It’s important to be there for partner’s who have health issues.
Though there’s no denying doing so comes with its challenges.
This includes staying on top of various medications, doctor’s appointments and schedules.
While some people with partner’s who have restrictions when it comes to their diet often sacrifice the food and drink their partners can’t enjoy as well.
Redditor FirmWorldliness2119 was working hard to be there for their partner and help him with his condition.
But following a number of angry outbursts from their partner, the original poster (OP) finally told him that there was a limit to their obligations regarding his illness.
Worried that they behaved inappropriately, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for snapping on my partner saying that I am not responsible for his diabetes unless it’s an emergency?”
The OP first gave some insight to their partner’s condition, as well as their current familial situation.
“My (29) partner (30 m[ale]) have been together almost 8 years and have lived together for almost 3 years.”
“I also have a child (13 f[emale]) from a previous relationship.”
“He is a type 1 diabetic.”
“He takes two shots of insulin per day, one with breakfast and one with dinner.”
“This means that he must time the space between meals as well as make sure he is balancing the amount of complex carbs & simple sugars he eats with each meal.”
“This typically does not cause us any issue, as he gets up and eats his first meal of the day between 8 & 9am, lunch between 11 & 12, and I try to work out what time to have dinner ready so that his blood sugar doesn’t get wonky, so we usually eat around 6/6:30PM.”
“When this schedule gets disrupted slightly, a temper tantrum ensues.”
“It doesn’t matter where we are or what we are doing, if we are out with friends or family, it doesn’t even matter if anyone is inconvenienced, if we adhere to his schedule, no temper tantrum happens.”
“In the event we are out with friends, he doesn’t throw a fit right then and there in front of them, he waits to lay into me about it when we get home.”
“I’ve suggested he brings food with him so that his schedule isn’t disrupted, I’ve said it’s okay if he needs to grab something to eat, but we’re not hungry yet, my daughter and I will just eat when we get home.’
“I’ve even brought small things with us in my purse to hold him over if there is any chance this might happen, but he always acts like I have offended him by doing so, or guilts me about ‘not wanting to sit down and eat as a family’.”
“We don’t sit and eat as a family; we eat on foldable tables in the living room & watch TV.”
Making matters even more difficult, in addition to his anger issues, the OP’s partner also inflicted some rules and restrictions on the OP and their daughter.
“We are also not allowed to eat without him unless he is out of town, but he says he’s allowed to eat without us if he needs to ‘get his insulin’.”
“We are also not allowed to go out for things that he typically cannot have in large amounts, like ice cream.”
“If we do go out and get ice cream, donuts, or if we order anything like pancakes for breakfast, he makes comments like ‘You two should have diabetes, not me’.”
“These comments are hurtful.”
“Today I snapped on him.”
“We wanted to go to the ice cream shop that’s downtown that has diabetic-friendly, gluten free, vegan, etc. options.”
“He became angry and again started calling me selfish because he ‘already had his simple sugars with dinner’.”
“I mentioned the diabetic-friendly options, and he got even madder and called me selfish for even saying that, so I snapped back.”
“‘I am not responsible for anything that has to do with your diabetes outside of knowing the signs of low/high blood sugar & being prepared and knowing what to do in those situations’.”
“Everything else is YOUR PROBLEM.”
“He went quiet and left.”
“I don’t want him to feel left out or think we don’t care, but I feel like he is punishing us just because he has a disability.”
“I’m just going to clarify what I meant by we’re ‘not allowed to eat’.”
“We can snack and eat whatever all day, but when it comes to dinner, for some reason it upsets him if we start to eat our food without him.”
“If he starts to eat without us and I say something, the insulin excuse is uses.”
“I also want to add that none of these behaviors are exhibited in front of or to my daughter.”
“They are only directed at me.”
Fellow Redditors weighed on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**Hole for clapping back at their partner.
Everyone agreed that regardless of his diabetes, the OP’s partner’s behavior was manipulative, with some even thinking he was victimizing himself.
