There is little more important for a parent than to set a good example for their children and make it known that some behavior is simply not acceptable under any circumstances.
Sadly, a warning sometimes simply isn’t enough, and the only way certain children will know how to do better is by inflicting punishment.
And not simply making them do something they’d rather not, like the dishes or taking out the garbage, but rather depriving them of something they’d been looking forward to for a very long time.
Redditor Numerous-Stock2430 and their spouse were horrified to learn how their teenage daughter recently treated one of her friends.
As a result, the original poster (OP) ordered her to apologize to this friend or face a very serious consequences.
While the OP’s daughter assumed her parents were bluffing, it became clearer and clearer that they couldn’t have been more serious, even though she still didn’t feel she deserved the fate she was given.
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“WIBTA for cancelling my daughter’s 16th birthday party after warning her about it a year ago?”
The OP explained how they felt there was only one suitable punishment for the way their daughter treated one of her friends, and wasn’t going to back down.
“For my daughter’s 15th birthday, my spouse and I paid for her to take some of her friends out to a restaurant for dinner.”
“During this dinner/party, my daughter got into an argument with one of her friends (15 F[emale]).”
“Apparently my daughter was upset that this friend gave her a cheap gift bought from a thrift store. According to her best friend(15 F), who told us what happened, my daughter seemed to like the gift at first and asked her friend where she bought it from.”
“When the girl admitted it was from a thrift store, that is when my daughter lost it and called her names like cheap, golddigger, begger (translated from my language, it roughly means cheap), and other classist insults.”
“Now it is well known that this friend’s family is not well off, but I know that she is a sweet girl who did her best to get my daughter a gift with her meager allowance.”
“My spouse and I confronted our daughter about it, and she admitted she insulted her friend.”
“She went on to insult her further by saying things like – this is probably the only way she gets to eat at a restaurant, so she should be grateful and give a decent gift. I don’t know where my daughter learned such entitlement, but she did not learn it at home.”
“Even her best friend was uncomfortable by her behavior.”
“We immediately took away all her gifts and donated them.”
“We also told her that unless she apologizes to this girl in front of everyone who was present at the party, we will not be sponsoring any more of her birthdays.”
“My daughter never apologized, and over time, the girl drifted apart from the friend group.”
“My daughter’s 16th birthday is coming up next month, and she has started talking about what kind of party she wants.”
“I reminded her of our promise that we would not fund any more birthday parties until she has apologized for her behavior at her previous party.”
“Daughter is saying it’s been a year, and the girl is no longer her friend anyway.”
“She said her best friend is getting a sweet16 party (not a thing in my culture), and how will it look if she doesn’t get one?”
“We told her she still has a month to apologize, but she is not planning to do it because she thinks we’ll cave.”
“My in-laws are offering to pay for her party, but we have forbidden them from doing that.”
“Daughter and both sets of grandparents are telling us that we are being too harsh and ruining her social life.”
“WIBTA If we don’t give her a birthday party this year?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for standing firm in their threat not to pay for their daughter’s birthday party.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely right to stand firm and not pay for their daughter’s party, agreeing that her actions should have consequences, and if she refused to apologize for her spoiled and entitled behavior, then she wasn’t worthy of a party.
“NTA.”
“Bravo to you for sticking to your guns.”
“This is the best thing you can do for your daughter.”
“You need to talk to your in-laws not to interfere.”- ItIsNotAManual1984
“NTA.”
“You are NOT ruining her social life.”
“You are trying to give her an important life lesson.”
“Teenagers can be just miserable.”
“Hold on to the hope that she will work out her angst and turn out to be a decent human being.”
“I believe you’re doing the right thing.”- JazzyKnowsBest13
“NTA.”
“But be careful the grandparents don’t invite daughter over for a weekend, then give her a ‘surprise’ party.”- Comment7215
“Well well well if it isn’t the consequences of her actions biting her in the butt.”
“NTA what is it these kids say these days??”
“F around and find out.”- Jerkchickenwing
“’That it’s awkward to call and apologise to her now is the consequence of you deciding to double down on your nastiness in the hope of getting away with it’.”
“‘It’s up to you how long you’re in trouble for this’.”
“‘If you don’t apologize, you are choosing not to have birthday parties anymore’.”
“‘If you’re concerned about how sitting at home in your room without your devices will look to others, then it’s time to decide if that’s more or less important to you than continuing to pretend you were right to act spoiled, arrogant and mean’.”
“‘We love you very much but we don’t like the side of you that comes out about material things, and the longer you double down on this, the more convinced I am that you need to learn this lesson’.”
“To the grandparents: ‘I’m not choosing another girl over my daughter’.”
“‘I’m choosing to stop my daughter from growing up to be a spoiled, selfish bully’.”
“‘That is more important to me than anything’.”
“‘If you want her to have a party, then you need to start telling her to develop some integrity and humility and apologize’.”
“‘She’s had a year’.”
“‘We are not going to give in to whining and manipulation from her, and if she continues to cry to you to try and manipulate her way out of basic and necessary discipline then she will be in even more trouble’.”
“‘We don’t expect to have to have this conversation again’.”
“If they keep going then it’s time to ground her from them for a while and put them on a time out; no contact until after her birthday and any gifts from them will be locked away until she completes her apology.”
“NTA.”
“You cannot let this one slide.”-MaintenanceFlimsy555
“NTA, I would absolutely not let her off the hook, maybe next year I’d pay for it, but there has to be at least some kind of consequence for her actions, and if you cave, it’ll just show her that she can escape punishment by ignoring the problem.”- Babbenator
“NTA.”
“She was told there would be consequences.”
“This is what good parents use as a learning opportunity.”- DegeneratesInc
The OP later returned with an update, thanking all those who took the time to comment and confirming that they were resolute in holding firm with their punishment.
“Thank you, everyone, for validating our decision and reinforcing that we are not horrible people.”
“I really do believe we gave our daughter a reality check by taking away her gifts last year.”
“She has not said anything so outright vile since then.”
“I believe she thought if she stayed out of trouble for a while (which she has), we would forget about the punishment.”
“We have made our disappointment known to her, and I really do believe she is ashamed of her actions, but she is a teenager, and making a public apology is hard even for most adults.”
“Nevertheless, we don’t intend to back down.”
“As for the grandparents, they live far away and can only send money via one of us.”
“We are planning to put both grandparents on an information diet for a while.”
A party is a privilege that is earned by those who deserve it, not a guarantee for anyone.
The way the OP’s daughter treated her friend all over where she bought her present most certainly didn’t deserve a party.
Sad to think this could all have been solved by a simple apology.
Yet the OP’s daughter would apparently rather lose a friendship than apologize for her behavior.