Weddings are meant to be tailored to the couple getting married. Not to the expectations of the groom’s aunt who he’s not even close with.
And sometimes it takes a daughter to help her mom realize that.
Redditor daughtersdresses encountered an issue with their daughter. So they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
AITA for wanting my daughters to wear nice dresses at their cousin’s wedding?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My nephew is getting married in July and my husband, our daughters (19, 15, 4), and I were invited. We were told this is going to be a casual outdoor wedding at the park.”
“My nephew’s fiance is getting her wedding dress from a pawn shop and I have no idea where she’s getting the bridesmaid dresses but I’ve seen them and they’re not something that you’d expect to wear at a wedding. They’re church dresses at best.”
“I told my daughters that I don’t care if the bridesmaids or even the bride chooses not to look presentable but if we’re going to a wedding on the other side of the country with family we haven’t seen in at least 3 years, we’re going to look good.”
“I asked my older two what they were going to wear and my oldest showed me her prom dress and my middle said she couldn’t decide and walked out of her room with 3 of her church/homecoming dresses.”
“Two of them were $50 from a boutique near us and the third was from the Macy’s children’s section (middle is tiny). They’re nice dresses but I would never let her wear them to a wedding.”
OP had a different dress in mind.
“I pulled out a dress that she wore at another wedding and told her I wanted her to wear that. She said no because her cousin said causal and she doesn’t want to upstage anyone.”
“I tried telling her it’s their choice not to dress for the occasion and that I’m not paying for her to fly across the country just to wear any old dress. She also was upset that I’m taking her to get her hair, nails, and makeup professionally done before the wedding and we will be taking pictures while we’re there.”
“She still refused and ran to tell my mom (nephew’s grandma) that I won’t let her wear what she wants and that I’m trying to upstage my nephew’s fiance (I’m not trying to upstage anyone, I just want my daughters to look their best when they see family members that they haven’t seen in years).”
“My mom said I’m going overboard and to let the girls wear their church dresses.”
“I told her my girls will be dressed formally no matter what everyone else is wearing and she threatened to buy my middle daughter a new dress to wear and take her nails and makeup off because she wants to follow the dress code.”
“My husband thinks I’m going overboard and I should let her wear what she wants but my oldest agrees with me.”
“We can’t settle this so I wanted to know if I was wrong in this situation.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“YTA. You’re going to be upstaging the wedding party, which is tackier than showing up dressed down.”
“My mom taught me ‘good etiquette is knowing which fork to use. Good manners is using the wrong one when your guest does.’ Your perspective on wedding etiquette is second to their wishes.”
“Your opinion on what a wedding should or should not be shouldn’t trump what the bride and groom want and have requested. This isn’t your day, it’s theirs.” ~ EwokCafe
“Agreed. I also think the fifteen year old has lived a lifetime of second hand embarrassment from OP’s antics.” ~ Slugdirt
“Also the girls and her husband will be lumped together with OP with assuming they willingly took part in the upstaging.”
“They also will unfortunately, and most likely, receive backlash from it (at least until their name is cleared by grandma and OP is shown as the true mastermind).”
“Also is OP just dressing up her daughters or is she also dressing up? Because imo if she is just dressing up her daughters she is putting a target on their backs from the rest of the family (I mean she would already be doing that but even more so).”
“Upstaging the wedding party, like the initial commenter said, will look worst to their family than looking ‘under dressed/less fancy’ for their first appearance in 3 years.”
“This is a BIG wedding taboo and unspoken rule: do NOT upstage or try to out fancy the wedding party/bride.”
“OP if you don’t want to fly your family over just to wear ‘tacky’ clothes then do everyone a favor and (although it sucks for your kids) stay home if you will or want to go thru with your plan.”
“Also wedding upstages in AITA or other subs are usually from the perspective of MIL, mother of the bride, or bride, with the MIL and mother trying or did upstage and the bride setting boundaries or getting upset at the wedding for the upstaging.”
“This is a new one for me: Aunt of the groom (aunt in law…?) Trying to upstage the bride.” ~ TheoryAddict
OP needs to check with the bride on what is appropriate attire.
“YTA- This is someone’s wedding. Not your wedding. And definitely not your family’s Christmas card photo shoot. Making yourself and your kids dress ‘formally’ instead of following the guest code that has been set by the couple is rude and an AH move.”
“You care so much about how your family will look to people they haven’t seen in years, that you’re pushing them to look rude, ill mannered, and pretentious.”
“Do you think that’s going to impress your family members? Hopefully your family knows you well enough to realize you are the rude, tacky individual that forced your daughters to behave that way as well. They shouldn’t come off looking like crappy people just because you are.” ~ MrsBarneyFife
“Agreed, they are going to look really bad. Like they are overcompensating for something. Not a good look.” ~ Tulipsniperpewpew
“I especially enjoyed the part that they were going to take pictures.”
“When? After dinner, in front of everyone? That’s so rude. If they dress how she insists, they’re already going to look like pretentious snobs, especially to the bride’s family.”
