A Redditor was enjoying an office party until things soured towards the end.
They thought they were being mindful about a coworker, but it appears they crossed a major line and are confused about how to deal with the aftermath.
So they visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgement from strangers online.
There, Redditor QueenCandyCo asked:
“AITA for telling a coworker about another coworker’s dietary restriction?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Recently we had an office party with lots of food. We made sure every dietary restriction was met (options for vegans, gluten free, kosher).”
“At the end of the party, all of the party, no one had touched the gluten free items. My coworker ‘G’ asked me if I wanted them or else she would throw them away. I said no, but I know our coworker ‘A’ was gluten free and it might be good to offer her the leftovers.
“So G goes over to A’s desk and says something along the lines of ‘hey I heard you were gluten free and wanted to know if you wanted these.’ A immediately turns around and gives me a nasty look. I was so confused.”
The OP continued:
“After G left, I went over to A’s desk and asked her what was wrong. She said that she was disgusted that I am telling her secrets to everyone. And that she doesn’t like people to know her personal business and this is one of those things she doesn’t like to tell others.”
“I was shocked. When A told me she was gluten free she mentioned it so casually when discussing recipes. She also never said anything about it being a secret. I told her this and that I was just trying to be nice by making sure someone who could use the food had it.”
“A said that I could have just taken them and asked her and that it’s just none of my business to spread around about her. She said it’s basically the same as outing someone’s sexuality. She has now been avoiding me at work for a week. We used to be good work friends.”
“I’m confused, yall. I really didn’t know dietary restrictions were supposed to be a secret. Maybe it’s just something I’m not aware about?”
“So please LMK, AITA for telling a coworker about another coworker’s dietary restriction?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. I am very severely allergic to peanuts and had you thought of me when you saw a peanut free dessert and you wanted to make sure I knew it was available and I could have it, I would have thought you were the kindest person in the world that you even remembered me, let alone went out of your way to tell me about it. And I say that as someone who is extremely private.” – LowBalance4404
“NTA.”
“Three reasons:”
“You didn’t disclose anything other than that she is gluten-free. This could be a dietary preference with zero basis in health, so it’s akin to announcing that A only writes with blue pens, never red or black. It doesn’t really tell the recipient of the information anything meaningful about a sensitive topic like health or religion.”
“Why should someone who couldn’t keep a secret (A told YOU after all) expect you to be able to keep it? In this case, she didn’t even mention it was a secret!”
“How dare she compare a lack of gluten in her diet to outing someone’s sexuality? Maybe I’ve been living under a rock but I haven’t exactly seen a glut of hate crimes against people avoiding gluten – last I checked, no one’s been beaten to death for refusing a donut, shunned from their community for opting for a bowl over a wrap at Chipotle.”
“Honestly, if she continues to cause you problems in the office and depending on how likely it is that you could get in some sort of ridiculous HR trouble, I’d go on the offensive with number 3 (to make sure you are the first one on record) and consider bringing a report to HR that she’s a) interfering with a civil environment and productive execution of your job duties and b) making outrageous statements that you find offensive on the face of it to a marginalized community.” – myironlions
“NTA.”
‘She said it’s basically the same as outing someone’s sexuality.’
“Except those things are not at all the same.”
‘dietary restrictions’
“For many people, eating gluten-free is a preference, not a medical restriction. While it absolutely can be, the ambiguity inherent there ensures that you’re not revealing anything when simply disclosing that status alone.” – StAlvis
“NTA. While I could respect A’s desire to keep her dietary restriction quiet, it has to be mentioned to the people she tells about it, or no one would know to keep it quiet. It’s not at all equivalent to mentioning someone’s sexuality, in that a food intolerance can be a safety issue that should be known by people in your office who need to know.”
“But even if it were the same, the same sentiment is true for someone’s sexuality, actually. If they do not indicate to you that it’s not to be said out loud, then there’s no reason not to say it out loud. You shouldn’t go announcing it randomly to all and sundry with a megaphone, but you wouldn’t think to hide it in casual conversation either if the topic came up.”
