Driving is dangerous.
It can be like Mad Max: Thunderdome out there.
People don't pay attention or they just don't care.
So we want to hope everyone is being as safe as possible.
Case in point...
Redditor Dry_Tumbleweed_862 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for installing a GPS tracker in my 15 year old daughter's car?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have a daughter who is 15 years old and recently got her instruction/learner's permit after she took a summer driver's ed course and passed the written exam."
"In my state, the learner's permit has a driving restriction in that the child must have a licensed adult (21 or older) in the front passenger seat with them at all times, no exceptions."
"She has to hold this learner's permit for at least 1 year before she can move up to a restricted license at 16 years old."
"We bought her a car during the summer so that she can have a familiar car to practice in with us while having her learner's permit."
"This will be the same car she will use once she gets her license."
"The problem is that she has been driving this car by herself without our permission or even informing us."
"Sometimes we leave our daughter home alone for a few hours so that we can go to the store or on a date, etc."
"And she has been secretly driving when we are not home (she has her own key and we have the spare)."
"I found out after noticing the discrepancy in the miles on her car."
"We scolded her and told her that it was illegal for her to drive on her own, and we started outlining the tires with chalk so that we know if she uses the car or not."
"However, the chalk does not actually stop her from taking the car out."
"It only lets us know afterward if she did."
"So she still kept using the car and would shrug us off afterward."
"I don't want her breaking the law and I'm terrified of her driving on her own with so little experience (although she seems to be doing fine as the car has no damage) so I secretly installed a GPS tracking device in the car."
"We then secretly pretended to leave and waited until we noticed that the car's location changed."
"I immediately called my daughter and yelled at her telling her that she needed to come home now."
"She came back and we got into a huge screaming fight that ended up in tears."
"She screamed that I was a controlling mother and was invading her privacy and that this was her car since we bought it for her, so we had no right to secretly install the tracker without her permission."
"I talked to someone else about it and they did say I took the wrong approach and that it was wrong of me to install the tracker and that I should've done something else."
"I would've taken the key back but she refuses to give it to me, and I don't know where she keeps it."
"AITA for secretly installing a GPS tracker in my daughter's car?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"Take the keys from her... it's really that simple." ~ Optimal-Survey2989
"Best answer right here. Sell the car."
"She might be able to pass the test but she is not mature or trustworthy enough to follow your extremely reasonable rules or obey the law."
"WTF is a tracker going to do?"
"You know she can’t be trusted, you take away the two-ton, high-velocity metal toy."
"YTA for not already having done that."
"I’m sorry for everyone who lives near you."
"Parent your child." ~ Hoistedonyrownpetard
"Yes, explain calmly to her that breaking the law at this point is not boding well for her behavior in the future."
"So it's either following the rules or not continuing on to having a license."
"If this talk does not work, she shouldn't get a license."
"If she in the future will start driving without a license it's even worse."
"Perhaps you should report her to the police or take her to the nearest station for a talk about breaking a law." ~ False_Antelope8729
"Her entitlement is what makes me mad. It's not her car."
"It was bought for her use."
"Unless she paid for it, the insurance, maintenance, and gas... IT DOES NOT BELONG TO HER!!"
"Same as her room."
"She is so disrespectful not to even give you the key."
"Who is in charge here? For your information."
"Keep the tracker in the car."
"She lies too much to not be trusted."
"And it's your liability if she gets in a wreck to the point you could lose your home if someone sues you for more than insurance covers."
"Her age doesn't determine when she can drive, YOU DO!"
"Be a parent and tell her no not this year." ~ Fluid_Association292
"Imagine the police calling you because she got pulled over, was in jail, or in the hospital, or dead..."
"Would you tell them, 'I tried to chalk the car as a way to motivate her not to take the car because she'd know we found out...'"
"Or 'I installed a GPS because she kept taking the car without our permission so I'd know she was still taking the car...'"
"Or 'I asked her for the keys so that she couldn't drive it anymore, but she wouldn't give them to me.'"
"I don't know wtf is happening in that household, but get your crap together and PARENT."
"YOU are just as liable as her with her being a minor and you being the guardian."
"She is YOUR responsibility, therefore what she does affects you, in all ways, including legally."
"When you go to court over why she was driving, you have no reasonable defense."
"You will be sued. You will lose. Maybe your cars."
"Maybe your house. Maybe your child. Come on." ~ Please_Do_Share
"YTA. Take the freaking keys already."
"Good grief, tracking her does nothing to prevent her from getting into an accident."
"You bought her a car, but I'm guessing it's in your name and you're the one paying on the insurance."
"Be a parent, not a sneak."
"Take the keys to your office or someplace outside your home and lock them up."
"A no-car diet should start immediately for her." ~ pdxflwerpwer
OP came back with some details...
"I do plan to remove this tracker once she gets her license."
"It is only while she has her learner's permit."
"We drove the car to a local Walmart because I saw they're pretty friendly with truckers and van dwellers so I figured that they wouldn't mind a car left overnight."
"We don't have anyone who lives nearby that we can keep the car at."
"I called an auto locksmith and they said that the earliest they can come out is tomorrow afternoon so we're waiting on that."
"There's a lot of people who asked the same questions and I can't respond to everyone so I'm just going to answer them here."
"Why did you buy her a car in the first place?"
"I wanted her to be able to practice driving for her license in a car that would be familiar even after she got her license."
"That way she would feel more confident since she knows the car, where everything is, etc."
"Driving is scary so I wanted it to be a really smooth transition from her learner's to her license."
"This is also why we didn't think to sell the car either since we wanted to keep it for this reason."
"I told my husband about selling the car and he said he would think about it (He was the one who paid for it)."
"Why did you give her a key in the first place?"
"My parents bought me a car when I was 14 and had my learner's permit also."
'They immediately gave me a key to it and I never once drove the car without their permission despite always having the key."
"I thought my daughter would do the same thing."
"I've raised her almost exactly how my parents raised me, so I thought she'd act the same way as I did in the same situation."
"Why haven't you taken the key?"
"I have told her to give it back to me but she refuses and even when I searched her room, I was unable to find it."
"Why haven't you done anything to punish her?"
"I already told her she was grounded long ago and she does not get to use a smartphone."
"She still has a flip phone."
"I don't want to completely take away a phone because I still want her to be able to contact me in case of emergency."
"But she has unrestricted access to her laptop because her homework is posted and submitted online."
"Why haven't you disabled the car?"
"To be honest, both me and my husband don't know much about cars so this didn't even occur to us to try."
"I'd never even heard of a steering wheel club before."
"We're the type of people who bring our car into the shop for any maintenance, so I didn't know how to disable the car."
"So the idea of removing parts of the car or such never occurred to us."
"Why did you think the chalk/tracker would work?"
"Honestly, just because it would've worked on me when I was a teen."
"I didn't like upsetting my parents so I never did things like this before and small minor punishments really quickly put me in my place growing up whenever I did misbehave."
"I thought the tracker was more serious than the chalk because it meant that I would find out she took the car almost immediately before she got too far."
Well OP, Reddit was pretty vocal and pretty clear.
It sounds like you listened and are taking action.
Good luck and stay safe.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp