As nice as it is to have lots of money, being in that situation can be problematic.
Specifically, people who think you should spend it on them.
Expected to foot the bill or spot someone who’s a little short.
With some friends and family members expected to reap benefits they do not deserve.
Redditor carlbrashear was in a very comfortable place financially, thanks to gainful employment.
As his parents became aware of this, they continued to ask the original poster (OP) for financial assistance, if not outright asking him to buy them things.
While the OP was initially fine with doing so, things finally grew to be too much when his mother demanded he make a very expensive purchase for her.
Leading to a heated exchange between mother and son.
Feeling somewhat guilty about his behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not paying for my mother’s $4,000 wardrobe and eventually screaming at her?”
The OP explained why things became a bit vitriolic between him and his mother:
“My wife and I moved to the US (SF) from India back in 2022.”
“I was making about $8k a month after taxes, apart from stocks.”
“While my annual salary sounds massive when converted to Indian Rupees, my family doesn’t seem to realize that I am not spending in Rupees.”
“Between SF rent, general expenses, and a loan I was still paying off in 2022, we were barely saving $1,000 to $2,000 a month.”
“Within three months of moving, my parents asked me to buy my brother a $1,000 laptop, which I did.”
“I also bought my dad a $2,200 laptop.”
“He didn’t necessarily need it, but I remembered how he bought me an expensive laptop when I joined engineering, so I wanted to do something similar for him.”
“I have also spent on other things, sending money home almost every other month: $300 here and $600 there.”
“I even sent my parents on an expensive weekend getaway to a 5-star resort.”
“Mind you, I have only stayed in budget hotels myself even to this date.”
“My mom expressed the desire to have a German wardrobe in the living room, and I said she could go and ask around how much it would cost.”
“I assumed it would be around $1,500.”
“She comes back and says she went to a store and made a deposit for one that would cost almost $4,000.”
“I was taken aback, and I asked her why she had to make a deposit without once consulting me.”
“I told her I could not spare that kind of money because we had been in the US for less than a year by then and did not have enough savings.”
“We did pay for many other things after this instance.”
“For example, my mom needed surgery, and they did not want to go to any of the hospitals where their insurance would pay.”
“So I paid for the whole thing, including the stay and food at a 3-star business hotel for two weeks.”
“I did have it in my mind to one day pay them for the wardrobe.”
“It is just that things happened: my wife had to move to a different city for her MBA, which increased our expenses, and then I lost my job in the middle of 2024.”
“So I have not been able to pay back.”
“Now I should mention that I have not been the best of sons.”
“For the first five years of my job, I hardly sent any money home.”
“I had to pay off a student loan that took anywhere from 30% to 50% of my salary.”
“Plus, I was profligate and undisciplined with money and ended up incurring massive credit card debt.”
“But I cleaned up my act, paid off everything, and even started saving.”
“Before moving to the US, I bought my parents a few expensive appliances and other things.”
“But for the most part, I was not of much help.”
“My parents also paid for my wedding, money that I am yet to pay back.”
“Anyway, the other day my mother brought up the issue of the wardrobe and how I only make promises but never fulfill them.”
“I lost it.”
“I screamed at her and told her how she is constantly counting what we have spent on ourselves and not on her.”
“It was not pretty.”
“Am I the a**hole for not paying for that German wardrobe back then?” Am I the a**hole for screaming at my mother?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for snapping at his mother, and refusing to pay for her expensive German wardrobe.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP’s parents were taking advantage of him, and he needed to draw a line, not to mention prioritize his wife and their future, even if not everyone felt he needed to yell at his mother:
“NTA.”
“That being said.”
“You are paying for luxuries for relatives instead of investing in your future.”
“You need to put money aside for your retirement, a savings account at least.”
“You are destroying your future for other people’s frivolity.”
“You need therapy to figure out why you feel obligated to fund others’ vacations while you are barely paying your bills here.”
“Start with working out why you paid for surgery and a 2-week stay in a luxury resort because they didn’t want to go to the free hospital.”
“You are letting them walk all over you.”
“Grow a spine and learn how not to be a people-pleasing doormat.”- Classic_Ad3987
“As a desi person— NTA.”
“They’re taking advantage of you and are guilt-tripping you due to our culture.”
“Basic expenses I understand, but anything past that is taking advantage and not understanding your situation.”
“People back home always think those who settle and live in America are rich when we live worse off than them.”- m1drizzystepper
“NTA for the wardrobe.”
“You aren’t required to send money home to your parents.”
“It doesn’t make you a bad son because you didn’t.”
“Your parents are taking advantage of you, and at some point, you need to put your foot down and stop paying for so much for them.”
“I know it’s a cultural thing, but you don’t owe them for what they were required to provide you in your childhood.”
“YTA to your wife, does she realize how much you are sending to your parents?”
“Also, yelling at your mother, isn’t necessary; next time, just hang up.”- Lunar-Eclipse0204
“NTA.”
“Your mom is India.”
“Stop sharing information with her about your salary and spending.”- Fun-Yellow-6576
“NTA.”
“I am glad I am not of a culture that believes children have to stay poor so that parents read the rewards of their work.”
“Children owe parents NOTHING.”
“They are not investment portfolios.”
“My kids both have outearned me.”
“I am now retired.”
“Guess what I ask of them?”
“NOTHING.”
“Stop sending money.”- LingonberryPrior6896
“NTA.”
“A problem of being a successful child.”
“You want to help your family, because they helped you, but there’s nothing wrong with YOU also enjoying the fruits of your own labor, and setting boundaries to that effect.”- well-thereitis
“NTA.”
“I’d text your mother you’ve paid for her surgery, vacation, and other monies, but you can’t afford a $4k wardrobe and do not understand why she expected you to buy such an expensive piece of furniture and put a deposit without asking.”
“If you’re feeling generous, tell her you can cover a set amount, but no more, only because you offered.”
“Explain if you ever are to afford a house or kids, you can’t keep sending them money for luxury items.”
“It’s tempting to feel like the wildly successful son who’s the hero back home or to feel guilty.”
“Instead, look at the numbers and consider telling them you have to save for your future.”
“Or they won’t have a son with a house, nor will they have grandkids from you.”
“It’d be even worse to not be stable in this economy because you don’t have the savings if there’s a job loss or recession here.”- julesk
“NTA.”
“Your parents are taking advantage of you.”
“No good-natured parents would do this, not even the ones dependent on their kids.”
“Healthcare costs are okay, but expensive wardrobes and laptops?!”
“You need to draw a line, as you’d need this money for your own family.”
“Also, you need to add the cultural context to this post, a lot of people from western countries responding to this post won’t get it.”- Guilty_Pension_8367
As children grow up and become adults, it’s not uncommon for them to help out their parents financially or even treat them to nice things.
What is uncommon, however, is for parents to expect to be treated to a life of luxury by their children.
The OP’s mother should carefully consider what is more important in the long run: having that German wardrobe or a healthy relationship with her son.
Based on what the OP said, it sadly isn’t clear which direction she will go.