“Sometimes people use their illnesses or disabilities to try to control people around them to make them feel like they have more control in their own life.”
“I would suggest counseling.”
“You have offered him options, gone out of your way to find things he can eat, you’re definitely NTA.”- renaissance-Fartist
“He is apparently obsessed with being a martyr/victim.”
“Everyone I have ever known with diabetes will always carry a snack or some sugar or granola bars, or my grandpa’s favorite, uncrustables lol, with them.”
“It’s common sense and so easy to do.”
“And you absolutely should be allowed to eat whatever you want, whenever you want.”
“Full stop.”- cakeandwhat
“I know several diabetics who would never act like this.”
“This isn’t about him being diabetic.”
“He’s holding you and your daughter hostage.”
“It’s a power play for control.”
“He controls when you eat.”
“What you eat.”
“Where you can and can’t go.”
“It probably doesn’t come across as abusive, but it is.”
“Counseling could help.”
“But it might also prove he doesn’t want to hand over control.”
“Be prepared for tough decisions.”- Terra88draco
“I am a type 1 and can eat when I want and where I want.”
“I wear a continuous blood glucose monitor and a pump so this can happen.”
“Even T1s on Multiple Daily Injections (MDI) know how to carb count and dose accordingly.”
“I wonder he needs a new endocrinologist.”
“There are Facebook Groups (Bold with Insulin) and podcasts (Juice Box) that teach, among other things, how to live like this and not let T1 trap one in a rigid style of eating or dosing.”
“If he’s just operating this way for a short period, to get his dosage in line or if he is new to the disease, I’d give him more leeway.”
“There is nothing easy about this disease, but it’s also not an excuse to be and AH, which he is.”
“You are NTA.”- hmkythursday
“He needs to go see an endo asap.”
“I’ve had it for 39 years and I was 12 when we did 2 needles a day.”
“In my late teens when it switched to taking insulin at every meal and long acting, which means it’s 5 a day.”
“His strict schedule could be much more flexible with the newer system.”
“We can eat anything we want it’s about balancing food and insulin.”
“If he really is only doing 2 needles a day when I do 5 tells me he’s on a system from the 1980s not 2020s.”
“If he goes to an endo and dietician so he can learn how things are done now, that ice cream is possible, eating at any time.”
“And if he’s not willing to use better insulin then this is more about him and his personality than his disease.”-auscadtravel
“NTA you do not have diabetes and should not have to pretend you do.”
“Even if he did not have diabetes he would be an a** for insisting on eating all meal together.”
“Being disabled does not give him the right to be an a**.” – gastropodia42
“NTA none of that is normal for a family with a diabetic member.”
“And you’re right, his blood sugar is his responsibility alone.”
“If you want ice cream, you are entitled to eat it.”
“His medical condition doesn’t dictate how others around him live their lives.”
“He’s very controlling.”- skywalkera420
“OP, A lot of people suggest that you leave him.”
“I suggest that as well.”
“But we all know in the real world it’s not as easy as that.”
“So what I suggest is this, do not let him gaslight you because he will try.”
“He will try to make you feel like the bad guy and guilt you in to continuing to allow his control to reign over you and your daughter.”
“I promise you, you are not the bad guy!”
“You should not have to live your life walking on eggshells.”
“Especially your daughter!”
“She is going to start resenting him like nobody’s business.”
“And I only say this from the child’s perspective from experience, I know if this person is forcing me to live my life in such a strict certain way and he isn’t even my real father, that would multiply my resentment tenfold.”
“Again that’s just from personal experience.”
“I don’t presume to know the relationship your daughter has with your husband.”
“But you are definitely NTA!”-suliasoul
There’s no denying living with diabetes is difficult.
But it’s hard to see how that excuses OP’s partner wanting to make life more difficult for them and their daughter.
Here’s hoping he takes a moment to reflect on his behavior, and maybe become a bit less controlling and angry going forward.
As not many other partners might be as patient and generous as the OP.