“You can tell by her writing that she doesn’t approve of the bride’s (mostly) and groom’s choices. I wonder if it’s even occurred to OP that there may be some activities they won’t be able to participate in because they’ll be dressed so formally. Of course, I imagine she’ll look down her nose on those types of activities anyways.” ~ MrsBarneyFife
There’s a reason why dress codes exist.
“Anybody else take note that she likely wants the wedding photographer to take their family photos ‘while they’re there’ and plans to hijack them from doing their actual job they’ve been paid to do so that she doesn’t have to pay for it on her own?”
“This lady is just classy all around! We should all aspire to have this level of classy in all of our endeavors!” ~ Disastrous_Reality_4
“Yes! I was just thinking how embarrassing it is for her daughters to walk into a room in formal dresses when everyone is in church dresses. Also 100% agree that is very rude to dress formally when the bride and groom wanted a casual wedding. It’s not your wedding, back off.” ~ bowchicataowow
“This whole post sounds almost too ridiculous to be real.”
“OP is entirely convinced they are in the right, and flat out says that even if they are in the wrong, it doesn’t matter because they are all going to dress a certain way no matter what. What then is the point of turning to reddit?”
“This person doesn’t give a sh*t what a single person they care about in real life has to say, why on earth would they value the opinions of total strangers on a reddit sub? What is the point, other than trolling for outrage?” ~ Youcannotbeforreal2
“My guess is that it’s unlikely this is the first time OP has pulled a stunt like this, so I think they will probably think, ‘Oh, well, OP hasn’t changed – still up to her old crap’.”
“In fact, my hunch is that everyone else in the family is placing bets on whether OP overdresses for the wedding, and all the smart money is on ‘Yes’.” ~ perry649
“YTA. It sounds like you are trying to upstage them. If seeing people you haven’t seen in a long time is so important to you, you should have visited them sooner.”
“A prom dress to a causal wedding? Overkill.”
“If I were the bride I’d be slightly pissed. That’s why they tell you a dress code in the first place.”
“It’s not your day. The day is not about people seeing your girls dressed up. The day is to celebrate a wedding. Stop trying to upstage it and justify it by saying ‘it’s not my fault they decided to have a more causal wedding.’ It’s 110% your fault to purposely outdo them on their day.” ~ 926dr
“Outdressing the wedding party is tackier than half dried paint. If you want to ‘show off’ for family you haven’t seen in 3 years, dress up at a dinner at a restaurant or something.”
“You DID say you are travelling across country; I assume you are staying more than a single day.”
“Your repeated insistence at dressing up when informed by ALL other members of your family that it is casual feels like you are looking down on this side of the family and your true intention is to show them up, that you are snootier than they are.”
“If you can’t agree to a simple request from the engaged couple, why did you accept the invite? 100% the asshole.” ~ Proof-Bill-6434
“YTA, big time. You don’t show up in formal clothes to a casual event, full stop.”
“Their day, their call. If you can’t follow the dress code, don’t show up.”
“Otherwise the conversation for years to come is going to revolve around how you can’t follow basic instructions and ended up upstaging the bride. Even if that’s not your intent, that’s how it will read.” ~ PapaWolf1978
“A prom dress to a casual wedding? You and your daughters are gonna be so embarrassed, sticking out like a sore thumb, and you don’t even know it.”
“Wow. And this is coming from someone who loves fancy clothes. Enjoy the side eyes and glares.”
“And in case it isn’t clear, YTA.” ~ PunkSpaceAutist
“YTA. There is a very clear dresscode, and blatantly ignoring said dress code is an absolute no go.”
“Imagine you would go to a wedding where the dress code is evening gown and suits, and you turn up in light summer dress from a thrift shop. That would be the exact same thing you are doing, but I guess this way around is easier for you to understand.”
“In fact what you are doing is even worse, because you are knowingly trying to upstage the bridal party, another huge no go.”
“Why not wear a white dress to get the full trifecta of 3 worst wedding faux pas ? I mean you are already doing 2, might as well go all the way.”
“What makes you think you have the right to decide how people should be dressed at someone else´s wedding ? You got a very clear dress code, and you have to stick to it or simply not go if it is such a big deal to you.”
“That would be 10 times better and less insulting than what you are doing. Yes you are upstaging hem, and it says a lot that you do no want to admit that.”
“If you really had not realized that what you are doing equals upstaging the bride you woud have a very different reaction to that. Intsead you try to gaslight everybody and claim this is not upstaging, when everybody tells you it is.”
“Now you do not have to be honest with us, but be honset with yourslf, why is it SO important to you to do this ? And don´t try to give us this BS that you just want them to look good in front of the other family.”
“They are ALL sticking to lthe dresscode, so you will NOT look good to the other family. You will stick out like a sore thumb, and please don´t even try to tell us you did not realize that.”
“So what is the real reason here ? At least be honest to yourself and answer that question to yourself. Why do you need to upstage your whole family, not just the bridal party, but all of them?” ~ hicctl
Gotta go with Reddit on this one.