Generally, when we meet our partner’s family for the first time, we want to be on our best behavior.
But sometimes, something will come up that we simply cannot let go, first impressions be darned, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
For Redditor HeWhoSoughtTheFire, that was the final bill for an introductory family dinner before the wedding day.
Everything at the dinner went well, except for the fact that four extra family members showed up unannounced, and when that increased the dinner bill by $200, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t speak up, but he did the next “best” thing… He made them pay for it.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for asking my fiancée’s relatives to pay for themselves after they brought uninvited guests to our pre-wedding dinner?”
The OP looked forward to an introductory family dinner with his in-laws.
“I (30 Male) am engaged to my fiancée (29 Female), and we’re getting married this fall.”
“Last weekend, we hosted a small pre-wedding dinner. Just a chill evening for our immediate families to meet, talk, and celebrate a bit before the real wedding chaos begins.”
“We reserved a table at a mid-range restaurant we both like (good food, not crazy expensive). We confirmed 14 guests: our parents, siblings, plus two friends from the wedding party.”
“Everything was set. I even called ahead to double-check the headcount.”
But then, extra people appeared at the event.
“We show up and her family brings four extra people: her cousin and his wife (who were ‘visiting anyway’), her sister’s boyfriend, and (weirdly?) his teenage daughter.”
“They said it was last-minute and ‘hope that’s okay.'”
“The staff were gracious, though somewhat surprised. They had to push another table over and reshuffle the whole seating plan.”
“We ended up waiting around 15 minutes, apologizing to the servers. Not a disaster, but definitely awkward. Dinner itself was fine. Everyone had a good time. We had mains, some shared appetizers, and a few bottles of wine, nothing too wild.”
When it came time to pay the bill, the OP had a plan.
“But when the check came, it was a bit over $850. We’d expected around $650 based on the confirmed guests and menu.”
“So, I quietly asked the server to split the extras’ meals from the rest. I paid for the 14 we planned for.”
“The extra ~$200 from the uninvited guests? I felt that wasn’t really on us.”
“Everyone paid without fuss, but her cousin seemed confused.”
The OP’s partner lashed out at him later for splitting the bill.
“Her sister didn’t say anything at the time, but later, my fiancée told me she felt embarrassed and that I made her family feel unwelcome. She said I ‘could have just let it go for one night’ and brought it up later.”
“I said I didn’t want to pretend everything was fine while people ignored basic plans we made together. She said it felt like I turned a family dinner into a ‘power move’ over money.”
“Now things are somewhat weird between us… So, was I wrong?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was bad manners to show up without an invitation.
“NTAH. It’s uncouth to show up to a dinner uninvited and expect the host to pay for said dinner at a restaurant. The first thing I would have said if I brought an uninvited guest right after asking if it’s okay would have been to say, don’t worry, I’ll cover their meal.”
“It’s not a free-for-all, and how do they know how much you had budgeted for the meal? There’s a head count for a reason and then a confirmation of the headcount for a reason.” – Snoo-77094
“Not only were they not invited guests, they had zero reason to be there. Those invited were parents, siblings, and members of the wedding party. They could have dined elsewhere and met back up at the parents’ house.”
“Gauche and mannerless.” – BefuddledPolydactyls
“‘She said it felt like I turned a family dinner into a ‘power move’ over money.’ No, the mooching family tried to turn a pre-wedding dinner into a “power move” and got butthurt with your reverse uno. As did your doormat fiancée.”
“And this is a big, fat head’s up that they will likely bring along more uninvited people to your wedding and reception – and of course your fiancée will tell you to suck it up.” – PrideofCapetown
“Even if you were a millionaire with money to burn, they shouldn’t have brought extra people and expected you to pay for it. Or even be okay with it.” – LibraryMouse4321
“NTA, but you might want to check with your fiancée if she okayed the extra people. She should be embarrassed by her family for being entitled and not you. This is giving me an aura of ‘sure, you can bring them, he won’t care,’ and being embarrassed that you did indeed care.” – Tired_Mama3018
Others agreed and said the guests and the people who invited them could pay.
“NTA. You planned and agreed on a certain number of guests. These people brought four uninvited people, who were not your guests. Why would you pay for people who weren’t your guests and you didn’t invite?”
“They tried to get a free meal out of you by hoping you didn’t have a spine and wouldn’t say anything. They tried to bully you into feeding four people you didn’t invite. Nothing was stopping your fiancé from paying for the freeloaders. You set the tone that this crap won’t be tolerated.” – Vandreeson
“OP, I think you might need to gently explore this with your fiancé.”
“Her family caused a 30% cost overrun on your pre-wedding dinner.”
“If it’s not a big deal to them to change plans (without notice to you) and cause 30% higher cost for a hosted dinner, is it gonna not be a big deal to add guests to the wedding reception or change the menu or… without notice to you?”
“I think you need to explore where HER boundaries are and what behavior from her family she expects you to ‘let it go for one night’?” – Constant_Hoest_3212
“NTA. I think you handled it well. In what world is it socially acceptable to show up to a hosted dinner with four uninvited guests? The fact they didn’t offer to pay for them is an additional level of rudeness.” – privacy6310
“Them joining is odd, but not that big a deal in itself. But what I recommend you dig into is why your fiancé allowed it. Most likely, she knew in advance there were extras coming. Most likely also some dumb test.”
