a wealthy man with a revolving door of younger women, who my sister grew up resenting."
"She goes to therapy and has PRN meds for anxiety. She is not being deprived of any help."
"Whatever our father was, he loved us both very much. He was a workaholic, which left me caring for my sister most of the time. Even though she had a nanny, she had extreme separation anxiety."
"When I started college, our father bought me an apartment so I didn't have to stay in a dorm. It turned into me raising my sister throughout college and business school."
"She stayed at my apartment with her nanny during school hours, and I took care of her when I came home. I never missed a single competition or spelling bee, even through school, which I don't regret."
"That's what I mean when I say I raised her."
"About three years ago, our father started dating a much younger woman (now 25, female). She got pregnant and gave birth to a daughter."
"I was never involved with the kid. One time, I took my sister to visit because our father requested it."
"It ended with her being an emotionally distraught mess for a week. She felt like she was being 'replaced'. Any time I brought up the kid, she would cry."
"So I refused to see the kid again."
"Our father died unexpectedly six months ago. He never married the woman, and she didn't get a penny in the will. My father wasn't stupid enough to live with her and establish common law rights."
"The kid got a small lump sum, but nothing like the trusts my sister and I received. I don't think he cared for the kid very much, but the woman wanted it. I used to joke to my sister that the girl was just a 'compromise kid'."
"Lately, the woman has started badgering me. She says she can't raise a child on her own and it's unfair that I'm protective of my sister, but won't do the same for my 'other sibling'."
"I don't feel it is unreasonable to prioritize the little girl I raised over some child my dad chose to have."
"I corrected her and said I had no relation or obligation to her child. Her child being around hurts my sister, and she is my priority."
"My sister is not special needs, but she is basically my child, and I treat her as such (like a child). I can't/won't spend time with this child because the mere mention of the kid has been detrimental to my sister's mental state, which, as her legal guardian/parent, I am obligated to protect."
"I have had my share of therapy. My sister is in therapy currently. I have no interest in a visitation schedule because I know if my sister finds out it will be horribly hard on her."
"I have a baby sister. She is sixteen. The other child is my father's child, whom I currently have zero relationship with."
"She got angry and said I can't spoil one sister and neglect another. She said her child doesn't have a father now and needs a male presence."
"I told her to contact my lawyer."
"Then she somehow got my sister's number and sent her texts calling her cruel for 'keeping' me away. I had to be up all night consoling my sister, telling her I wouldn't see this girl and she had nothing to worry about."
"I don't care if she's been a bit spoiled by me. I know that she's not going to end up pregnant by some older man who wouldn't even marry her (which one idiot I know chose to do)."
"I called the woman again and threatened legal action if she kept harassing my sister. I already blocked her from my sister's phone and preemptively blocked her on all social media (both mine and my sister's)."
"I'll be contacting my lawyer tonight and seeing if I can get a restraining order. Now she's calling my aunts and uncles, saying I'm vindictive and cruel."
"My sister is not an awful person. She is a young girl who has suffered a hell of a lot more than most people. Her mother died when she was a 1-year-old, and her father chose work and women over spending any time with her."
"I truly don't know what about emotional breakdown screams 'awful person'. She did not harm the kid, in fact she did a relatively good job of concealing her feelings when they met. She didn't scream at the baby. She was not an 'asshole' to the baby."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I have completely refused to see my father's other child who will be growing up fatherless."
"I could have been kinder, or maybe seen the child in secret while my little sister is at school—though I don't want to."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You don't owe any obligation to your dad's girlfriend or her child, even though she is biologically your half-sister. You don't have to step into your Dad's shoes and provide emotionally or financially, like they used to in the middle ages."
"But you need to get your sister some therapy, as she seems to have very insecure attachments despite your consistent input, and that will make her vulnerable in her adult relationships if it is not addressed." ~ mavenmim
"This reply really cuts to the heart of things. OP, you've already taken on a massive role far beyond what anyone should expect of a sibling, especially at such a young age."
"It's more than fair to draw boundaries when someone tries to pile on even more responsibility you never agreed to."
"You're not being heartless; you're protecting yourself and your sister. You've done more than enough. Anyone who thinks otherwise likely doesn't understand what it's like to carry so much on your shoulders for so long." ~ WhisperJeweel
"NTA. Why don't your uncles step up to be a male presence instead of increasing the load on somebody who has already raised a sibling while still a child themselves?" ~ bythebrook88
"Because they don't have money, honey! She's only interested in op as a 'male role model for one reason." ~ Amonette2012
"Also, OP cared for his sister (with a nanny's help) from the time she was born until the present, so from when he was a teen. Dad's girlfriend is struggling to care for her own child that she allegedly wanted at 25?"
"Yeah, no. She's mad her late boyfriend didn't leave her anything, and only left a small lump sum for her baby. OP is NTA, and should definitely report the girlfriend for harassing a minor." ~ fizzy_lime
"I read it as maybe she is looking for a replacement for the father. As OP is only a couple of years older than her, he would be prime material when looking for a new partner if she thinks that is where the money is." ~ This_Situation5027
"And doesn't the child's mother have any male relatives on HER side of the family who could step up and help the child out? If the mother is REALLY concerned about the lack of a male presence in her daughter's life rather than money, then that would be the best solution." ~ Royal-House-5478
Although some felt everyone was awful.
"ESH, but your late dad most of all. Your dad abandoned you right after your mother died, leaving you to face that grief and trauma alone. Poor 15-year-old child that you were. He should have been there for you."
"Your dad abandoned your full sister, leaving a traumatized teenager you to raise a traumatized infant. It was no accident that he got you that apartment. He was foisting his parenting duties off onto his grieving child."
"What a horrible thing to do. While the other college kids were dating and having fun, at 18 years old you were being the father that your own father refused to be. Imagine if your sister was raising a baby right now. Do you see how young she is?"
"You were even younger than that! Your a**hole dad made you the father of a pre-schooler when you were a teen. A grieving teen."
"Then he has ANOTHER kid and doesn't provide for her properly in his will."
"The 25-year-old was a fool to not get things nailed down for her kid, but that is not your problem."
"You and your full sister have no moral obligation to have any relationship with this baby, or to communicate with baby's mother. In fact it is better if you only communicate with her through lawyers."
"You and your sister are way too emotional and angry about the baby to be making any decisions regarding her. It will just get ugly and consume your life and your thoughts."
"For everyone's sake, you should have your lawyer figure out what, if anything, the baby is legally entitled to, and then settle up and MOVE ON."
"You and your sister both have trauma that can be seen from space. Seriously. Every word you wrote was dripping with unresolved trauma."
"Your sister's reaction to that baby was really extreme, and it is pretty obvious that the baby triggered her. You both would do well to get trauma-informed mental health support to unravel and process the extraordinarily painful things you two have been through."
"Lucky for you both, the main a**hole is dead. So you can use his money to work on healing from the emotional damage that man's neglect did to you both." ~ mindful-bed-slug
There are lots of suggestions for therapy, but none demand the OP and his sister create a connection with their half-sibling.
If there's no bond and no desire to create one, forced interactions won't fix anything.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp