Finances always seem to be a hot-button issue in relationships.
Even in the best of unions, money and expenses can ruin any given moment.
Even talking about money can cause stress.
It’s especially problematic when one partner feels the other isn’t paying their fair share.
Redditor Successful-Onion-872 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for expecting my partner to help out with rent?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (37 M[ale]) partner and I (35 F[emale]) have been together for almost 3 years.”
“I have a daughter, and he has no kids.”
“When we met, I was still in nursing school, not working, so I wasn’t making any money.”
“He knew this, and he has a pretty good job, so he would pay for everything when we would go out.”
“Shortly after we became official, he had me pay for some of the times we would go out, which is fine.”
“I get it.”
“It just kinda sucked because I was not working and short on money, but it is what it is.”
“Fastforward to now, I still pay for everything for my daughter and I don’t mind that, it’s my responsibility.”
“We take turns paying for stuff when we go out, so it’s okay.”
“He never officially moved in, but he slowly started staying over longer and longer.”
“He hasn’t stayed at his place in almost a year.”
“He works as a lineman, so he would travel around a lot.”
“Didn’t have an apartment, but he has an RV he owns and pays $400 a month for the lot.”
“I bought a house almost two years before we met, and I pay almost $1200 in mortgage, and all the bills are under my name, of course.”
“I eventually talked him into helping me pay some of the bills since he hadn’t offered.”
“We came to an agreement that he would pay 1/3 since it’s me and my daughter, and it’s just him with no kids, but he wasn’t excited about that.”
“He doesn’t think he should help me pay for my mortgage at all because he says I’m the one building equity on it, and when I sell it, the money will be mine.”
“Which is true, but I don’t think it’s necessarily fair.”
“He makes pretty good money ($20/hr. more than me, to be exact) but still doesn’t offer to pay for anything other than half of the times we go out.”
“Whenever anything in the house needs fixing, I’m the one paying for it, and he never offers to pay any part of it.”
“ETA: He justifies not paying rent and only paying 1/3 of the bills since he now drives an hour to and from work and pays the extra gas it’s costing him (his RV is an hour away, which is where his work is as well).”
The OP was left to wonder:
“WIBTA for asking again to give me some money for rent since he gets to live in my home?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Don’t phrase it as paying the mortgage.”
“He should be paying rent, which you use to offset the house’s repairs and maintenance cost.”
“NTA, but it’s time for a sit-down conversation about living arrangements and who is paying for what.”
“If he is living there, give him a tenancy agreement stating how much and when he pays and conditions for termination of the agreement.”
“Can he park the RV at your place and pay you the 400 instead?”
“Or if the RV isn’t needed since he’s living with you, will he sell it?” ~ Rare_Sugar_7927
“OP needs to be careful about asking him to help with the mortgage or having him pay for or do repairs.”
“All those things could be used in the event of a breakup to declare her home as community property.”
“AND before everyone loses their mind about the fact that they aren’t married, he might try to claim they have a common law marriage.”
“AND before everyone starts saying they don’t meet the criteria, we can’t possibly know that since the laws are different everywhere. NTA.” ~ CartoonistFirst5298
“Single mother, completes nursing degree, launches and maintains highly responsible and demanding career and purchases own home.”
“Maintains the home and keeps the household running.”
“Dude who lives with her sometimes serves no purpose.”
“What was the question?”
“You are NTA, but with respect, you might be supporting a second child you didn’t know you’d signed up for.” ~ Objective_Purpose768
“Honestly, I wouldn’t bother asking him for money again.”
“He’s already given you an answer.”
“I’d let him know he’s no longer welcome to stay in your home more than two nights a week if he’s not able to contribute to rent or utilities.”
“He has his own spot that he’s already paying for, so he should start making use of it if he doesn’t wanna pay for yours too.”
“No reason to keep rehashing the same argument when you could just draw a boundary and save yourself the headache.” ~ VenusInAries666
“NTA. The whole ‘paying towards the mortgage and getting equity’ argument is so dumb.”
“He’s paying $400 a month on a lot somewhere, right?”
“He mad that his landlord is using that $400 to increase their equity?”
“If most of his stuff is at your house, then he needs to pay rent.”
“The $400 a month is basically RV storage.”
“He lives in your house; he needs to pay rent there.”
“Just paying towards bills also doesn’t make sense.”
“If he had an apartment, he’d be paying rent/mortgage and utilities.”
“This is no different.”
“If he doesn’t want to pay anything more than he is paying right now, he needs to move back into his RV and just visit you when invited.” ~ Prior_Lobster_5240
“NTA. It shouldn’t matter whether you own your home or not.”
“You still have to pay either rent or mortgage to have a place to live.”
“If he’s over at your home and not contributing or doesn’t want to, he can stay at his.”
“You might want to reconsider this relationship too.”
“If someone is unwilling to compromise and stingy or selfish in one area of the relationship, it can reflect in other areas too. E.g. with their time, effort, affection, support etc.” ~ Jaya-7
“Charge him rent at market value.”
Check the rental houses in your area that are similar to yours and charge him one-third of the advertised rent.
“If he is not happy with that proposal claiming that he has to pay for the RV lot and travel longer distances to work, just call it quits.”
“He is only keeping you from being with someone who values you more than a cheap place to live.” ~ Difficult-Egg-9954
“NTA – You’re a single mom doing your best to support your daughter, and this guy thinks he should be able to crash at your place for free?”
“Absolutely not.”
“It’s time to cut him loose and focus on what really matters—your daughter.”
“You don’t need a grown toddler freeloading off you.”
“You’re working hard on your future and deserve so much better.”
“What does he even bring to the relationship?”
“As for his drive time, that’s his choice to work there.”
“You shouldn’t be penalized for it.”
“You and your baby girl do not have this type of stress.”
“You should be proud that you worked for and bought your own home.”
“Go live your best life without him.” ~ RelativeConfusion504
“NTA… if he wants to stay there and if he takes your relationship seriously, he should have no issue with it.”
“I’m in nursing school now after a career change.”
My now-husband and I met before he became a lineman apprentice; he lived with me while he waited to get in with the union.
“I have two kids from a previous marriage.”
“He now pays for everything while I’m in school.”
“We support each other and have helped one another in any and every way since day 1.”
“We have been together for 3.5 years and married for 6 months.”
“Cliche, but if he wanted to – he would.”
“There should never be a power struggle- it’s not you vs. him or him vs. you- it’s you both as a team vs. the problem- and the problem is that you’re financially covering all of it.”
“If he’s serious about you, he’d only use the RV for storm, officially move in and pay what is fair for you both.”
“After 3 years, girl, I’d be wondering what he thinks this is?”
“Your home isn’t a smash and crash pad… it’s either our home or it’s my home, and you can go sleep in your RV.” ~ Sorry-Expression3052
“YWNBTA.”
“He is a freeloader and a stingy person.”
“He is living in your home rent-free.”
“Whether you own it or someone else, living in a home is not free.”
“And he still doesn’t even pick up the check when you go out?”
“You’re going Dutch on dates, and this creep is only paying 1/3 of the household costs.”
“That is not OK.” ~ EmceeSuzy
“Sex, housework, and finances.”
“The three biggest generators of angst in relationships.”
“Him paying a share of the bills sounds completely reasonable, and a bit sucky he didn’t just offer.’
“Him fixing the home, maybe he has a point that it’s your house which you’ll profit from.”
“Him paying for half of your fun times out, again, sounds fair ’cause you’re both out having fun.”
“I guess y’all have a different perception of what is ‘fair.'”
“You’ll either work out or consider whether it’s healthy staying in a relationship with those different beliefs. NAH.” ~SlappySlapsticker
“NTA… don’t know where you are.”
“But my property taxes and insurance alone costs me hundreds a month.”
“Money you don’t get back when you sell.”
“Not every dime you put into this is returnable.”
“But beyond that argument.”
“In my opinion.”
“He is playing house and doesn’t see a future with you.”
“At the very least, he is selfish.”
“You pay every other time you go out.”
“And he won’t pay ever for your daughter after all this time?”
“How bout groceries and toiletries and utilities and cable and extra use of your belongings that deteriorating 33% faster than they would if he wasn’t there.”
“If I wasn’t in love with this man and it’s just a boyfriend, that’s working out for now.”
“I’d think we are probably ok.”
“If you’re thinking this might roll into marriage.”
“I’d do some soul searching.”
“I don’t get the vibe he is thinking that.”
“And honestly,y the never paying for my daughter would be a deal breaker.”
“It’s not the money, it’s the making her feel like a burden and him letting her know I will never be your care taker even to the extent of buying a lunch, that would be a problem for me.”
“It’s the attitude surrounding that that would make me think twice about it.”
“I feel you’re totally ok asking for more help.”
“He lives at your house, let’s call it what it is.”
“And honestly, he can afford it.”
“I wouldn’t put 1 cent into his portion that he doesn’t cover.”
“You’ve got a child and a future of your own to consider.”
“If it were me, he would step up, or he would have to step out.” ~ Rosie_Hymen
“It isn’t really about a fair split of the bills.”
“You call him your ‘partner,’ but he’s approaching all of this in a very transactional way.”
“His underlying assumption seems to be that this is temporary and that financial entanglement should be avoided.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Are you intentionally letting a random temporary guy sleep over 7 nights a week in your and your daughter’s home?”
“If you want a life partner and at least a stepfather to your child, this guy isn’t it.”
“If you are also being transactional, the arrangement is really unfair to your child.” ~ Successful-Pie-5689
“NTA. I understand not wanting to pay to your mortgage, but yeah, that doesn’t mean you get to live rent free forever.”
“It sounds like you’ve got a start with the 1/3 of the bills thing, but that’s not enough considering he’s not paying any rent.”
“You can try to dress it up even further with other non-rent expenses he can pay to cover his end (a higher share of the bills, groceries, etc), but ultimately, it’s always a red flag to me when you get to the ‘OK, how are we going to make this work financially’ stage of a relationship and one side is skimping right from the start.” ~ JNF919
“Tell him to go live in the RV, then.”
“He doesn’t get to live rent-free.”
“Is he stupid or gaslighting you?”
“If you rent a place to live, you are paying the owner for the privilege of living in his house/apartment.”
“The owner is building equity.”
“Tell me the difference between that scenario and yours.”
“The only thing I would concede would be to let him move his RV to your house so he no longer has to pay for the lot rental.”
“Let him pay you the $400 instead. NTA.” ~ Vibe_me_pos
“NTA. If he is at your place all the time, he should pay something.”
“Keep in mind, though, he could just go back to his place.” ~ merishore25
“NTA – But it’s about time he goes back to living in the RV for a bit.” ~ IcePrincess_Not_Sk8r
Reddit is with you on this one, OP.
If he is living there, he should be paying rent.
Also, it may be time to evaluate this relationship.
Three years and no serious commitment?
Three years and no offers to help a little extra?
Maybe he isn’t the one.
Good luck.