Redditor Okay_Gazelle is the owner of a pet boa constrictor and is always mindful of warning houseguests about their reptilian roommate.
They were recently appointed by friends to host a July 4 party at their home since the location was convenient for unspecified reasons.
However, one person in their friend group was opposed to the party location and offered a compromise if the party were to be held at the Redditor's home.
The Redditor thought they responded reasonably to the proposal but the reaction to the response proved otherwise.
So they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for excluding a friend from an event because she's afraid of my pet?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have a pet boa constrictor. I know a lot of people are afraid of snakes, especially large ones, so I always warn friends before they come over."
"Most of my friends don't mind, a couple of them have just asked that I don't let the snake out while they're visiting or will stay in another room if someone wants to meet the snake."
"My friend Cassie is so afraid that she won't come over at all, it freaks her out just knowing that there's a big snake in the apartment. Fair enough, I'd probably react the same way if someone had a pet tarantula."
"The issue arose because our friend group is planning what we're going to do for Independence Day next weekend, and a few people asked if we could have a party at my house (it's the most convenient for various reasons)."
"I said that was fine with me. Cassie then asked if I could have someone else watch my snake for the day."
"I told her that's not really an option, snakes are super particular and it's not like a dog that you can just bring to a friend's house."
"Cassie said that if the snake was going to be in my apartment, then she wasn't going to be able to come to the party. I asked everyone if they were sure the party needed to be at my place, and everyone said yes."
"So I told Cassie that I was sorry and I'd miss having her there but I understood if she didn't want to come. She didn't say anything to me, but she texted a couple of other members of the group complaining that I was choosing the snake over her company."
"These friends have reached out to me asking if I'm sure I can't do something with the snake, and telling me that Cassie's feelings are really hurt. I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bad friend for not trying to accommodate her."
"AITA?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not being the a**hole here.
"NTA."
"I would have said N A H but Cassie complained to your friends instead of asking them to move the party."
"I have a rabbit and the only thing that would get me to move him from his home is his safety."
"Your friends should offer another home to host instead of putting pressure on you to do something that isn't best for your pet. You're responsible for your snake and are doing the right thing." – winsomebunny
"Also the owner of a bun (and a couple of other animals). Animals are harder to move than you think, and it would be pretty disorienting. Especially in the case of a snake, and I'm not expert, but I think that would be pretty hard to move." – TheForkWitchandWorm
"On top of the fact other ppl may have their own plans/parties. There may be fireworks. I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and guess that the fact Cassie won't go to OP's house is why it was so popular. They don't really want her there." – Rottsnottots
"Yes, he is taking care of his dependent, snek, and she, who is not a dependent, needs to put some big girl panties on. I smelling a drama here, the look at little me kind. Acting all high school."
"OP, you've got your priorities sorted. And you're awfully understanding of these weevils. NTA." – islandlalala
"The snake cannot be moved, doing so would only be stressful to the snake. You know big a boas enclosure is?"
"In order to move it the boa would have to spend the whole day in a plastic container where they cannot stretch out or move comfortably at all. They can simply have the party elsewhere. NTA." – dinkydish
"NTA. You have a snake and it need a very particular environment there is no way you can just move it. If everyone is giving you trouble then I would the text a group text with."
"'Due to Cassie and her fears of snakes we can not have it at my place. Please inform me of where else we will meet'" – MacaroonHead5187
"That was my thought. Different snakes need very particular environments. There is no way I could have someone else watch my snakes for the day randomly! And I wouldn't want to. This is their home!"
"Their cages are built into the furniture here that was custom made by my partner to be the proper environment for them (heat, moisture, etc). I can't just be like 'hey hold my snakes for the day in a random cage where they won't be properly cared for and safe.'"
"Edit: definitely NTA" – the_red_beast
"I think people don't always understand how particular snakes are about their environment."
"They need to be at a specific temperature (often specific varying temperatures across the enclosure) with a specific humidity, and a specific uv level, and every species has its own requirements for these factors."
"It's possible to move a snake to a different location. It's just stressful for the snake when it's unnecessary." – LazuliArtz
"This is immediately what I thought about when they are asking OP- do they know how much sh*t you need so a snake is happy and healthy?Lamps, heaters, thermometers, humidity stuff… and a glass case. Who's gonna help op move this stuff? I bet no one."
"OP should just say there is too much sh*t and delicate expensive stuff to move their pet for one event. It's OPs home and their pet stays there. It's not their job to coddle someone else's issues and make an unreasonable request."
"A snake is a pain in tbe a** to move and stressful. A dog literally jumps out the door for you to go on adventures. All pets don't act the same ppl."
"Edit: English is hard. And NTA." – normalperson28474
"NTA. Your snake lives there, your friends do not."
"If you friends want to be at your house, and have a party there, they have to be considerate of the people/animals that live there."
"I'm sorry for your friends phobia, but she either has to see a therapist to help her try and overcome it, or accept that she will miss out on certain things because of it." – Kindly_Reward_8537
"NTA. It is a perfectly reasonable accommodation to have the snake locked up and in a room with the door closed. If Cassie can't deal with that then the solution is therapy, not you shipping your snake out for the day." – poeadam
"NTA - As a snake owner I KNOW those things are a pain to get set up. They're not like a dog that you can just drop off at someones house/doggie day care."
"They require specialized set-ups and honestly, if Cassie can't compromise and just avoid snake room or someone else can't host, sorry they made the bed now they get to lay in it."
"Also SNAKE TAX!" – SakuraKitsune4
"Right?? If someone demanded I move my snake and his 30 gallon tank with his heat lamps and mister, I'd laugh. And OP's snake is probably much bigger than mine, since mine is only 4 and a half ish feet long and not a thick boy."
"So I can only imagine how massive and heavy and difficult to move OP's tank is. If it were me, I'd lock his cage and cover the glass with a towel or something since the room he's in can't be avoided in my apartment, but that's all."
"There are compromises that don't involve the insane equipment hauling involved in exiling a snake from its own home for a party. NTA absolutely." – murphyslawsuit
"NTA. The snake is your pet...and yes, I would chose my pet over just about everyone else...thems the breaks. That said, you were accommodating, you offered to have your Pet in the room away from others."
"If she can't compromise and accept that, that's on her. Not you. And you went out of your way to ask the friend group about having it at another place and they all rejected it. Where is their sympathy for cassie's feelings???"
"I see three options here."
"Ask Cassie again if you putting the snake in a locked room will work for her and explain that there is no way the snake can get out."
"Ask again of the friend group to have the party some where else."
"Cancel and say nope, not going to happen since this is upsetting for everyone."
"Edit: Remember, this is your pet snake's house, not cassies or your friends. You do what you do to take care of your family." – The_Fires_Of_Orc
Overall, Redditors had little sympathy for Cassie's concern, and they thought her suggesting the OP simply have the large pet removed for the day was ludicrous.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.