Raising children certainly isn't easy, and being a parent who works overnight can add to the difficulty.
Finding the right person to care for your child while you're away is both an important and daunting task, as we only want what's best for our babies.
But should the demands placed on others caring for kids exceed what the parents themselves are expected to do?
A parent on Reddit became upset after the teenage babysitter hired to care for three children overnight slept through a baby crying, and he now wants her to set an alarm throughout the night so it doesn't happen again.
The Redditor's wife, however, is not on board with the idea, so they turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor One-Page5216 asked:
"AITA for asking our babysitter to set alarms when she sleeps?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I(34) have three children ages 7, 4 a 9 month old."
"I work a demanding job (in the medical field) and work many many hours, my wife not so much but she does have night shifts often."
"We just got a new babysitter a few months ago after our one we had for 2 years moved for college."
"Our new babysitter is only 16, but she had been babysitting one of my coworkers children for awhile and I trust him."
"A few nights ago my wife and I were both working nights and I saw on the camera that our babysitter was asleep on the couch and the baby had woken up was crying for almost 30 minutes while she slept."
OP was upset and voiced a solution.
"That bothered me, so without talking to my wife when I got home in the morning I had told my babysitter maybe she should set alarms throughout the night to make sure she's awake since the baby monitor didn't wake her and that it was not okay for her to leave the baby crying like that."
But not everyone was okay with this idea.
"I guess it hurt the kids feelings because she mentioned it to my wife and my wife is really upset with me because 'she's only 16' and what I was asking is unreasonable and that this has never happened before so again I'm being unreasonable and that I should've talked to her first because this could've been a 'learning experience.'"
"She also said I was completely out of line as well."
"I'm really not worried about a learning experience but am worried about the fact if my children are cared for properly."
"Aita?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole.
"I am curious why anyone thought a 16-year-old would fit the bill of a night nanny?"
"It amazes me that people with money always cheap out when it comes to paying for their children's sitters and nannies."
"You and your wife are both the a**holes in this scenario. YTA" - Top-Ad-2676
"YTA."
"If you want someone awake all night, then you need to hire an adult!"
"This child you hired needs to sleep at night so she can go to school and learn during the day."
"How can you, someone in the medical field, not understand how important sleep is to a growing body and brain?!" - MsFear
"YTA."
"You have a 16-year-old who I'm assuming is also a high school student watching 3 children overnight."
"She fell asleep (which was to be expected), and the baby monitor didn't wake her up."
"The correct answer would be that you need a new baby monitor that will wake her up, not for her to set an alarm that goes off every so often all night."
"If that's not acceptable to you, then it's time to hire an overnight nanny who is an adult instead of hiring a child to watch children." - SnooBunnies7461
"YTA: Don't hire a child and expect them to behave like a professional night nanny."
"You get what you pay for." - Impossible_Rain_4727
"YTA."
"You're paying her the going rate for one child when you have 3."
"It's actually illegal for a minor to work those hours."
"So, you're cheap and unethical." - Disastrous-Nail-640
"Is that 16-year-old aware that you were able to watch them???"
"Look, you either trust them or you don't."
"YTA" - SusanfromMA
"YTA."
"It is totally unreasonable to expect a 16-year-old who is also at school in her final years to act as a professional night nanny."
"You are expecting that child to compromise her schooling and welfare."
"If you want someone who will attend to the children fully overnight, you need to hire someone whose formal job it is to do that and pay them accordingly."
"What you should have done is realized that it is not possible or appropriate for a 16-year-old to handle an overnight babysitting job on your terms."
"While you could still have offered her more short-term jobs, like an evening or afternoon, you should have found someone else for a full night shift."
"Also, adult parents sleep through their children crying when exhausted."
"It's not neglectful; it's called being human." - msfinch87
"YTA."
"When you're home overnight do YOU stay awake all night/set alarms every 15 minutes to wake up and check on the kids?"
"I'm assuming no…just ask her to turn up the volume of the monitor?" - kornbobroxiee
"Seems like YTA."
"You're unreasonably to have someone set alarms to check throughout the night."
"So many things to consider here."
"How much are you paying the teenager? Does her shift start at night and she is expected to stay up? Was that part of the agreement?"
"Seems like the first time it happened."
"Get a better system for her to hear the baby."
"This seems like a job for a professional caregiver, not a minor." - Y-wood-U-dew-sap
"YTA"
"You are exploiting this underage child."
"You have an underage 16-year-old child you are exploiting working babysitting overnights for three children, including an infant."
"If you want someone to be awake all night with an infant, you need to be paying a professional night nanny who is an ADULT and compensated appropriately."
"This child needs to rest properly so she can be in school the following day, and as a medical professional, you should understand that." - dragonsandvamps
"YTA hire an adult to watch your kids cheapskate."
"You're putting your kids at risk by leaving them in the care of a literal child overnight." - thenexttimebandit
"YTA for demanding that an underpaid child stay awake all night."
"Hire an adult and pay a proper wage."
"The listed average in Memphis is $20.43 an hour for a single infant."
"You'd need to add $17 an hour for the other two minimum to be paying competitively." - Jenos00
"A child watching an infant overnight nice, no matter what YTA." - AdBroad
"YTA - buy a better baby monitor or just discuss it."
"Constantly waking up isn't the solution." - jrm1102
"Maybe don't have a child who needs their sleep at night to watch your kids, YTA" - Thesexyone-698
"Yta, the 16yo also has to live her life during the day."
"If you want a night nanny, then hire one and be prepared to pay for it." - No-Locksmith-8590
"If you were really worried about your kids being taken care of properly, you wouldn't leave them with a 16-year-old. You're properly underpaying and having her work overnight."
"YTA" - agirlsknowsthings
"YTA."
"Set an alarm to wake her up? Like how often? Every 15 minutes?"
"That was the best idea you had for how to remedy the situation?"
"For crying out loud, she's 16!!"
"When I was a teen, bombs wouldn't wake me up."
"Turning up the baby monitor or buying one that's louder should've been your first thought."
"And I hope you forewarned her when she was hired that you would be monitoring the baby monitor and her too."
"Also, btw $20/hr for 3 kids, one an infant overnight is really cheap."
"You've been defending yourself in all the comments you've responded to, so I have to wonder why you bothered coming here in the first place if you weren't prepared to take instruction."
"Here you go: either lower your expectations of a 16 yo babysitter or hire an adult overnight nanny (as others have suggested) and pay their going rate and get your peace of mind with a slightly emptier wallet." - Global_Look2821
"YTA."
"You leave your three children - 1 of whom is an infant - with a 16-year-old overnight?!"
"You're skimping on childcare."
"You're really rolling those dice, eh?" - feetflatontheground
"YTA."
"Setting an alarm isn't going to ensure she wakes up the second your infant wakes up."
"You are expecting the impossible."
"The baby cried. Babies cry."
"What do you do when you or your wife don't wake up the second the baby wakes up?"
"It sounds like you need a nanny (who still might not wake up the second your baby wakes up), or you need to ensure one of you is home at night." - sheramom4
According to other Redditors, the OP seems to have more pressing matters to consider than just the sitter sleeping through a crying baby.
Either the OP needs to pay for someone willing to meet those demands, or the OP needs to realize that everyone will eventually sleep through the noise.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp