Helping out with the family finances is a win win. Unless someone is trying to take advantage of the other person.
Redditor ThrowRArentissue encountered this very issue with his parents. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for moving out of my parents house after they expected me to pay rent for my room?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (18M) just graduated and gonna be starting community college in August.”
“Barely started doing full-time hours but that’ll change to part time again once I start my classes.”
“Before my 18th b-day over a month ago, my parents started talking about how they expect me to pay for rent then half the bills if I expect to stay there. That wasn’t the problem. The issue was they were expecting me to pay $1,300 a month for my tiny ass room that I share with my little brother.”
“Not including the half of the bills they expected me to pay.”
“Most apartments in our city are around that range but that’s for a whole ass apartment, not a single bedroom plus sharing space with everyone else. Most of my paycheck would just be going to that then.”
OP tried to negotiate.
“Like, I asked my parents I don’t got a problem with helping with the bills and paying for my room if they made the rent to be lower.”
“They said that’s how much they agreed on so that’s what I’d have to pay if I wanna keep staying there.”
“So, I said fine and talked to one of my friend’s I already knew had his own place but was looking for a new roommate for the past 3 months. Ended up going with him and he added me to the lease.”
“My own room and bathroom, plus the total for rent and my half of the bills it’s like wayyyy less than the rent by itself that my parents expected me to pay.”
“But the thing is they’re super mad at me for leaving.”
“My mom ignored me when I moved out, my dad kept saying how he’s so disappointed in me. For a while they were hoping to rely on me with helping out with their mortgage payments on the house also with the bills so now that I’ve chosen to leave instead my dad says I’m going to leave them really struggling and he can’t believe I decided to be selfish instead of helping my family out.”
“So that’s sort of why I’m asking if I’m TA.”
“It was super high what they were expecting me to pay (literally whole paycheck would go to just that) but also I left them to struggle when they were hoping for me to help out so idk.”
“AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. $1300 for one room would be a ripoff under the best of circumstances. For a parent to try to charge their barely-legally-an-adult son that amount of money for his freaking childhood bedroom is outrageous.”
“Might I suggest they cut back on the avocado toast and get a second job? Holy sh*t, the entitlement.” ~ yesnogoodbye
“Get a third job then. If you can’t afford bootstraps you can’t afford avocado toast!” ~ jott1293reddevil
“But avocado’s on sale this week!”
“Source: I just came back from the grocery store. Bought lots of avocados. And I don’t even pay $1300 for my studio (though that’s not too far off).” ~ O_Solo_Meow
Most agreed parents should not try to take advantage of their kids.
“When I was younger, my parents told me and my sibs that we owed them nothing in repayment for raising us, that our responsibility would be to our children. We have told our kids the same.”
“Our parents have retirement funds but have lived longer than they expected (Dad is 90, Mom is 85) and the fund is a little sparse so we all pitch in a little. We gladly do so in part because they didn’t do what OP’s parents were trying to do, which allowed us all to succeed and be financially sound.” ~ GeeWhiskers
“That’s exactly it. Your parents understand their role as parents, and they’ve raised you and your siblings to be financially secure for your own sake. I’m sure they weren’t even intending for you all to help them, let alone expecting it. Sounds like you all have a really nice family dynamic!”
“I had a less than desirable childhood, moving out of home at 16 etc. I know that it’s inevitable that I will have to contribute financially to my Mum at some point, and it’s incredibly daunting.” ~ abbles1er
“Yeah, if when you are in your 20’s and early 30’s you have to sacrifice your own financial stability for your parents, then after that you have to do the same as they can’t afford to live in retirement, when do you get a chance to live your own life and have your own family?!”
“My Dad and I saved a lot of money through working together, such as even though we lived apart (1-2 minute walk) I often did the cooking if he mowed my lawns, and we’d give each other haircuts, etc. and that was fine.”
“Why duplicate labour? Likewise if he was doing poorly he would always have had shelter and hot meals at my house, but to basically trap your children in your debt when nothing indicates something happened (such as a major disability or closure of the niche company his mum or dad worked at) sounds like they just expected their children to bail them out…”
“I love the ‘It’s what we decided!’ line… like his mum and dad decided he had to stay at home in a shared room and pay $$$ way over market rate like that is somehow binding on him. They should have tried negotiating, laying out their income and cash flow problem and given him input if HE is supposed to SAVE THEM.” ~ TryToDoGoodTA
NTA – their mortgage and bills are their responsibility; for what they were charging you, you could expect reasonably that you’d be put on the mortgage and inherit a bigger share of the property when the time comes than your sibling(s) will, proportional to the extra you’ve paid towards the place.”
