It’s always disappointing to find out you weren’t invited to a wedding of someone you know.
Particularly when several other members of your inner circle were invited.
True, sometimes the exclusion is not out of malice, but purely out of limited space.
In which case some people might find another way to celebrate with people who won’t be in attendance on the actual day.
However, when there is an expectation for these non-invited guests to spend sizable amounts of money, things shift from being disappointing, to rather annoying.
Redditor letsgababoutit didn’t think much of not getting an invite to the wedding of one of their colleagues.
Particularly as most of the original poster (OP)’s co-workers also didn’t make the guest list.
Even so, the OP’s colleagues still wanted to celebrate their soon-to-be married co-worker and asked the OP if they would join them.
A request the OP denied, owing to the price tag that accompanied doing so.
Having some doubts about their decision, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA refusing to contribute $100 to coworkers wedding?”
The OP explained why they didn’t feel inclined to chip in to celebrate one of their colleagues:
“One of my coworkers is getting married soon, I am not invited, but other coworkers have decided they want everyone to contribute $100 to give as a gift.”
“I spoke to one of the coworkers and they offered to spot me and I would pay them back.”
“On top of this they want to have an in office celebration of flowers and a breakfast.”
“When I mentioned I was uncomfortable with that, they said they would pay for me for the breakfast, but would not budge on the money gift.”
“When I suggested lowering the amount they just laughed at me.”
“I feel at a loss like I cannot get out of giving the $100.”
“I just think it’s odd to expect money as a gift when we are not even invited to the wedding.”
“Obviously I can just hold out and not give the money, but I end up looking like a jerk.”
“So am I the a**hole to hold out and refuse $100?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to chip in $100 for their colleague’s wedding present:
Everyone agreed that even if the OP had been invited to the wedding, they still were under no obligation to get their colleague a present, and $100 was an exorbitant amount to “chip in” with:
“NTA.”
“Decline both.”
“Don’t eat any breakfast and don’t ‘pay back’ $100.”
“Just tell them NO.”
“You absolutely can refuse.”
“You go to work to make money (to live), not to throw around to other coworkers.”
“Especially since you weren’t invited to the wedding.”
“If the coworker persists, go to HR and tell them the situation and you’re being harassed into obliging.”- GardenSafe8519
“NTA.”
“You have 0 obligation to give anything if you don’t want to and $100 is an outrageous ask for a gift from someone who isn’t even invited to the wedding.”
“The level of entitlement people have around weddings is crazy and sick.”
“It’s either strong arming your coworkers into giving you money and gifts or charging guests a fee to attend.”- Past_Wrangler8120
“Is the $100 for a group wedding gift or a gift to actually help fund the wedding?”
“In my office, we’ve contributed to a gift card (or something similar) for weddings and babies.”
“I have never been invited to a coworkers wedding, but contributed to a gift because I consider them a (work) friend and wanted to celebrate them.”
“The kicker is that contributing to an office gift should ALWAYS be optional.”
“It sounds like you’ve been forced into it.”
“NTA.”- LadyF16
“NTA.”
“But it’s a classic predicament.”
“If you aren’t invited to a wedding, there is zero expectation you’d be giving a gift.”
“If the company wants to give an employee gift, that should come out of company petty cash or be coming from corporate.”
“What you’ve had happen is some do-gooder coworker decided to do something ‘nice’ and now it’s everyone’s problem.”
“Sounds like a couple people rolled over and said yes before you.”
“Now you have to be the naysayer, which isn’t fair.”
“At the end of the day though, being an AH is based on public perception.”
“If everyone else in the office has decided this is a great idea and you’re the only one pushing back, then you in turn become an AH in their minds.”
“They’ll think you are, but you’re not.”
“The real AH is the person pressing coworkers to give up money at work for someone who isn’t even a real friend.”- snizzrizz
“NTA.”
“As gifts are given, not required.”
“Take the day off when they schedule the office celebration.”
“I would personally spend the $5 for an inexpensive card of congratulations.”
“But I’d you aren’t close enough to make the wedding invite list, you have 0 obligation to gift the couple anything.”
“If you have an HR, I would report this as an issue, because your coworkers may use this as an example of you not being a ‘team player’.”
“Which is a load of bleep.”
“That way you are ahead of any shenanigans they may try to pull.”- Emotional-Syrup-5591
“NTA.”
“Don’t give into this.”
“That’s stupid.”
“If they want to do that then that is their business.”
“You don’t have to be part of it.”
“You’re at work to make money not fund weddings.”- ThatsMyCape
“NTA.”
“Don’t allow yourself to be bullied — and make no mistake about it, that’s what is happening here.”
“Take this to HR right the hell now.”
“Tell them your coworkers are creating a hostile environment, and this bullying needs to stop now.”
“Also, polish up your resume and start looking for another job.”
“Regardless of whether there’s any retaliation — and there probably will be; visit HR again if it happens — this does not sound to me like a place I would want to work, and I’d be looking to get out at the first opportunity.”- PingPongProfessor
“NTA.”
“Just make it very clear to the person offering to spot you that you don’t want them to and you will not be paying this.”
“Sometimes you gotta be the jerk.”- pottersquash
“They ‘decided’ how much everyone would contribute?”
“Damn, that’s pushy.”
“As an EA I was tasked for over 10 years as Collector of All Donatios ((yes, the Cad role) and we NEVER specified an amount- you give what you feel, IF you feel.”
“Occasionally I would be asked how much other people were guving and I ALWAYS replied ‘No one knows what your circumstances are, so there’s no competition here. No one will know what anyone else did or did not give’.”
“Hard and fast rule.”
“My reply to this ‘request’ would be ‘I give on my own as the spirit moves me.”
“No one gets to donate MY money FOR me.”
“NTA.”- Ok_Airline_9031
“NTA.”
“You absolutely can get out of not paying $100, wtf?”
“I wouldn’t give that much, maybe a small gift if you like the co worker.”
“I could give 2 f*cks if my coworkers think I’m a jerk, they’re still not getting my money.”- StayOne6979
“NTA.”
“And it’s wild that they’d just assume everyone would be willing to contribute.”- WelfordNelferd
“NTA.”
“$100 is ridiculous to give to a coworker.”- nat1wisroll
“NTA.”
“Other people don’t get to tell you how to spend your money.”
“My office regularly gives wedding gifts even though we’re not invited.”
“BUT, it’s entirely voluntary, and you give as much or as little as you want.”- Careless-Ability-748
“NTA.”
“I’d send an email to everyone in my department and say that while I am happy for X and their impending wedding, I am unable to contribute to a gift.”
“Leave it at that.”
“There are likely others being bullied into this as well and you’ll give them an out as well.”
“And copy HR.”
“This is not ok.”- Big-Imagination4377
“NTA.”
“No invite means no gift.”
“Sorry not sorry.”- Pristine_Ad5229
“NTA.”
“You are not required to give a gift at all.”
“It is extremely presumptuous to demand a donation towards a group gift when you don’t get the consent of the person whose money will be used.”
“I would chip in $20 towards a coworker’s gift, but $100 is a solid NO from me.”
“You’re not invited to the wedding.”
“You aren’t socially obligated to give a gift.”
“Period.”- SpicyPorkWontonnnn
It is very nice of the OP’s co-workers to want to celebrate their colleague, even though they won’t be there on her special day.
However, considering wedding gifts are encouraged but not mandatory, the OP should be under no obligation to pay any amount of money, let alone $100, for a wedding they aren’t attending.
Especially considering this would be IN ADDITION to a celebratory breakfast.
How much does one person need?