“The alternative is that she’s spineless and won’t stand up for you in marriage and will let her family run over her. Regardless of which it is, I recommend you get to the bottom of it before marriage.”
“The fact that they brought the sister’s boyfriend’s TEEN DAUGHTER? Just no way it was an accidental four people. Pretty sure the teen daughter of a random boyfriend would have preferred to stay home instead of going to a literal stranger’s pre-wedding celebration.”
“So the whole thing smells deliberate, OP, and I’m betting dollars to donuts your fiancé is somehow “in” on it.” – anotherdropin
“Why didn’t his fiancée pay up if she didn’t want to be embarrassed? No, you do not pay for uninvited guests. Fiancée is the a**hole.” – Shadow4summer
“This dinner isn’t a dealbreaker, OP, but I hope it prompts a very serious discussion with her about money and expectations. Include other options if you find yourself in this situation again. Tell her you aren’t paying for uninvited guests, so that’s not an option on the table.”
“If she doesn’t like what you did (uninvited guests pay for themselves), then ask her if she would prefer that you have the check split as you did, with you graciously covering the agreed-upon guests and your fiancée paying the additional?”
“Or should you have just, as a couple (since it is HER family, she must take ownership of handling them), declined to seat them with the group right from the outset? Or… what other option does she propose? And again, you just paying for it is off the table.”
“Let her know that these kinds of boundary-pushes by her family are a test, and you’re going to begin as you mean to go on; you’re not having it, period. Her family doesn’t get to walk all over you and/or treat you like an ATM. Options should all revolve around HER handling HER family, and you handling yours.”
“Even how she’s phrasing her response is frankly offensive, saying you turned it into a power move. YOU didn’t turn dinner into a power move, her family did when they added four extra people to your party of 14 with no discussion, and expected you to pay for it. She needs to take her blinders off in regards to her family. They pulled the power move, and were p**sy when you shut it down.” – katybean12
But a few were concerned about how the OP handled this situation.
“YTA. You should have asked your fiancée how she wanted to handle it. That’s her family. The way you handled it embarrassed your fiancé and alienated her family all over $200. You left your partner out of the decision.”
“It was a total d**k move on the parents’ part to invite people to a dinner they didn’t plan and aren’t paying for. Switching sides for a moment, I would have called ahead to ask if it would be alright if I bought a few more people, I’d be happy to call the restaurant to adjust the reservation and IF I PAID for them.”
“But the person this hurt most was your fiancée. You owe her an apology.” – totally-jag
“It was absolutely rude and insulting for your future in-laws to invite people without your consent, and then expect you to pay….. but I have to be honest and say I think OP over-corrected here and absolutely made a power move by passive-aggressively having the poor waiter do your dirty work by splitting the bill.”
“All of this could have been avoided with a few honest moments. You absolutely owe your fiancée an apology. You are a team, start making decisions like one.” – BenButtonInReverse
“Was this the first time meeting the family? If so, it’s an odd choice to die on this hill rather than just pay and have your fiancée talk to her parents later about not adding extra guests in the future.”
“If it was a pattern of mooching, then yes, say something, but the first time… It’s not even weird that they assumed your Sil’s partner would be included in the first place. YTA.” – starchy2ber
“I don’t think OP is an AH for not wanting to pay, but YTA for how you handled it… or rather ESH…”
“Yes, the extra guests shouldn’t have shown up… but OP unilaterally deciding without consulting fiancee, and just having the server send them their bill at the end of the night is just cringeworthy… There’s no need to blow all of this up over $200.”
“OP could have said at the beginning that, ‘We’re happy to have you join us, but we’re on a tight budget for the wedding and for tonight, so I hope the extra guests don’t mind paying for themselves.'”
“Still awkward, but then at least NTA…” – Driftwood256
“YTA… While I understand why you did what you did and, for the most part, I agree with it, this was not just your decision to make alone. This was your fiancée’s family. Did you say anything at all to her before the check came? Did you tell her your feelings and why you felt you should not have to pay for the extra guests, and how you should go about handling this?”
“Were these joint funds? Or did you pay from your own account? If they were joint, you should have definitely talked to fiancée before making a solo decision. If only your funds, you should have told fiancee you would only be paying for invited guests, and she could either pay for the extra guests or talk to her relatives about doing so.” – Worth-Season3645
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
“Thanks for all the comments, it was very cool to read different opinions (unfortunately, I can’t possibly answer everyone!). So, we had a talk. It wasn’t super dramatic or anything, just… kind of weird.”
“But her relatives texted me later saying, ‘no worries,’ and that they didn’t mean to cause issues, which was quite decent of them.”
“My fiancée is still a little distant, though. She said she needs time to think about “how we handle stuff as a couple”, so I guess we’ll see.”
While everyone could understand the trouble extra guests could cause and could see how inconsiderate it was to add to the bill, the subreddit was divided over how the OP handled the situation.
On the one hand, it was best to not set a precedent that the family could do whatever they want without consequence, but maybe for one evening, while everyone was getting acquainted, the OP could have handled this or at least his involved his partner for guidance.