“If your parents want to make money off their property they need to understand the market value of what they’re offering you. But it sounds like they wanted you to pay the entire mortgage, or a big chunk of it.”
“You should tell them that if you are contributing a proportion of the payment, you will want to get an equivalent proportion of the equity.”
“I bet they’d want you to do chores on top of that as well, leaving them only minimally responsible for keeping the household running.”
“Half the bills was never reasonable. If you’re the only grown up child in the house you’d expect a 3-way split between the adults (even if only one parent works – they’d expect to be paying the spouse’s share).”
“And you’d expect the bill payers to have their own rooms if they want them, not to be sharing.”
“They’re trying to use you to cover their own financial inadequacy. Or to retire early; which they shouldn’t be doing if they have a minor child still to support.”
“If they’ve managed without your input so far, they can carry on managing (and deal with their completely unreasonable disappointment) themselves.” ~ redcore4
“You did not leave them to struggle. If they are handling their finances to where they were relying on a third adult to help them with their expenses… they need to figure their lives out and downsize.”
“Your story sounds similar to mine. My mom didn’t talk to me until after I finished college and was two years into my career…”
“I moved out at 18 and it was the best decision of my life. I’m 37 now.”
“My sister chose to continue to live with my folks. She’s in her early 30s now and in over 100k of debt because she kept listening to them and their financial advice.”
“100k of debt is mostly in student loans… but also in cars they told her she should get, ridiculous rent and expenses they required of her, vacations they wanted to take and have her go on that they had her pay part of.”
“I’m in California and at the end of the year I’m moving out of my house (that we own) and buying a new one and I’m renting the house… the whole house… 3 bedroom, 2 bath… to her for the amount your parents want to charge you. And we’re in California where rent is higher than most states.”
“Right now is a good lesson for everyone… you and your parents. Yeah they’ll be mad at you, but don’t let their unfounded anger destroy your financial future.”
“You seem to have a great head on your shoulders for seeing this already and for not letting them manipulate you. Family doesn’t always want what’s best for us.”
“Give it time… once they figure their finances out, they won’t be so angry at you anymore. And if they are… then they’re just crap people.”
“Parents choose to have their children, children do not owe their parents for the decisions they’ve made.”
“You got this!!!” ~ MidnightJellyfish13
“You are right to refuse their request (demand) for sky-high, unreasonable payments and move out. If they truly valued and respected you as a person, they would have included you in their negotiations on a reasonable amount.”
“Instead, they tried to force you, or coerce you, into paying much more than fair market value for what they were offering. They got themselves into a financial mess and it’s totally unfair for them to expect to overburden you financially to help them fix it.”
“They are blinding themselves to what damage that would do to you financially as you try to pay your college costs and begin to live your own life. It’s normally your parents that should be helping you during this transition in life.”
“If things were different and you’d just won the lottery then they might ask you for a loan or help with some small bills just to help them manage better, and if you agreed, that would be fine. But that’s not the case here.:
“You did the right thing. I would have moved out too.”
“I wish they could see themselves and how they are acting toward you.”
“They are being petty. They need to grow up some too.” ~ SingleDad21
“I am a parent of 4—ages 24 down to 7—and you are definitely NOT the a$$!”
“My older 2 kids pay ‘rent’ while they go to college, but the two of them combined pay less than what your parents were expecting. We live in the north Dallas area, which is very expensive.”
“They each pay $600 per month, and that covers rent, car payment, car insurance, medical, food, and utilities. Basically, the money they pay doesn’t truly cover their expenses if I wanted to be a prick and itemize everything, but I’m not trying to get rich off my kids either.”
“They’ve done their research and found that they couldn’t even live at an apartment on campus at college for what they are paying me, not counting all the other expenses.”
“So they pay enough where I feel they are contributing towards household expenses, and they feel they are saving a lot more money than they would by moving out. And they have more than enough extra money to spend on the things they want.”
“It’s a win-win for everyone.”
“Your parents came up with a scenario that is win-lose, and they have nobody to blame but themselves.”
“Based on their decision, I suspect they are trying to have you make up for a series of poor financial decisions of their own making. You did the right thing for yourself and your future from what it sounds like.” ~ DaBulls-6
These parents could’ve lowered the price a bit if they truly wanted the OP to stay home and help out. But by pricing it so high, now they have nothing.
This clearly wasn’t thought out very well.