“A’s idea, that you would take the food yourself and offer it to her later is, honestly, dumb, in no small part because that’s extra work for you, puts you in the position of being A’s go-between and servant (which you did not sign up for), and lastly, because if the gluten-free food was untouched, A’s obviously one of the ones who didn’t touch it, right. and could just say she didn’t like it.” – rockology_adam
“NTA.”
“What the hell”
“Like I might understand if someone was in recovery and they didn’t want that secret shared, but this is a gluten allergy. They aren’t the same thing at all. And comparing it to sexuality is such a gross misstep.”
“People get attacked/harassed/fired over their sexuality. Saying you are gluten-free is nowhere in the same realm.” – Syric13
“NTA I’m gluten free, and I think your coworker is a weirdo. I will admit, in the beginning, over 15 years ago, I was shy about telling people. I was worried they’d think I was weird, or a hypochondriac or whatever. But it’s now a different time where people are so much more aware about dietary restrictions.”
“And even back then, if I’d experienced this situation, I’d have been thrilled that 1.) I didn’t have to bring it up, and 2.) you were treating it like it was no big deal, and 3.) there was something safe for me to eat.” – Sneezydiva3
“NTA You didn’t mean harm, but A clearly values her privacy, and you unintentionally crossed a line. Not everyone wants their dietary restrictions broadcasted. Next time just ask the person directly … Lesson learned but you’re not a bad person for it” – Younggod9
“NTA-But as someone with celiac her feelings come from most people literally treat us like sh*t. I don’t know why gluten free makes people respond the way they do (no one gives sh*t to dairy free people or diabetics and yeah I know sometimes it’s a choice but who the f’k cares it is a real thing mind your own business).”
“I’m sure she’s afraid it’s going to change how people treat/view her. I don’t think you were an a**hole in anyway though bc it was not intentional and if she cared she should have warned you.” – Skyward93
“NTA. as someone who is gf because celiac disease & Queer this comparison is bonkers. It’s nothing like outing someone, but she’s probably upset bc it’s a preference, not a requirement, to be gluten-free, hence why none of the gluten-free stuff was touched. she was probably embarrassed to be possibly exposed as being gf for non-medical reasons.”
“ftr gf preferences are fine & I’m glad the increased demand has created more options for us. but she sounds like she overreacted here. no one’s ever been hate-crimed or fired for refusing to eat gluten.”
“NTA. I’m allergic/intolerant to gluten. I try not to make a deal out of it, but I do avoid going to places with other people that I can’t have a single thing from (pastry/donut shops, similar stuff). I hate it and how it restricts my diet. I make a note of my restriction for work parties and such, and I am always appreciative of whatever is there that I can eat. Sometimes, they get gluten-free sweets. Those are the treats that I don’t usually splurge on and enjoy greatly at the parties.”
“The last party, the person cleaning up didn’t keep the gluten-free and regular cupcakes separated. I was pretty bummed out – I couldn’t risk taking home the ones they ‘thought’ were GF (there were a lot left, and mostly the GF ones, but they were mixed into one container). If a single person who was aware of my restriction had said something, which would have given me a chance to take them home, I would have been thrilled.”
“GF isn’t a stigma or bad thing, and I have no idea why someone would compare it to ‘outing someone’s sexuality’. It’s it possible they are ashamed of being GF because they have no allergy? Also crazy to be upset over – I know a lot of people that have removed it from their diet to address anything from eczema to stomach issues to just not feeling well.”
“You keep doing you and being thoughtful for others. Don’t let a bad response change anything.” – Meowsilbub
Redditors thought the OP did nothing wrong, and their unintentional overstepping was purely innocent.
Redditors also thought that “A” making a comparison to an LGBTQ+ person coming out was a false equivalency. If “A” was very serious about sharing their private information, they should have mentioned it was exclusive from the start.