Weddings are a time to celebrate and rejoice.
So of course everyone who loves the newlyweds wants to be in attendance.
But sometimes the invite gets lost in the mail.
And that can be a problem.
Case in point…
Redditor Elopethrowawaysdhf wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for wanting space after our daughter eloped?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (47 M[ale) and my wife (53 F[emale]) are having some troubles and a friend suggested posting here.”
“Our daughter Toni (24) decided to elope and we found out through a Facebook post.”
“We always had a good relationship so this was a huge shock to us.”
“It hurt us a lot that she didn’t even tell us she was going to marry or that we could see her get married at all.”
“It also doesn’t help that who she married we met once and only dated for a year.”
“Both my wife and I are hurt.”
“We saw Toni today and told her we needed some space.”
“She seemed shocked and asked why.”
“We told her it’s because we are hurt that she eloped.”
“Toni got mad and told us that is was her wedding and she can do what she wants.”
“My wife told her yes it’s her wedding but there are still consequences with her eloping.”
“Toni called us unsupportive jerks and left.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
NTA – Not The A**hole
YTA – You’re The A**hole
NAH – No A**holes Here
ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“You are allowed to be hurt and allowed to want space.”
“Your daughter hurt you even if she didn’t mean too.”
“It sucks not to see your kid get married or find out on facebook.”
“If you need space then take it. NAH.” ~ Solid_Quote9133
“My boyfriend’s son just did this to us 2 weeks ago while he was on a big family vacation with his mom and sisters family.”
“Sent us a text of the wedding ring.”
“We were shocked and hurt we weren’t told when they decided.”
“They could have give us a heads up or even FaceTime us in!”
“Sucked because my boyfriend and his son are super close.”
“We are finally over it now.”
“Definitely need time to process and communicate with her why you are hurt.” ~ TelevisionBeautiful6
“I think it’s fine to elope.”
“I also think if you have a decent relationship with your parents, you pick up the phone and call them pretty soon after the wedding.” ~ Elaine_Benes_Lovr
“My husband and I eloped.”
“When we finally told our parents (2 weeks later).”
“I called and let them know before putting it out in the world.”
“My mom would have lost her shit if she found on out on Facebook.”
“As it is, 8 years later, I’m still getting snide remarks from both sets of parents about it.” ~ Weary-Argument6835
“That’s how I found out my brother was married.”
“Took me a little bit to get over it.”
“We are all close now.”
“I understand needing some space to process and not react overly emotionally when you’re hurt. NAH.” ~ WhyIsThereBacon
“NTA. I think the most disrespectful thing was that op and his wife found out through Facebook.”
“If she wanted to elope fine that’s her choice.”
“They didn’t have to like it.”
“But if so believe it would have went along way for their daughter to call and say mom and dad hey it was supper last minute but we got married.”
“I am getting ready to post it but wanted you guys to know first.”
“I think taking space is the best thing you and your wife should do.”
“Take a small trip the two of you.” ~ Lonely_Shelter_4744
“Just to play “Devil’s Advocate” here…”
“It’s hard to say how quickly the parents found out (unless I’m missing some info somewhere).”
“And it’s possible Toni had intended to tell them as quickly as possible, but didn’t get the chance before the cat got out of the bag.”
“Wedding days are pretty busy, and pretty much encompass all of the time of those involved.”
“I’ve had close family get married in this fashion, and found out after the fact, and it does hurt, feeling excluded.”
“But I had to realize that it wasn’t about me and my feelings, it was about the couple, and what works best for them.”
“Toni’s new husband has hard hours at work, to the point where he can’t even commit to a Friday night dinner.”
“For all we know, this was a spur-of-the-moment decision, and daughter didn’t have time to process what consequences might come from not letting close family members in on the details.”
“I’m not saying that OP and Wife are the AHs for how they’re taking it.”
“I’m just saying that we don’t know that Daughter was holding back announcements vindictively.”
“But maybe it all just happened really quickly.” ~ PsychologicalScale57
“I agree! Toni is allowed to have the wedding she wants and OP is allowed his feelings.”
“Overall, NAH, but to find out via Facebook is definitely bordering an A move by Toni if their relationship is truly a close one.” ~ anonyllamas
“I eloped to Vegas, which, yes, my parents were not thrilled with.”
“But I called them immediately after the ceremony.”
“By the time I saw them next, they had put aside any resentment, or at least enough that they didn’t express it to me.”
“I think the FB post is the big question mark in this post.”
“Did Toni just not think it through, and got swept up with the thought that everyone is finding out all at once and not realize that parents normally rate special consideration for these things?”
“Or did she have reasons to want the announcement to be at a remove?”
“OP’s phrasing in the post, especially about the husband, could read as just being upset that she did this and barely know him.”
“Or it could show that they’re kind of judgemental, and she wanted to avoid getting blasted over the phone.”
“And she figured that the withering disapproval would have calmed down by their next dinner.”
“Still, in absence of Toni showing up to give her side, I have to go with you on the NAH-shading-towards-NTA because of FB.” ~ RishaBree
“I my opinion, the eloping and the finding out via FB are two different issues.”
“As someone who would love to elope, I don’t think the parents get to punish her for eloping.”
“Some people don’t want anyone to be around on their special day, not even parents.”
“Does it suck not to see your kid get married?”
“Sure. Does that mean it’s deserving of ‘we need space’? No.”
“However, finding out on Facebook is a different issue and one completely deserving of this reaction.”
“If I were to elope I would still tell my parents.”
“These are two different issues, one I think would make OP the asshole, the other doesn’t.” ~l adancer22
“Seriously, yes.”
“People are allowed to have their feelings hurt, and then to figure out how to deal with those hurt feelings.”
“OP and his wife handled this just fine.”
“Expressing your hurt feelings is not a punishment.”
“It’s what grownups do, and other grownups must learn to deal with it. Our behavior sometimes has fallout.”
“This is that.”
“The younger people in this scenario are learning now that yes, you can do whatever you choose, but no, you don’t get to also decide how other people are going to feel about it.”
“Welcome to the world!” ~ suzepie
“I would agree with N A H except that she didn’t even bother to tell them directly.”
“She’s supposedly close to them but she couldn’t even afford them a call and then stupidly expected that they be fine and normal and happy about being blindsided and left out.”
“That is what makes her an AH.”
“She can elope and marry however and whoever she wants without being an AH.”
“But the way she treated them was unkind.” ~ EconomyVoice7358
“NTA. Your wife sounds smart.”
“I’m surprised you guys asked for space instead of talking to her and explaining to her that you’re hurt because she got married without even telling you guys.”
“You missed a big moment for her and you’re her parents.”
“As if she didn’t trust you enough or didn’t consider your feelings.”
“Hopefully her marriage turns out well.” ~ AlphaKennyWhere
OP let us know a few things…
“Edit for some common questions…”
“We are close, we get dinner every weekend and she picked an apartment that was close to us so she could see us more.”
“We met the guy two months ago, he is fine.”
“We invited him back multiple times but he works at the hospital so his schedule isn’t normal.”
“We just want a few weeks to process this/feelings and not go to dinner for a bit, just some space.”
Well OP, this is not a great start to a new life chapter.
Sorry you and your wife couldn’t be there with your daughter.
Reddit understands your feelings.
Hopefully Toni will one day as well.