Every now and then a good samaritan comes along and offers a kind gesture to a complete stranger.
A Redditor was a recent recipient of this but there was one thing about the act of goodwill that left them feeling uncomfortable.
When the interaction ended on a sour note, they visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Ganbario asked:
“AITA for not ‘passing it on’ at the food cart?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I was standing in a long line at a food cart, waiting to get a popcorn refill and the gentleman ahead of me gave his order, then said, ‘And whatever he wants!’ directing his generous smile my way.”
“I immediately protested, ‘Sir, you don’t need to pay for mine.’ But he said he wanted to, and I didn’t want it to be a thing, so I thanked him. Then he looked me in the eye and (expectantly) said ‘Pass it on.’”
“He smiled again and looked at the long line behind me before turning to get his order. I got my refill of popcorn and said thank you again and he looked so disappointed that I left instead of saying ‘I’ll pay for the guy behind me.’”
“And he stopped me and seriously said ‘Make sure you pass it on someday.’ I repeated the words of someone I once tried to pay back: ‘Pay it forward- that’s what it’s all about.’ I thanked him again and escaped.”
The OP continued:
“But I came for the cheapest thing on the menu – popcorn is like two dollars. And there was a large family behind me. And most people were coming in big groups for alcohol. So I might have gotten free popcorn, and I appreciate the gesture, but I might then have had to shell out fifty bucks for beer for a bunch of randos.”
“And I’ve never liked the ‘pass it on’ thing. It’s generous of the first person, then the last person gets a freebie, but as is often said here, all the middle people get their prices randomized, and it’s a headache for the workers.”
“So I will pay it forward some time, and I definitely have in the past, but I didn’t play along in the moment, and I could tell the man felt his grand gesture was wasted.”
“So, AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. You tried to turn down his offer. If he wanted to do a good deed, he should have chosen a way that will be more impactful than buying popcorn for a random stranger.” – UteLawyer
“A random stranger already in line so one who presumably has the money to pay for his own order. So much more impact to buy something for a homeless person, or maybe pay for someone’s groceries if they are short.”
“I don’t get this phenomenon of paying for people’s food/coffee at places like a movie theater or cafe, places where people only go if they can afford it, but maybe that’s just me. 🤷🏼♀️” – Rare_Sugar_7927
“It’s absolutely crazy this sudden phenomenon of people deciding they’re good people for doing stuff like this. It’s not, because exactly as you say, usually a person is in line at a theatre or coffee shop for something they’ve got the money for, and it then makes them feel obligated to pay for something that could cost much more than what they’d budgeted for.”
“The best thing I ever saw was a cafe where I live, you could buy a drink and a sandwich extra and the staff would put it on the board. They had a cork board with slips of paper with nice messages on, or you could just ask for something at the counter if you’re in need of a good meal, and they’d give it to you no questions asked.”
“So it’s like paying it forward but anonymously. TBH I think staff would give out food regardless to people who need it, but it’s just a nice thing to have people in your community support this buy paying a little extra.”
“But no one is obligated to do it; no one knows you’re doing it unless you tell someone; it’s just a nice thing to do to help out a stranger in need. I have done it a couple of times and you literally just say what you’re having and then say another for the board.” – solid_vomit
“Yeah, I always found the pay it forwards Starbucks line thing to be performative generosity. Look, I, a suburban white, generously gave a coffee to another suburban white! Like who cares.”
“It is a random nice thing, so I get it, but it seems like it creates this weird pressure to do the same, so if I go for one coffee and offer for the people behind me and their four lattes, suddenly your kind gesture becomes something stressful for me. F’k that.”
“NTA.” – almaperdida99
“NTA.”
“I worked in retail, and someone tried doing this. I had to explain to them no, it’s a nightmare to execute and it puts people on the spot to spend more than they wanted at times.”
“I was called every name in the book. Un-American, ruined the holidays, a**hole. What have you.” – CyberTractor
“Angry reactions like that are evidence that they were never doing it to be kind; rather, they only wanted to be seen as a ‘good person’. It’s like the people who do good deeds, but only when they are recording it so they can show people how generous they are.” – Hello_JustSayin
“We had someone do this for us, but we had no idea until we had to pay. It was in a drive-through line for our local coffee place, so no one has contact with anyone (not unless you want to get out of your car and approach the other). We drove up to the window, ordered our coffees, and attempted to pay and were told that the person in front had already paid for us (and they were long gone by now).”
“They didn’t request anything from us nor look back expectantly or anything – they just went about their day. I think that’s the only acceptable way to do this, although it’s true that it still made my husband and I feel a bit bad (and grateful, don’t get me wrong).”
“I feel like I’ve ‘passed it on’ in different ways of kindness, and not necessarily in payment.” – AllowMe-Please
“Pay it forward is one of those ideas that sounds good in theory, but in practice, it’s a f’king mess.”
“You buy me a coffee, so now I’m morally obligated to pay for dinner for a family of 5? I just wanted a friggen coffee.”
“And really, the moment it becomes a social obligation, it no longer becomes a generous gesture.”
“NTA.” – shontsu
“NTA – Pay it forward/Pass it On, whatever you want to call it is a nice gesture when doing it in the moment, but this should never be seen as an obligation. People who do it and then expect the next person to do it too are not doing it because they are being charitable, it’s because they want the attention of starting it.” – reriiga
“So, here’s my issue. Instead of paying for the $20 coffee order behind you (in the case of Starbucks) give the poor baristas a super generous tip! I’ve never seen this happen at a food cart, that’s a little too performative for me. That guy wanted some sort of pat on the back. NTA!”
“I will say, that when I lived in the SF Bay Area, there was a tradition of paying for the toll for the person behind you (this was before Fas-Trak.) That seemed really generous because you would never see that person again, and the toll collector wasn’t a tipped employee. (I can’t imagine that still happens, tolls now are really expensive!)” – IHaveBoxerDogs
“Pass it on is manipulative. It’s virtue signaling.”
“Next time, don’t say, ‘You don’t have to pay for mine.’ Say ‘I prefer to pay for my own.’ Then insist. Without interacting further. If they ask why, just say, ‘I prefer to pay for my own.’ Or ‘I prefer it.’ Be boring. The hubbub will die down.”
“NTA.” – Ok_Membership_8189
“NTA. What is intended to be a nice gesture, him paying for your popcorn is completely ruined by the expectation of you now paying for someone else. These pay it forward things are not really doing something nice, they create hassle and obligation.”
“I recently had an experience at Starbucks where there are 2 different ways to enter the drive thru lane, I was in a hurry and realized too late that I cut in front of a person who was trying to pull in ahead of me. When I paid for my order, I told the barista I wanted to pay for the car behind me, too. But I said, ‘To be clear, this isn’t some pay-it-forward nonsense. Just tell them I’m sorry for being a jerk and cutting in front of them, my bad.'” – rootigan_the_red
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was warranted in their stance for refusing to “pass it on” as it was an order.
They also thought the tactic under the guise of good intentions was overrated and that extending a genuine act of kindness shouldn’t subject the recipient to being pressured into returning the favor for the sake of momentum.