Watching their children slowly grow up into adults brings parents simultaneous joy and stress.
While parents are proud to see all their children accomplish as they begin to make their way through life, there are also some things which often take some getting used to.
Namely as their children begin to bring home romantic partners.
Redditor zozzlest and their wife were beginning to develop a good relationship with the girlfriend of their 22-year-old son.
But after putting their foot down over one particular rule, the original poster (OP) found their relationship with their son beginning to strain.
Wondering if this rule was out of line, the (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not letting my son’s girlfriend spend the night at our house?”
The OP explained how they were less than pleased to discover that their son broke a cardinal rule of their household, and told him in no uncertain terms that couldn’t it happen again.
“My son (22) has a girlfriend (20).”
“She’s a nice girl: respectful towards me and my wife, getting a degree at a top university, and I think they’re a good match for each other.”
“My son lives with me and he’s about to finish community college this Fall.”
“They started dating about a year ago.”
“We live in the San Francisco area and she lives about 20 minutes away from us when there is no traffic. but in this city there usually is.”
“A few months ago, I found out that she had spent the night without asking us.”
“Naturally I got upset with my son, I told him that she was NOT allowed to spend the night, he understood and they haven’t done it since.”
“Recently, he told me that he doesn’t like her driving home when they hang out late and that he feels that it’s ‘unsafe’ for her to drive home alone past 12am through SF and over the bay bridge.”
“He says he’s worried she’ll get robbed, or worse, or she’ll fall asleep driving.”
“She lives with her parents who let him spend the night whenever he wants, and he says I should allow her to do the same, at least when they have a late event.”
“Since he did it without asking me and my wife the first time, I’m not letting her stay.”
“AITA for not letting my son’s girlfriend spend the night at our house?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
For the most part, the Reddit community took the side of the OP’s son, finding the OP to clearly be the a**hole in this situation.
Most agreed that not only is the OP’s son an adult and can do whatever he likes, making their son and girlfriend drive at late hours of the night put both of them in unnecessary danger.
“When I was your son’s age, I flipped my car in an ice storm because my mother’s advice for driving home from my boyfriend’s house was ‘well, you don’t have a choice because you can’t stay the night with that boy’.”
“She has felt guilty about that car accident for 15 years.”
“’I’d rather a young person that my son cares about have a car accident or be robbed than allow her to sleep under my roof despite her being a consenting adult because…my rules’.”
“Is that about right?”
“He’s an adult.”
“She’s an adult.”
“They’re in an adult relationship.”
“I think you need to accept that her safety is more important than your ‘morals’.”
“Welcome to 2022.”
“Where we care about other people rather than the vague social construct of ‘no sex before marriage’.”
“If he stops visiting as much so he can spend time with his partner without being concerned for her safety then you’ll know why.”
“So what’s more important to you?”
“Or enforcing ‘my house my rules’ on two consenting adults?”- shpphgojfjdjf
“After you’re adult son heard you were upset about something he apologized and adjusted his behavior.”
“When he came to you it was out of safety concerns.”
“But because of one in fraction that they clearly adjusted for outshines all of the good?”
“What are you worried about happening?”
“It’s already happening.”
“Update your old fashioned mind set.”- MarialeegRVT
“What a weird power trip to have.”- Admirable-Disaster03
“You are lucky.”
“You have a decent relationship with your adult son, and like his girlfriend, who may be around for a while.”
“Don’t blow it.”
“Your son was using good judgement by having his guest stay over, when it was late.”
“He is making a rational decision to do so, you are making an emotional and power trippy decision by forbidding it.”-ScarcityDazzling5623
“I’m honestly surprised she continues to come over instead of having your son sleep over.”
“I’m not sure why you need to give permission for your adult son to have a guest stay over, but now you’re not even giving them the option to ask permission.”
“That makes YTA.”- Infinite-Garbage3243
“Grow up.”- Helpful_Welcome9741
“And you weren’t ‘naturally’ upset, you were ridiculously upset.”
“These are two adults.”- Acceptable-Jelly-768
“Do you not care about her safety?”
“As someone familiar with SF, we both know it is not ideal to have a young girl out driving alone after dark.”
“Is there a guest room?”
“Or maybe a couch?”
“I get that you may have objections to unmarried sex under your roof but if they want to have sex they don’t need your house to do it.”
“It was very respectful for your son to come to you with his safety concerns.”
“Learn to bend a little.”- ParticularReview4129
“Have you ever actually met your son and noticed how old he is?”- FrogGob
“This is the type of sh*t that drives families apart.”
“NTA for setting your own house rules, but soft YTA for completely shutting down the possibility of them asking you first and giving you the opportunity to make a decision based on individual circumstances.”
“I had to move back in with my parents for awhile when I was 31 due to various things, including the covid lockdown.”
“My parents have always had the rule that I was not allowed to have boyfriends in my room or to have them spend the night.”
“When I moved back in, I discussed this with them, and I explained that I couldn’t go back to living like I was 16 again, where my partner and I are only allowed to spend time together in the common areas of the house.”
“They understood and said I could have my partner in my room as much as I want, but that they still weren’t comfortable with him spending the night.”
“I didn’t argue.”
“They didn’t charge me any rent, and they took over my car and mobile payments until I was working again, with no expectation of me paying them back for it.”
“When they would go on trips, I would ask them if I could have my partner stay at the house with me and they always said yes.”
“There’s a respectful compromise in the middle, but you need to open to it.”
“If not, you might end up harming your relationship with your son.”
“Are you sure this is worth it?”– WickedPanda88
However, there were others who felt that the OP was justified, under the “my house, my rules” mindset.
“Sounds like your son needs his own place.”
“It’s a strict rule, but it is your house, so.”
“Against the grain but NTA.”
“A lot of people are immediately dismissing OP as old fashioned but he may be opposed to them spending the night due to religious reasons and if that’s the case then I honestly think that is fair.”
“They aren’t actively stopping it happen he just doesn’t want to be exposed to it in their own home, which to me is no different than a vegan not wanting meat prepared in their house.”
“His son is 22 if he wants to stay with his girlfriend why can’t he get his own place.”
“No rent is mentioned so I agree with other comments that if he is a tenant then that does change things slightly but if not I do think OP is allowed to make this decision that to clarify I’m not onboard with but understand.”- macfo135
“your house, your rules.”
“If you son has concerns about her driving late, tell her to leave early.”
“It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with respecting the household rules that have been set in place.”- Fabulous-Ad2675
“NTA, your house, your rules.”
“If they don’t like your rules, they need to get a reality check and get their own place.”
“If they really are responsible adults, they will make the effort to work with the rules being placed and make arrangements like leaving for her home early or have your son accompanying her home safely.”
“It’s clearly the dad’s house and he has his right to set up his rules in place or choose not to host his son’s girlfriend overnight if it’s not a dire emergency while potentially disrupt the privacy and boundaries of everyone in the house.”
“If the couple has some ‘other motive’ to stay over the night, they best be transparent than expect his parents to take a hint and breach that trust his parents have with him.”
“Otherwise, that’s just being disrespectful.”
“It’s still his dad’s place.”
“Get a room someplace else to do it then.”- enperry13
If the OP’s son was a teenager, one imagines this would have gotten a more unanimous consensus that the OP was in the right..
But even then, if their son’s girlfriend was their till a very late hour, surely the polite thing would still have been to offer to let her sleep on the sofa at least?
Could the OP be enforcing this rule as a means of getting their son to move out?
One almost hopes so, as one imagines that to be a very likely possibility now.