We’ve likely all had one of those romantic partners or friends who showed a lot of interest and support in a new job we were being offered.
Only later would we realize they were more concerned about how the new job could benefit them, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Plantsonfiree was starting to wonder why their job offer was so important to their girlfriend, especially when she seemed to be valuing the pay increase over their happiness at their current work.
When even their family started taking their girlfriend’s side, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were wrong not to give up a job they loved.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for not telling my girlfriend about a big job offer before declining it?”
The OP had a well-established life in the community where they worked.
“So a little bit of background, six years ago when I was 18, I moved across the country from my home state to take up a really good job opportunity.”
“It was a very well-paying job, especially for an 18-year-old, and my salary has increased gradually over the years to the point where I now earn a very high wage (mid-six figures).”
“I am now very settled over here with a really close and large friend group, and I bought my first house a few months ago.”
“I have also been dating my girlfriend for almost 9 months now, and we have been living together for the majority of the time.”
The OP recently received an enticing job offer but decided to turn it down.
“Several weeks ago, I got presented with a very attractive job offer for a job in my hometown, and it pays almost double my salary.”
“I know the logical response is to take the offer, but I am already earning more than enough doing a job that I enjoy so much that it doesn’t even feel like work.”
“I love my life here and finally feel settled.”
“I didn’t want to risk jeopardizing any of that just for a higher salary when I’m fine as is, so I declined the offer.”
Their girlfriend was furious when she found out.
“I didn’t mention it to my girlfriend because there was never really a point where I felt that I was going to take the offer.”
“She found out about it a couple of days ago when my mum bought it up in passing over dinner and got furious at me for not discussing it with her before making the decision.”
“She berated me for giving up a ‘huge opportunity for us’ and kept going on about how she must mean nothing to me if I couldn’t discuss major life decisions with her.”
The OP didn’t understand why their girlfriend was so upset.
“At the end of the day, this decision was about MY life only. I pay for everything in the relationship and don’t ask her for anything in return.”
“Of course, I would have discussed with her if we had been together for longer, but with where we are in our relationship, I don’t feel like we’re at the point where life-changing decisions about my life and my job should be influenced by her.”
“That feels especially true when this is a decision I had no second thoughts on.”
But the OP felt conflicted when their family sided with their girlfriend.
“My family is telling me I’m an a**hole for not even bringing it up to her.”
“But in my mind, there was no point in letting her mull over what could have been or try and convince me to take it when I was never going to take the opportunity in the first place.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were worried about the girlfriend’s true feelings about the OP versus their money.
“NTA. Red flags abound, my friend. You’ve been with this woman for less than a year and she expects you to run by major economic/life choices by her?”
“The fact she called it an ‘opportunity for US’ is very telling. You already pay for everything and the girl wanted more money in her pocket.”
“Take a step back and see if you’re being used for your money or if this is a one-time misunderstanding.” – thebabes2
“It sounds very much like she is treating OP more as a wallet than a partner. Who the f**k expects a partner to change careers from one they love when they have more than enough to get by ‘for us’?” – zombiebird100
“OP, you pay for everything! Stop that immediately. Let your girlfriend pay her fair share of bills, rent, etc. See how far her love reaches.”
“She wanted more money for herself. She didn’t give a fart about you.”
“Please be mindful of how your relationship with this woman continues. She already feels entitled to push you to earn more. Your goals and hers are not in alignment.” – JemimaAslana
“You’ve been dating her for 9 months, not years! She has nothing to do with YOUR decisions, your career, or YOUR money!”
“She’s a gold digger. Run! NTA.” – Potential_Speech_703
“NTA. Your girlfriend just gave you a very clear indication that she values your money more than your happiness. You’d be a fool to ignore that.” – NorthernLitUp
“Dating nine months and you pay for everything in the relationship? Does she think she should have a say in your career decisions?”
“NTA. She is not your wife, nor any legal partner. You’re not obligated to run any decisions you make regarding your career by her.”
“Honestly, it’s very concerning that she said you gave a ‘huge opportunity for us’ line when you are NOT married, are NOT engaged, and have been dating for less than a year.”
“I don’t like hopping on the Reddit breakup train, but I’d consider what you’ve signed up for in this relationship. She’s effectively guilt-tripping you and your family for not giving her decision-making power in a VERY young relationship.”
“Have a conversation with her about boundaries, and let her know that if/when the relationship reaches engagement, marriage, or simply a longer period of time, you absolutely plan to include her in these decisions.”
“For now, while you understand she may be hurt to not have known about a big event in your life, her opinions don’t trump yours when it comes to your career.” – CoconutChai73
Others pointed out that the OP would also be silly to give up a life that made them so happy.
“You’ve hit the d**n work jackpot, OP! It’s incredibly rare to find a job that you enjoy, thrive in, and make decent money!”
“Sounds like you’re happy with the company too! That’s like winning the lotto, every day in one week.”
“You sound super happy there and are decently challenged so it’s not too boring.”
“Not only that, but you feel settled! Gosh, I’ve been searching for that for over half my adult life! And you have a good circle of friends and you’ve brought a house that will soon become a home.”
“Please lock down your legal protection for your house, assets, and money. I hope I’m wrong, but it does read like she’s far more interested in what you can spend on her vs you as a person.” – Pascalle112
“She’s a girlfriend, not a fiancée or spouse. And she’s been around less than a year. Dang, she’s feeling entitled.”
“By the way, congrats on understanding that there is more to life than just money. If you’re comfortable where you are, there’s no need to change. And you are so NTA.” – Mavido79
“NTA. You made this decision for REALLY good reasons, and yet the girlfriend wants MORE. No.”
“Having a job and a life like you described doesn’t happen for everyone. Why would you throw that away? And this early in the relationship, it was only YOUR decision to make.” – RainierCherree
“You knew from the jump that you probably were not going to take it, so why bring it up?”
“You are very happy and successful in your current job, just bought a house, and are surrounded by friends.”
“You have no idea that the new job would give you anything more than more money. WHAT YOU HAVE NOW IS PRICELESS.”
“NTA, and you may want to think about miss gold digger’s attitude… LOL (laughing out loud).” – AssistPure
“You love your current job and you make a comfortable living. Your life is stable and established where you are.”
“However, in regards to your girlfriend: You pay for everything and your girlfriend is worried about you not taking a job that pays more because of ‘us.'”
“You’ve got yourself a gold digger.” – SkrogedScourge
The subReddit thought it was obvious why the OP didn’t want to take the other job, as most people never have the opportunity to live such a uniquely balanced and fulfilling life.
But it was also clear to the subReddit that the OP’s girlfriend had other plans and ones that required more money than she was currently getting from the relationship.
An honest conversation would need to happen moving forward, so both people could be clear on what they wanted and if they were able to receive that from each other.